5 Year-Old autistic stepdaughter
I am 21 years old, pregnant with my first child, and recently got married to my husband. We usually have his step-daughter only on weekends, but for the past month, we have had her everyday. I have tried very hard to work with my step-daughter and teach her to do everyday activities on her own. Unfortunately, getting her to do something as simple as putting on her socks used to cause her to have a screaming, crying fit. After a few months of work she will now dress herself and brush her teeth without any complaints. There are several other issues that she has, such as never wanting to eat food unless it is candy or fast food. Also, she has been "babied" by everyone in his family, including him, since she was born. I have found that simply being stern with her makes her actually try to complete tasks.
Lately, my husband has been telling me that I am too hard on her and that I should stop being so mean. He works nights, so I have been the primary caregiver of this child for a month and he sees her for hours a day. He admitted that this past month has been the most time he has spent with her since she was 3 years old. He never sees her throw fits, or witness how, if made to do so, she can excell in reading and drawing moreso than other kids her age.
I need advice on how to help my step-daughter without causing problems between my husband and I.
My SS8 has been diagnosed
My SS8 has been diagnosed with PDD. When I met him 2 years ago, he did the "austistic scream", needed help with EVERTHING & had difficulty with his speach. My FH thought "that's just the way he is"...after MANY arguements about me being "too hard", I asked him if he felt that SS8 was worse off from me working with him, he was unable to honestly say yes...when asked if I would be more lenient, I always asked "what would you like for me to be ok with? The hyper violent reactions? The screaming? The whining? Want me to dress him?"...that ususally shut FH up pretty quickly. He now sees that what I am doing with SS8 has helped him grow as a person. He is independant, dresses himself, is able to focus on work given, doesn't scream anymore, is able to control both physical & emotional outbursts & people can actually understand the kid when he speaks...took awhile to get here & there is a lot of "follow up" work as far as focus & speach goes, but he's a different kid now.
It is honestly an ongoing issue because FH was so used to seeing his son behave that way...try researching the type of autism your SD has been dx'd with so that you can show him in writing what type of work needs to be done with a child with her type of needs...this helped my FH when he was having issues about it...also, Occupational Therapy worked wonders with SS8...they say the sooner you start the better
Sorry so long...just a topic that I have worked alot on...best of luck!
Thank both of you for the
Thank both of you for the advice. Some days I just want to tell my husband that I give up, she's all yours....but then I think, I can't do that to the poor child. Her mother lets her do whatever she wants just as long as she's not being a pest, and her grandparents treat her like she's still a baby. My husband thinks that if she does one simple thing that it should be enough for the day and everything else is okay for her to give up on.
She started talking at 4 years old and potty trained this year, at 5. I honestly believe that the delays had a lot to do with the lack of parental involvement on both of their parts. They just didn't want to put the effort into enforcing simple things because it caused her to get upset and scream. I am the first person to come in and say, "Okay, you're going to do this and you're going to do it right." Honestly, the child is VERY smart. My husband had no clue she could read books by herself until a couple of weeks ago when I made her sit down and read one to me before she went to bed. It's amazing what a child can do when he/she is pushed to do so.
I told my FH on many
I told my FH on many occassions that if he didn't like the way I deal with SS8, he's more than welcome to it...again...this shut him up.
All of the extra work really does show in the behavior of the child...that makes it worth it to me. I imagine yours is a more difficult situation due to you not having your SD full-time. FH has FT custody of SS8 & SD7 with hardly any contact from their BM...took WEEKS to get him back to where he was after a week long visit to see BM (first visit in 3 years). My fingers are crossed for you!
My FH agreed that the thing that helped him the most was me printing off a list of things kids with this type of DX need help with...sorry, had to ask him to give the best adivise possible
I know this is an older post
I know this is an older post but I wanted to chime in....
I have a four year old BD that has been diagnosed with Autism. On the autism spectrum she is considered to be high functioning. Meaning with lots of love, help, encouragement, and discipline in time she will be fine.
Now I have a SO who has a daughter who is now repeating Kindergarten (this is her second year.) This kis is a big mess and unfortunatley neither the BM nor my SO will deal with it. She gets Occupational Therapy and Speech Therapy and I truly believe that they think they will just rely on the school system to work with her. Unfortunately she needs to be evaluated because I think she maybe somewhere on the Autism spectrum and I seriously think she has ADHD. I work with her extra because her parents are oblivious. The BM says "I don't see it" and my SO will say "she is just that way and there is nothing we can do." Unfortunately I don't have the authority to talk to her teachers (and she is doing really bad in Kindergarten again) nor do I have the authority to let her get seen for a "real" diagnosis.
In my opinion is sounds like you are more frustrated with your DH then your SD. It seems like you have alot on your plate and it's only you that is dealing with it when your DH needs to step up. Is she receiving any types of therapy such as occupational or speech? That will help alot (it did for me.) It's unfortunate that the bio parents are in denial and they just play the blame game. You should hear the stories the BM tells everyone why her daughter is so behind. The lastes it that she had Pitocin given to her when she was in labor and there was a "recall" on it. There was NO recall on Pitocin. Ugh....drives me nuts.
Hang in there....I would go as far as to videotape your SD when she is having these meltdowns and show them to your DH. He needs a good dose of reality. Best of luck!