He will never take off those glasses- disengagement is not an end point but a process we have to keep re-evaluating as we go along. These men can't deal with disengagement- he thinks her apology will resolve things but of course it won't. He is trying not to confront his own behaviour and thinks you are as foolish as he is.
I would accept the apology because you know it is meaningless but I would certainly, but politely, refuse the lunch invitation.

He isn't wearing rosy glasses. Nope. He sees and knows exactly what's what. He just doesn't care.

" I’ve told him a million times I will not be around her until I receive an apology and we hash shit out."

Well, don't hold your breath. And what good would it do? A forced non-sincere apology is worthless. She isn't sorry. She believes she has been correct and in the right all along, clear back to her mid teens years. She doesn't give a rats *ss about your fee-fees nor whether you attend get together are not. The both of you being present is her Dad's idea, not hers. She would be perfectly delighted if she attended and you stayed home.

And the "hash sh*t out". You're fooling yourself. Exactly what do you think is going to happen? That she will just sit there groveling for your forgiveness and let you rip her apart as to all the 'wrongs' you feel she has committed? The Sd isn't sixteen-seventeen anymore.

Why not just host the next event you'd like to have and you get to then control the guest list? Have your Dh's extended family (aunts and whatever) to your home or your private party booking out. What you can not do is control someone else's guest list. If one of DH's relatives host an event (at their home or out) you either go or you don't go. There is, of course, the relative has invited someone (aka SD) you wish to not be around. Your DH has no business inviting his daughter himself to join someone else's get together. Unfortunately a bar/lounge is a public place and without a private booked room in such an establishment anyone can walk through the entrance door.

Yes, your DH is playing games. But you can't blame the SD for the silly game your DH is playing with you. He did this, not the SD. He's fully aware of what he did and why you are angry. Who needs to apologize is him to you and you two need to 'hash the sh*t' out between the two of you. You need to make it very clear to him that if he ever pulls such a trick on you again you are done. He's risking you never going anywhere with him again because you can't trust him. He either adheres to your boundary of you not being around his daughter or _________ (you must decide what the fill in the blank is).

I think it goes without saying that a parent will always try or will always think it is much simpler than it is to get SKs and SM to make amends. There is not a lot of understanding of what SM’s role is or even should be. The tendency is to think that SM should be like a second mom, yet at the same time, people act like SM is overreaching or not minding her place whenever she does act like a second mom. Or, I often hear nowadays, a SM should act like an auntie. But, SM is not an auntie, and to try to force SM into some other bio-family pocket is unfair and minimizing of her real role of dad’s wife. It is a very odd situation to be in, and one that a SM can rarely win or even score points at.

People often forget two things: 1) SM is first and foremost, dad’s wife; and, 2) It is rare for someone else other than a bio-parent, including SMs, to have unconditional love for someone else’s child. No judgement is being placed here. It is just the way it is. And, yes, by the same token, it would be rare for a SK to have unconditional love for a step-parent. Unfortunately, even the people we are married to often forget this. So, if there is a problem or issue between dad’s kid and his wife, for example, dad will think a simple apology or tousling of the hair or group hug will resolve the issue. They don’t understand the complexity of the issue.

The real issue is that no one really wants to accept SM as dad’s wife or wants to accept that SM has any sort of authority whatsoever with dad (or ex- or the initial family). This is the way society has set it up for SMs. Divorce, OK. You can even get remarried, but SM is not supposed to act like dad’s wife. NO. SM is supposed to act like an auntie or servant or concubine. She is supposed to stay in the background and mind her place whenever someone from the initial family is around. God forbid the SKs, even adult SKs, see you hug or kiss or act like a couple of any sorts. This feeling is so strong in our society, that is nothing for an event to be planned, years after the divorce, that places DH and his ex- together as a couple vs. DH and his wife (SM). DH’s permission isn’t even needed, and SM is just expected to suck this up and take it every time. Whenever someone in the initial family wants to displace SM, displace her role as her husband’s wife, they can and are allowed to do so at any whim. SM is seen as the one to blame if she does not go along with someone basically pissing all over her and her DH’s marriage.

