My husband and I have been dealing with his bitter ex wife for 4 years now. My husband and his ex have a now 10 year old together. We have been married for a year and have a 10 month old together.
His ex wife was FURIOUS when we started dating - so much so that she told their daughter that she wasnt allowed to talk to me, hug me or be around me. My husband did allow that to carry through in his home, which infuriated her more. She started telling her daughter, at the time 7, what a bad person I am and what a bad person DH is. She would come over, being all of 7, and ask "Why did you abandon me and Mommy?" (Let me make it clear that he didnt abandon anyone - she locked him out the house and wouldnt let him back in to get his items and then served him with divorce papers a week later).
Then when our daughter was born, my step daughter would come over and tell us that isnt allowed to love her new sister or talk to her. We would tell her that she can love who ever she wants, etc.
Long story short, for the past 4 years, after every weekend or right before every weekend that we have his daughter, it is always something. In spite of the court order, she keeps their daughter away from him when she is mad at him (and she gets mad at him for stupid things - like him getting engaged, getting married, bringing their daughter to try on flower girl dresses, etc - basically life events for him that she is jealous of).
My DH and I want a happy life together with our daughters (his and ours). He has tried to be civil with her, he has tried to ignore her, he has offered to attend coparenting classes. Needless to say he has tried to be an adult with her. She is clearly incapable of being mature about co parenting and would rather cause pain to their daughter and cause pain to my DH for her own selfish needs. He has tried taking her to court many times and she lies straight to the judges and lawyers face. Upon meeting a woman who works in the office at their daughters school (she is a friend of my mothers), she said in a joking manner to my DH "Oh, you are the dead beat Dad that we hear so much about?"
My question is this: my DH has been seeing his daughter less and less for the past few months. Not because he doesnt want to see her and not because I dont want her there. Our daughter LOVES to see her big sister. It is because everytime their daughter goes back home, her mother drills her and makes her cry about something. Their daughter then calls her grandmother (my DH's mother) about all the 'bad things' that happened at our home (nothing bad happened at our home and all the things she tells her grandmother arent true - her mother is clearly feeding this information into her daughters head, making her upset about it and making her call her grandmother to get my DH into 'trouble' with his mother). It's all an immature game to get back at my DH. He is tired of her hurting their daughter EVERY time she goes back home. So in theory, if he sees her less, then it is less the amounts of times she can hurt their daughter in spite of him. He would rather be the bad guy who doesnt see his daughter as much if that means that her mother wont pound garbage into her head and make her upset every other weekend. He has spoken to his ex about how she is making up lies and making their daughter repeat those lies to his mother - she denies doing anything wrong. He even got a call from his daughter's school counselor asking about him leaving her at a store by herself (which he never did) but apparently his daughter went into the office crying stating that she was sad becuase her father left her alone in a store... Do you see how messed up this all is???
Is this all the right thing to do - not see his daughter as much - for her own sake???