Not sure what else to do
Hello all. I've been reading for a while but this is my first post.
I have been married for 3 years. I have a 13 year old daughter and a 15 year old Ss. I don't understand my ss. I just don't. He's a good kid. Doesn't get in trouble. Is polite (I've worked very hard on the please and thank you and it seems to be working). He was an only child before I came around and boy do it show. The sun rose and set on him. From his parents and grandparents (who play a very large part in raising him). He never had rules. He never had to clean up after himself (including putting a dish in the sink after eating...he just walked away from it. I was appalled by that!) I came in with tons of rules and the need to teach him to do things for himself. While we have made great strides, we still have so many issues. His grandparents make it an uphill battle. They still cut his food for him. But what's most concerning is the way he is towards me. He still doesn't talk TO me. I don't think he hates me, but he's so weird about the way he is with me. He talks TO his father - doesn't look at me. He will ask his father if he should tell me a story about something that happened. ("Should I tell her about my grade?" What the heck is that?!) He will walk past me in the hallway and cling to the wall - cause if he accidentally touches me he will get cooties??? If I'm awake in the morning and DH isn't, he won't come out of his room. Seriously? You can't say good morning and then to play your video games? He will ask DH what's for dinner, right in front of me, knowing ful well I'm the one who cooks.
i am so frustrated and don't know what else to do. I have considered disengagement before I even knew that term. But I find it hard to do, as I feel my role in a family is a caretaker. But I'm tired of doing everything for this kid (much more than bm ever does!) and getting treated that way in return.
your thoughts and comments would be greatly appreciated!
What is your husband doing
What is your husband doing about this? I hope he redirects the questions and tells him to ask youi directly. I also hope he's backing you up with the house rules. Why on earth are you ever in a situation where his grandarents cut up his food (seriously? He's 15!)? Nobody tells them to knock it off?
I've had to point all of this
I've had to point all of this out to DH but yes. He does redirect and correct. He doesn't know what else to do either.
we have talked to his parents about it. It hasn't changed. I've told them they are not helping him. He does not know how to function as a 15 year old boy. His relationship with them is unnatural. I've even said he should be wanting girls to sit on his lap. He should not be sitting on his grandfathers lap! (Yes. That happens. It disgusts me). And nobody says anything. DH doesn't even notice unless I point it out! I don't understand! It gets me soooo furious. DH feels oh well. That's on him. I just didn't raise my kids that way. And I can't talk to him the way I would talk to my own kids. (Hence the desire to disengage. I just haven't been able to!)
He doesn't know what to do?
He doesn't know what to do? What kind of consequences is he giving this child? If there are none, then there you have the first step.
Consequences for his parents too - they won't behave properly with him then they don't get to see him. No more cutting up food, no more sitting in laps. Tell them to adopt a dog if they have so much love to give.
Good grief, how on earth is the kid supposed to function in the real world? Does he have any friends? Hobbies? Is he interested in any sports?
Well, if you were a teen with
Well, if you were a teen with no rules, and were spoiled to the point of people cutting your food, would you like the person who came in and set rules on you? I wouldn't.
All of this parenting is your DH's job to do.
This.
This.
OP, my DH lived with FIL for a long time after he divorced, and both he and MIL would spoil my SSs, particularly YSS. BM would treat YSS like a baby, even having OSS do things for him versus just making YSS do them. He had life skills delays when I entered the picture.
I looked at DH and asked WTF was happening. DH did try with YSS, but when BM and her now XH were coddling, and all the grandparents (including BM's mom) were coddling, it was an uphill battle.
It took DH telling his parents to bug off in front of YSS for them to stop. It took me putting my foot down with YSS in my home and DH tearing into him if he backtalked me to get YSS to stop in front of us. DH even started calling out BM if she coddled in front of DH.
He still acts helpless when he doesn't want to do something (and he's almost 14), but like tog alluded to, if a kid can get away with it, they will.
YSS, much like your SS, isn't a bad kid. He's just catered to. But when he DOES do something for himself, he shows a lot of pride. I nearly clocked BM one time when she took that pride away from him. I taught him how to sew up a hole in his jacket (the seam along the sleeve had come undone), and when he did it, he was running around showing everyone what he did (he was 11ish at the time). He was SO PROUD that he learned a new skill and repaired his jacket, and that's the kind of pride you shouldn't take away from a kid. But when he showed BM, the lackluster expression she made totally deflated YSS...and then she started sending all their ripped stuff to me to repair.
This is on your DH to put his foot down with his parents and his kid. He has to recognize that it's an issue and correct it on the spot. If he doesn't see it as an issue, there is no amount of prodding, pushing, and hair-pulling you can do to fix it.
Have you disengaged? I agree
Have you disengaged? I agree completely with your last paragraph. How do I disengage and not let it affect me?
I wouldn't say I have
I wouldn't say I have disengaged. I'd more say that I only engage when I want to and don't fight losing battles anymore. I don't cook unless I want something. I don't argue about bed times. If it doesn't inpact me, I just let it go.
BUT, I have made it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR to my DH that no adult child will live in my home, so either he launches his kids or he launches to a new place with them. I also won't tolerate their disrespect and will put them in their place. If he doesn't back me, DH knows where the door is.
I have the benefit of only having the SSs EOWE and long holidays. If I were dealing with it daily like you are, I'd likely consider leaving my husband because I couldn't not engage. It would bother me too greatly.
My SS17 was the same with me
My SS17 was the same with me even after living full time with me and I took him to baseball, football, hockey practices and games and shopping, etc. He still could not look me in the eye, didn't ask ME what was for dinner, and the hugging the wall while passing me. It made life uncomfortable at times.
Even after years of DH saying "dont ask me ask classy what is for dinner" he still would not. He would go so far as to text his father if he was working 24 hour shifts of what was for dinner. If he didn't come out and ask me, I didn't make him anything. If he asked his father for a ride before he asked me, he didn't go. Sad to say none of it mattered and didn't change anything in the 4 years he was with us 24/7. Good thing is, I didn't cater to him or try to make it better. I just stopped doing it unless he addressed me. DH encouraged me in this.
Disengage - just stop doing unless he addresses you.
Kids should not be allowed to
Kids should not be allowed to behave as yours chooses to behave toward you. Your DH needs to man up and actually parent. If I were you DH would not get to ignore his kids rude and rediculously pathetic crap.