If often takes SMs years to catch on to these totally asinine Catch-22s. You are your husband’s wife or SO and you have every right to act like such. So, if your DH doesn’t insist from the beginning that you be treated as his wife, then it is going to be 20x times difficult to do so years down the road. I’m sure you, like me and most SMs, just assumed you’d be open and nice to the SKs and you’d all get along. In reality, BM and DH have way more influence over how SM and SKs get along and whether or not SM’s role as dad’s wife is accepted. Since you have, like so many of us, sucked it up and took it for years, there is a whole boatload of crap and anger and denial and betrayal from many sides that you are having to deal with now. It is not a simple fix and it is not something that a mere apology will resolve. If someone has been allowed or PASd to look at SM as a servant or concubine, one whom they can go after without very little if any recourse, then this imagine is either going to be there for life, or maybe, just maybe once the SK grows up, something may click in. But, I wouldn’t hold my breath.

This is where disengagement comes into play. Disengagement is not an either/or thing, or set in stone. It is just your way of saying that, “I am married to or with my DH, I am his wife or SO, and if that role is not accepted, then I don’t want any part of a relationship with that person, SK, or whomever it may happen to be. On the other hand, I recognize that your children are your children, and you have every right to have a relationship with them, even as adults. So, going forward, I will go with you to any events I want to or feel comfortable going to. If I don’t want to go, I won’t go. You (DH) can go alone if you want to, and I respect you wanting to attend these events alone, if you so choose.” On the other hand, I should say that is MY form of disengagement. A SM has to do what works for her, because usually no matter what a SM does, someone is going to find fault with it. You do what works for you and stick with it. There is a saying I heard the other day that went something like, “Never let anyone take up space in your head that isn’t at least paying rent.”

Sounds like HE is the one inviting SD to the events organized by others. So it's all on him for her being there.

I also have told my DH that of course he can see his son. But that I just don't want him in my life. DH made a comment one day that "maybe in a year ...". I cut him off. I told him that SS32 is who he is (a taker and a user). Maybe he could change in a decade or so, but as I am in my 70s i'm not wasting any more of my life with him.

DH has 4 siblings. Two have not even seen SS in over 15 years (before he want to juvie). One has had contact and like me wants no more. The 4th is the sweetest, dearest person who I think probably will invite him to events again in the future.

I'm getting over most (not all) of the white hot RAGE I felt after the home invasion. I think I could probably be in the same room with him - but I would not speak to him.

If he approached me and said "I'm sorry" my response would be "Yes you are sorry. You are probably the sorriest sack of sh*t I've ever encountered in my 70+ years." But as SS has NEVER even attempted any apology for ransacking our home, sleeping in our bed and absconding with over $200 worth of liquor, I doubt if he would ever even say I'm sorry.

Since your not married to "SO", why are you putting up with all of this.

My DH was in the military overseas. He came home for a weekend and asked out the town bike for some guaranteed nookie. He was back overseas when he got a message that she was pregnant. He returned home and married her because that is what one did 40+ years ago if you were an "honorable" man. His father never believed that he was the father (prior to DNA testing).

Maybe that is why BM totally froze DH out of the funeral activities when that child died about 7 years ago. Or maybe she was just a bitch. But several years after their divorce when both were single they had a ONS and the disgusting worthless POS SS32 was conceived. OMG - he is the poster child for abortion. DH had a vasectomy two weeks after discovering that BM was knocked up with SS32.

But I do not blame BM only for these two disgusting human beings. DH was just as responsible for their existence. The only reason that I can accept DH is that decades have passed. One is dead and the other is in his 30s. Not really relevant today.

Our paths crossed in the 80s although we did not meet. He lived across the street from my parents. I would never have looked twice at him - except maybe sexually. He' s said he kind of remembers me as being "hot". At that point in my life I would not have given him the time of day.

But he is the perfect match for me now.

wow... long time nothing from you - }:) }:) }:)

kick him in the gahoonas if he invite her ever again lol.... oh dang Christmas is just around the corner..