I don't want to do this for SD13!
I have disengaged in as pleasant and friendly a manner as possible from my skids. I don't do their laundry or get involved in school stuff etc. I support my SO and (for as long as I can grit my teeth!) offer opinions on the skids only if I am asked to do so. This is after 4 years of encouraging them, trying to help their dad raise them to be decent, friendly, polite kids who are fun to be around. What a wasted effort. They have no real interests, very few friends, not great social skills and are not big into change of any sort.
SD13 has just started her period. She didn't mention to me at all (fine with me ) and told her dad by text a week later. Also fine, I thought. As she and I don't have a tight bond, I wouldn't expect her to have approached me. SO is rather clueless about women's issues, eg keeping track of the dates, not flushing sanitary items, changing pads frequently etc. That's ok, I can help him with that behind the scenes. SD is hopeless at communicating and also quite lazy - she expects others to anticipate what she will need. She often doesn't know what the date is and is not self-aware with hygiene. I have left them to get on with it, apart from mentioning some basic facts to my SO to pass on to her. Lucky me, or so I thought.
My SO now wants me to go shopping with SD for her first bra. Please, no. I really do not want to do this because I believe if SD wanted my help, she would - or should - ask me herself. Also, as SO has in the past never supported me and openly undermined me over kids' well being - such as me telling them off for not washing hands after the toilet, not brushing teeth every day, using deodorant - why should I care about their bodily needs now?? Tell me if I'm being unreasonable, but this is not my problem!
Where is BM?
Why isnt BM doing this? She would probably be offended if you did this. Tell DH its her place, you dont want to offend her. Lol.
Totally agree. Especially if
Totally agree. Especially if he's openly undermined you before. Eff that. His monkey, his circus, his bra shopping.
Sadly Mum is no longer alive.
Sadly Mum is no longer alive. My get-out clause is: 'dear SO, she needs you, that's why she asked you not me.'He's not happy but maybe if he'd tried co-parenting with me rather than over protecting the little savages from any of my influence, it would have been different.
I have never parented a
I have never parented a female child. However, it makes sense to me that a pubesent kid would need some guidance from a female in their lives as they start their journey through puberty.
IMHO it is the rare kid going through puberty that has the self awareness and confidence to ask for help. It is a difficult time, shit is changing, their bodies are doing strange new things, etc...
While boys do not have quite the magnitude of changes during puberty, waking up in the morning with wet underwear when you know full well you did not wet the bed is not something that boys tend to ask for help from their parents about.
Giving this young woman guidance on bra selection, etc.... may not be an optimal point to disengage on.
Just my thoughts of course.
You're right, becoming a
You're right, becoming a teenager is such an awkward time. It helps to be reminded of that! Thank you.
I assume there is no BM? You
I assume there is no BM? You are not being unreasonable. Time for your SO to get comfortable with bra shopping.
Nooooo! Do not take your SD
Nooooo! Do not take your SD shopping for her first bra. Her BM will lose her shit! That's a BM job and frankly, I would be pissed if someone took away from me the first bra-shop for my DD. I'm gonna have to side with the BMs on this issue. I wouldn't go nuts like the BMs do though. With HCGUs often posted about here, I would not touch the first bra-shop experience with a 10-foot pole.
I totally agree with you that since your SO has never supported you and openly undermined you over the kids' well-being and hygeine, then he can't have it both ways. If he cares so much about his daughter going for her first bra-shop and her BM isn't in the picture, then he needs to do it. He's her parent: no you. If you weren't in the picture, he'd have to be the one to do it anyway. Unless your SD has a female relative who has a close relationship with her. However, if BM is in the pic, then the bra-shop should be her moment to share with her daughter.
I was thinking that maybe you
I was thinking that maybe you could suck it up and not take her but accompany your SO when HE took her, until I got to the part about him undermining you. Then I changed my mind. Hold your boundaries and stay totally disengaged. He's shown you where you stand with parenting his kids, and your position doesn't rrequire bra shopping, period handling or anything of the sort.
You are not being
You are not being unreasonable, especially considering how your SO treats you.
Many widowed fathers take care of these things for their daughters. My dad was a widower at 35 and had 3 daughters.
