How Do I Convince Myself to End It
I've reflected a lot lately about my 3.5 year relationship with my boyfriend and his 7 year old son, and while I feel deep down that this doesn't work out (or work out well) in the long run, I've struggled for a couple years trying to pull the plug.
Between the two of us.... generally, things are good. Some things great, some things not.
My biggest concerns here are that he:
(1) Takes a lackadaisical approach to life in general - not really being proactive or addressing anything until its already a BIG issue that he cant ignore anymore. I've seen him do this with me and our relationship, waiting until I'm at the breaking point to work with me on what I'm asking... I've seen this with his approach to his job... how he handles interactions with his ex... how he handles parenting (more on that below)... While he does end up eventually adjusting and working on things in the end, it takes A LOT of work, heartache and frustration to get there, and I'm usually the one picking up the slack, or dealing with uncomfortable circumstances in the meantime.
(2) He pushes boundaries and skirts the line (or "slightly crosses" the line) of what is ok. If I set a boundary for what I will or will not do, or what is or is not ok, he has pushed it with every trick in the book (yelling, shaming, guilt tripping, "white lies", manipulation, etc.). After I lost all my ground to this, I reestablished some boundaries, only to discover later that other ones had moved without me even realizing. It's constant work to keep them firm. And there is some broken trust as a result of this that we're trying to work through - but I don't know if we'll ever fully get there.
Despite all that, I've been working hard through it because we do have good aspects of our relationship - outlooks in common, enjoy similar lifestyles, enjoy each others company, etc. And obviously we love each other - so it's hard to just walk away.
But when it is the three of us - him, his son, and myself, things are unbearable. While his son loves me and is generally kind, he is undisciplined and acts out in inappropriate, annoying, or sometimes starting to be dangerous and unacceptable manners that go unchecked. My boyfriend fails to address any of this in any way (see above regarding his lacksidasical approach to life) and undermines my attempts to remind/correct/guide the situation, so it continues to get worse, and I can barely stand a few hours together with them, let alone believe that theres any possibility of us getting along for extended periods of time (trips, living together, etc.) in the future.
I have been thinking about this alot lately - especially since his schedule with the kid will be changing to have him for months at a time soon... but also because I started disengaging this time last year and I'm so much happier on the days I dont have to see the two of them. I dont want to move in or marry the guy any time soon... but I also dont want life as I know it RIGHT NOW to be a constant dance around not wanting to see him when he has his kid (we've talked, he already knows this and knows why - but still wants me there as much as possible, just putting up with the situation).
If I were reading all the above from someone else, I would have no hesitation in telling them to move on. So why can't I seem to convince myself to actually do it? How the hell do I dig myself out of this and just get out, when every time I think I have myself convinced, I somehow get convinced (or convince myself) to stay?
But when it is the three of
But when it is the three of us - him, his son, and myself, things are unbearable.
his schedule with the kid will be changing to have him for months at a time soon.
THIS should be enough to say "I'm Done". And there is always the possibility that he could have his son 100% of the time.
He is not a good father and is a TERRIBLE partner. Frankly, he has no idea how to be even a halfway decent partner. The negatives about this man and your relationship significantly outweigh the teeny bit of positive. Why are you okay being unhappy so much of the time?
If this is not enough, get some paper and a pen. Make two columns: Positives and Negatives - and write down the Positives and Negatives about this relationship I'm pretty sure the Negatives will win.
You have spent 3.5 years with
You have spent 3.5 years with a BF that undermines you and you see for yourself that at this rate you don't see a future with him. This is not a loving relationship. This is a man that doesn't care for your wants and needs. He isn't making any effort to try and change his shitty parenting and be a better partner for you.
He wants you there as much as possible but why? So you can keep his bed warm at night and help with his kid when he visits?
I don't know how old you are, matter of fact it doesn't even matter but are you ok wasting more years of your life on a man that doesn't place you as a priority...
Viewing Objectively vs. Clouded By Context
It's so much easier to view this objectively, and when I remove myself from the emotions and the history then yes, it's not a good outlook, or a great situation right now, even.
I always struggle once the familiar face and context is put back in my mind (or in front of me). Its not like I haven't dealt with my fair share of breakups before. It's that I'm particularly struggling on this one because I believe that if he's doing/not doing something I have a concern with, its because he genuinely believes from his corner of the world that everything is ok. I can see how this comes off that he just "doesnt care" about my concerns or feelings. But rather, I'm struggling with the fact that he does care and in many cases has adjusted but he doesnt place great enough importance on addressing them until its so overly obvious that its impacting me, or us, in a bad way that I'm already at the breaking point.
This leaves me right now at this very moment stupidly clinging to the hope that all the things at the top of my current list of concerns are just more frustrating conversations, and more situations of having to wait until there are bad enough situations and examples to point out, until he does something about these current issues....
But I dont really want to be playing a game of having to convince my partner over the course of several months to years to listen to me or work with me every darn time an issue arises...
I'm having trouble not feeling like theres "just one or two or three more conversations" before everything can work out.....
Honey, it's been 3.5 years.
Honey, it's been 3.5 years. This man has been showing you who he is for 3.5 years. BELIEVE HIM.
