young kids lying and manipulating both parents
DH is currently having to go thru the courts to be able to have access to his kids, after his ex found out he had a new partner she denyed access’s and started using the kids as emotional blackmail. Thier BM frequently tells them things to try alienate them from DH and myself. Such as he’s steeling all of her money and making it very clear she doesn’t like me calling me rude names and making fun of me in front of them. Also I had a baby with DH which she tells them she hates. They have always seemed kind to him tho. We were told SD came into daycare crying because “mummy yelled at her when she said how cute her new little brother is”. He now has more visitation with them and we are getting more and more reports from them telling us all sorts of horrible things she does. My step kids are far from perfect, a lot of which is not their fault she hasn’t done much with them so there learning and behaviour skills are pretty bad. Recently I’ve noticed a bit of a trend with them always saying almost overly nice things to us. Especially me telling me they love me after knowing me a few weeks. (Which I thought was sweet at the time but it just didn’t seem genuine) BM has made it impossible to try co parent even tho we still try. So from things she’s been telling us (thru angry abusive texts) is the opposite to what the kids will tell us... which I thought was just her being crazy but the kids are actually telling one adult one thing to make them happy and the other another thing. Such as ...”Crying* i love you daddy I don’t want to go home to mums” And then we are told they say crying I don’t want to go to dads house. It seems both parents are too happy by knowing they’re loved over the other that they are blinded to the fact they are both manipulating them.
My problem is that it seems to be escalating they told thier mother I force fed SD3 food until she threw up! I made them what they asked for and they didn’t like it because it was a different brand so DH asked them to at least try one spoonful to which SD did but then spat it out on the floor. Appart from making them the food they asked for I didn’t insist they ate it or anything. I’m getting worried that they will start making up something worse. For this reason I usually leave the discipline (time out) to DH. They tell me thier mum hits them and yells at them. Are they lying? Are they reaching out for help? I can’t trust anything they say anymore.
How do I fix the lying? How do I protect myself? My biggest fear is my BS will copy thier bad behaviour.
I totally understand your
I totally understand your concerns. In my situation, SD started lying on me and my SO. She would say things such as I hurt her, my SO hurt her or pushed her down, the 3 year old punched her in the face. Flat out lies. Social services were involved once and even the social worker caught her up in lies; as well as the school principal. She would also tell stories about her BM and Stepfather, such as he locked her in her room and wouldn’t let her out... was that a lie? idk. But I’m guessing probably.
How to fix the lying? Honestly, idk. Maybe offer some sort of consequence when there is known lying. And, of course, have a serious, sit down conversation about lying and the problems it can cause.
To protect yourself, if it continues, I would take a huge step back. That’s what I did. I wasn’t going to have her continuing to tell lies on me and then have some sort of court case/social services brought against me. I also suggested to SO about putting cameras in the home, so there was proof.
I also feared/fear my LO’s copying the bad bahavior. I just made sure to give age appropriate discipline/consequences when they did/do something wrong. What makes it hard though, is when our LO’s would get consequences for a behavior, but SO would not give SD consequences. Ultimately, the kids and I moved out and it has been a much happier, less stressful life!
We definitely need to have a
We definitely need to have a sit down conversation about lying. However getting my SO to take the lead on these issues is hard, he’s a lot more leaniant then I am. I think because he’s scared his kids won’t like him and he’ll be “the bad guy” sometimes it feels like I have 2 skids, our BS and a man child.
OP, define ‘going through the
OP, define ‘going through the courts to have access to kids.’
Were they married? If so, are they now divorced, or going through a divorce? Is dad trying to establish court-ordered visitation?
I don’t have any idea or advice in regards to the lying, but it most definitely sounds like a side effect of BM’s manipulative and emotional abuse.
Are the children in therapy? Because it sounds like they need it. Perhaps dad can petition the courts to order therapy for them.
In regards to guarding yourself, I’d keep information and talking about general life happenings to an extreme minimum within earshot of his children, in order to avoid anything getting back to the BM.
Sorry, I probably should have
Sorry, I probably should have used SO not DH. They are married still (BM has refused to sign anything until she “gets what she wants” in the property settlements) so until the kids final orders are agreed on and settlement is done. She won’t sign a divorce. At the moment my SO has interim orders to say he can at least see them a few days a week until the final orders are sorted.
I have mentioned to my partner that they should see a Psychologist. Maybe talking to someone they don’t know will help them tell the truth and get stuff off their chests without feeling obligated to make someone happy.
This is normal. The kids are
This is normal. The kids are manipulating both households to get the best out of both. And it probably doesn’t stop there, they will do it to friends, family and teachers now that they’ve had practice with y’all. My SS is doing this and we’ve corrected him and called him out time and time again but kids are self centered and unable to understand their words mean something more than just how they’re feeling in that moment. My SS has always been happy here but goes to BMs and tells her how much of a prison it is to live here. Why? Because she goes out of her way to make her house the Go-Go-Go, More-More-More house. If he’s not going out to play laser tag, trampoline park or to the movies then she better of bought him a new game or have his best friend over for endless hours binging on Xbox. Even after all this, he comes home and says how boring it is over there and he wishes he would have just stayed home. He’s only telling us what he THINKS he wants to hear because that what he does with BM and it gets him things. We call him out and tell him we know he had fun and to stop being ungrateful or say “wow I’m so glad we don’t waste all that money on fun stuff for you since you think it’s boring anyway” and then he changes his tune. Liars will continue to lie until they realize you aren’t falling for it.
Also wanted to add there’s
Also wanted to add there’s really nothing you can do about BM and her allowing it. She will always believe the worst about y’all because it makes her feel like she’s better or right.
I’ve called SS out on it a
I’ve called SS out on it a few times but he just sticks with it insisting he’s not lying. We have the opposite problem at thier mums house they don’t do much with them and things they say seem to get ignored. So I feel like most of the stories SS tells me like he has no friends and no one likes him are for attention because I thought they were true and tried to talk to him about it... I now know it’s not true. So I just try ignore it now.