I made sure the SDs both got
I made sure the SDs both got appropriate underthings at the right time because BM did NOT. I was not going to be with them with visible 13 yo bounces happening while they ran down a crowded city street. Plus, you could tell they were uncomfortable when they pulled the front of their shirt away from their chest now and then. I have no regrets doing so then - but that was before I needed to disengage more.
NOW I would not touch it with a 10 foot pole, nope, nada. I don't even buy underwear, socks, shoes, nothing but needed food items. BM and DH get to do it. No relationship in that way, no help.
If your DH wants to take her, he can. He will have help for her at the store; the sales ladies love it (for the most part in my two experiences).
From a daughter\BM
From a daughter\BM\stepdaughter perspective: Ask him what he would do if you weren't in the picture. Then he can do that. I can imagine a lot of dads are not comfortable handling this part of raising a daughter, including my own husband and probably my dad too. Both would've probably had a female relative step up on this one, like an aunt or grandma. That would make sense. Me, personally, I would want my mom or sister to help my daughter if I wasn't alive to take her bra shopping or explain periods or whatever. My daughter would feel weird talking to her dad about this stuff. I would feel weird with my own dad too. I went to my dad for advice on a lot of things, but when it came to anything female related, I wanted my mom. I always liked my step mom but we never had that close relationship where either of us would feel comfortable talking about female stuff. She didn't have a hand in raising me though, since I had already graduated from high school by the time they got married. I would've wanted one of my aunts to take over something like that if I didn't have my mom. He really needs to think about what or who his daughter would be comfortable with when it comes to things like this. He's not thinking of either of you imo.
That's a good insight, thank
That's a good insight, thank you. There is basically a gap in the support network for SD. There are 2 grandmas but the nice helpful one lives far away and the nearby one is nice but not someone who'll actively do something practical or useful! I don't feel the gap is for me to fill - like many stepparents, I feel it has to be SO's job to manage these sorts of things and rely on other people. Maybe it sounds harsh, but if SO had agreed to co-parent (especially with no BM around) instead of being over-protective and undermining of me, I would have no problem caring for skids, as I would for my own child, friends' kids etc.
SO takes SDs to Victoria's
SO takes SDs to Victoria's secret and let's the clerks handle it. As far as sanitary napkins he has learned to keep a supply readily available at all times. He became capable because I refused to do it.
Agree. I dealt with the bras
Agree. I dealt with the bras for our bios but he is quite as apt as I am to ensure the supply of pads, etc,
SD doesn’t care about you,
At 13 she think she is an adult so let DH take care of it. You do not become the de facto bra person. Or period, or sex Person or, or. Just because you married her father. Because you are the evil SM. The first time you tell her something she doesn't like
'De facto bra person' - I
'De facto bra person' - I love it! And yes, I am seen as evil SM because I have values and hygiene is important to me!
if SO had agreed to co-parent
if SO had agreed to co-parent (especially with no BM around) instead of being over-protective and undermining of me, I would have no problem caring for skids
And that's just it, isn't it? When it's convenient for him, he wants you to step in, otherwise, he steps all over you. I don't blame you one bit.
Been there done that
The skids had their BIOM for the 2 females, but BD always underminded my attempts with the male that lived with us as a middle schooler and in high school. Yes, bathing was a constant problem, especially after the teen played basket ball. He wouldd also scratch at his pubic area when he did not bathe infront of his teen sisters. The older teen sister said that was okay because all the boys where she went to school did it, then laughed. I am telling you the agony will not go away as they enter adult hood. Part of the prolem is their father, as long as he tells them you are crazy behind your back and not support your attempts the whole thing is doomed. Then he will confront you and tell you why aren't you helping me with parenting them. The problem as they are adults is they do not work full time or no work at all, they emptied out $40-$45 K college money per child by not completing college, wasting it on apartments, cars, boyfriends, drive thru restaurants and electronic gadgets. Now they only visit their Dad in the nursing home when they want money. Since he did not have boundaries or expectations they are exactly the adult he molded them to be. I raised my college educated children prior to this marriage, they are not selfish, and do not have the expectation I need to financially support them into adulthood. SKIDS are now 20, 22, 25. Only the 20 year old is proving to have a work ethic and money management skills. I am only staying in this because I am now a senior and need a place to live. You are not going to have a very happy retirement or maybe never retire because you will always be the outsider.