No matter how much you want people to change, that only happens if THEY want it, too. Oh, they might make some half-hearted attempts once in a great while, but will go right back to their old selves.
Love yourself more. {{hugs}}
God This Sucks
I hear you all... and unless I told him exactly how and what to do to be there for me, and he agreed that it was something he already wanted to do without my asking - no, I dont think that he'd really be someone I could count on if the shit really hit the fan.
He's always been a companion and lent a shoulder. But hasn't stepped in and been a true partner often at all. Hes expected me to.. but anywhere I've gotten "partner" type support has either been because I begged and negotiated and pestered him for months, or because some external factors changed to make him realize that he needed to adjust....
But crap. This is the person I'd go talk to whenever I'm going through something emotional like this. So, I know it's quite a common Catch 22 breakup story - you wany to break up, but then the moment you do, you want to call them for emotional support about it.
Ugh.
You haven't gotten to the
You haven't gotten to the point where "you're fed up". Once you get to that point where you just can't continue in this fallacy of a relationship.........you'll let it go....You're just not ready.
I could have written this myself!
I am in a very similar situation but only 18 month into this already engaged and i got so caught up in the glitz of a wedding it got booked for August .. i am a fool for his love this last weekend i just couldn't cope with how i feel having a child in my space who slurps when eating talks insistently and it drives me crazy! I don't remember my own grown kids behaving this way they we rent actually allowed to. Ive moved in lasted a month moved out and its been a repeated cycle at moment i live alone.
I just cant get why i feel this way and its a feeling not a thourght. Too feel a huge sense of relief when they leave, i miss him he's a fabulous man , man of my dreams but i just cant deal with the full time kid ;(
How do we break this ?
How do we get to grips in dealing with the way the kid makes us feel ?
Then maybe we can all be happy if i could just understand the feelings and deal with them.
Maybe you're hanging on to
Maybe you're hanging on to the "what could be/have been" emotion. You have to admit to yourself that after 3.5 years, you'll never have what you imagined was possible.
You might spend some time wiht a counselor to help work through this so that you can accept the reality and move forward. I bet it won't take you long snce I think you already know what needs to be done.
Things shouldn't be this hard!
That was my #1 red flag when I dated a guy with a kid. If you're in the dating phase of a relationship, it should be fun and overwhelmingly positive. When you have to keep having conversations about boundaries, priorities, etc... Something is way off and the relationship should definitely NOT progress any further. I'm not a big believer in the child-free woman/guy with kids match. I know it works out once in a while, but in general it seems most of the women end up unhappy or go through hell to get past the tough stuff.
As for why you're not leaving, I'm guessing either the physical part of the relationship is off the charts (always harder to walk away from that!), or maybe you've built your world around him too much? I'm only guessing that because you said he's the person you go to for support. Typically you should have a good support system of friends and family to go to if you take him out of the equation. Hopefully you get beyond whatever it is!
Support System
Yeah i totally agree, a support system is a must! That is definitely not helping the situation - although I'm not sure that its entirely all of it.
I dont have family out here they're across the country. Although I have a great bunch of friends who have been wonderful support - but right now is a tough time where everyone is in a bit of a social lull for their own responsibilities. We tend to do this "get busy" routine very Feb thru April and start freeing up and getting antsy and socializing alot more as spring and summer come. Everyone I can think of that I'm close with has XYZ thing going on right now (including myself), sometimes in temporarily very far away locations, contunuing for the next several months. What used to be as easy as asking for a happy hour friend date, now takes a couple weeks to coordinate schedules. I suppose I could find a new swing of things, it's just hard to jump over the hurdle.
So yeah, if I was so distracted I didnt mind, it would be a lot easier. But I probably have gotten a little too reliant on him for much of my social and emotional support.
He won't change
I read your post and sorry you're struggling with the bf and his son. My guess is that you all are much younger than my 54 year old self
and I can pretty much assure you (wthout my crystal ball here!) that your bf will NOT change...he does what suits him and that's that.
I'm leaving an almost 5 year relationship (married him 6 weeks ago and moving on Friday to get annulment & get my sanity back)...the 55 yr old man I married is NOT a father to his two adult daughters, 20 and 24, and he also waits until important things are in CRISIS mode before he does something about it. I'm exhausted and tired of being blamed for asking him to recognize the disrespect from his daughters (towards me), he won't. Not even as of tonight. I'm pretty darn sure that your situation will not improve because your bf doesn't see any need for change. The more you are there with him and his son, the less your bf has to do for you or his son. It's not fair to you.
Make a list of fun things YOU like to do and make a schedule to do them on the weekends or time that you would normally spend with the bf. The pro/cons list is great too! Find your happy girlfriend!!
Wishlist
Ooo i like the wishlist idea! My routine has gotten a bit stale and I've shrugged off doing some things lately because it's difficult to coordinate with him or with him + kiddo. And sometimes sheer lazy inertia, which he really amplifies in me.
It sounds like you have some similar issues as I'm facing. May I ask what changed between 6 weeks ago and now? I can see the slow roll over time, it's just surprising to be marrying someone one month and annulling the next. Not that its unheard of... I had my own reasons for moving in with the BF and looking for my own apartment again within the span of a month. It was like he turned into someone completely different overnight.