Im still waiting to see if it gets easier. It has gotten better since DH did his own research on disengaging. He really learned a lot and it has helped our relationship #1 for me to disengage and #2 for him to understand why.

I hate doing favors for SD16 but once in a while I will do a favor for DH that involves SD16. Now that she got her license I believe those favors would be few and far between. I still do things for the little skids but it's not expected of me. Usually I volunteer if I see him struggling. DH cant do it all and that's what spouses are for sometimes.

My DH also thought my behavior was out of spite when I started disengagement until I told him what I was doing and why and that it was to save our relationship. He did a lot of reading and understands my struggle more. 

Yes it gets easier. I never discussed disengagement with DH I just started slowly says no to things. Or ignoring things. Doing things alone. He got mad, we argued, but I always held my ground. Maybe stop using the term with him and just do it?

Your car ... You have the only keys? Then take them out of reach of anyone else. 

...does get easier but there are still times when DH wants me to do something I have said no to in the past.  We talk, we argue, we come to a reasonable outcome.  Although the skids are way grown issues still arise.  Set those boundaries and politely stick with them.  I still love DH and we strive to make our marriage the priority.  The key for us has been our love for each other and want to continue the journey.  But it has had some really rocky parts.

Depression is often the flip side of anger. I suggest counciling for you and an antidepressant.  You have to be good with yourself before you can be a good partner to DH.  No offense, but what do you do all day?   What would happen if DH were to die or leave you?   In my opinion, respect is earned, not a "right".   What qualities do you have that would make SD respect you?

As for the car business, it's HIS car.  He can let SD take it if he wants.   Who cares if she is home late--you're not going anywhere important.  Let him deal with it....

Ranting and self pity is the name of the game here, so carry on!

I have one of your answers: Why is it so hard for him to understand that I don't do favors for people that treat me badly?

In his eyes, you should do it for him, not for her. He just needs someone to get the kid to practice -- he doesn't want to rehash all the problems in the relationship when all he wants if for you to get her to practice. He needs help and you won't give it to him. But you also need help (to get SD to be respectful to you) and he's not doing much to make that happen. So you're at an impasse.

Stick to your plan. I told my husband for years he'd better clean up SD's act or he will get nothing from me in regard to her. Now that I'm disengaged, new problems arise because of that disengagement. I know I could fold, give up the disengagement principle, and make it easy on them, but no one has ever made it easy on me. No one ever thought to give in so I could have an easier time in this marriage.

Just keep reminding yourself of that -- no one is lobbying for you. No one is asking anything of SD. He's not putting himself out to get her to practice. Just remember that all this could have been avoided if your SD had behaved better and your SD would have behaved better if your husband had used his parental leverage to demand it.

Disengagement is lonely, especially at the beginning. But it gets easier. It doesn't ever feel "right," but as your husband settles in to being a single father, he'll get the hang of it, stop asking you to do things for SD, and eventually you'll have fewer and fewer of these blowups. And that will help your depression.

I also get that negativity in my head and that's all I can think about. Have faith that you'll all settle into this and it will get better. If it doesn't, you can try something new, but give this time to become the norm and then see if it's manageable.

I modulate my engagement activities.

I have yet to see a case where the Bioparents were actually doing their job, that a SParent got so frustrated they'd feel a need to disengage to force the parent to, well... PARENT.

But it works.

The book series "Boundaries" describes setting boundaries. I believe in setting reasonable boundaies as described, and if all those don't work, disengaging works.

Maybe you can consider telling your husband that you're setting boundaries, but he isn't respecting them - AND his daughter isn't, either - and this lack of respect has left you feeling a need to go extreme with disengaging so the two of them MUST figure out solutions for their own problems. Maybe tell him you feel like he's treating you like a butler/chauffeur/live-in-maid/whatever, and that wasn't what you signed up for. Your idea of supporting him is more mental, emotional, spiritual, etc... but supporting his ex by taking care of things his ex should be handling/co-parenting with him to get done is NOT what's gonna happen.

*

It is not perfect by any means. A better relationship would be NOT being forced to stay away to get your own emotional peace of mind.  But, many of us here are left alone to solve our problems-- when we deal with men who cannot parent, regardless of reason. At this point you have no choice but to get off the dead horse, it is dead; there is nothing you can do yourself to get it back up on its legs either.  You can throw money at the dead horse, talk to it, do backward flips all around that dead horse---the horse is still dead. 

Accepting the horse is dead is the first step!

I too could have written your post, although I disengaged about 4 years ago and had no idea it was even a thing.  I am just now learning that it is, I felt horrible in the beginning, like I was a horrible person.  I have always had a very positive and outbeat look on life, sure of who I was.  Today, I am not so sure.  I am as hopeless now as I was then.  I have been seeing a counselor and it has helped, but I wouldn't let her put me on medicine.  I am starting to think differently.  I was always the type to not believe in all that, so it became a pride thing for me.  I have recently started looking for a job, I believe it will help me get some of my pep back.  Yet even that has its stress factors, like our 8 year old being with SD when I am not here.  I read your post and it was me all over.  I didn't like the comment about it being H car though.  I do not work and I have a car, it is my car, not My H's.  And SD, even if H ever let's her drive, will not use it ever.  But I can tell you now, even though I did not know what I was doing then, after a few years it became normal.  H understands my position now, it was a hard lonely road at first, I wish I had a forum like this then to help, but it does get better.  I still fight with some things, like even if she smarts off to H, I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, but I do.  I pick a song and play it in my head.  It use to be a medoly I made up, not my kid, not my problem.  Just hang in there and be true to you first, always.  

Yes, it does get easier.  It's been six years and i finally am "at ease".

I don't give my SD a second thought.  It is very difficult for parents, with kids still home, to disengage.  Not sure I could have accomplished it.  My SD is grown and STEP KIDS don't live at home.

Hang in there, sounds like you are in the usual stages of DH denial.

I disengaged over a year ago. My DH knows why i did this. However, summer is here and teenage SGS asked ME(he was here with my DH after a fishfing trip): "So, when are we going to the ocean?" I referrecd him to my DH. I work hard and have only 2 weeks off per year. My two weeks is sacred and DH knows SGS will NOT be coming this year. 

The stepGS calls his bioGM EVERY time I have a glass of wine, every time I might have a quarrel with my husband, he CONSTANTLY texts his bioGM about me. Bio GM encourages this. I found that he had used my iPad and he had left a text message conversation on my iPad. The messages were between bioGM and him. In it, she told him I am evil and no good and she forbid him to have any contact with me. It was near Christmas and EVERY year I have been generous with him. But, he isn't grateful and now makes lists of exactly what he wants. He told bio GM that he "better have contact with me" or "she won't buy me what I want!" BioGM responded: well, then she is JUST evil!" Talk about teaching kids horrible values. 

He went on to say he will pretend to like me and that he did not want to block me anymore---since Christmas was near and he wanted me to buy him specific things (expensive, too!)  BioGM told him "I am in control, no you will not speak to her!" BioGM is very self-centered. She dropped off one SK (the mom of stepGS) at age 14 on our doorstep and never came back. In her words: "I will not allow my daughter to ruin my happy marriage!" 

So, I have no problem maintaining disengagement. Do i feel sorry for this kid. Yes. But, bioGM controls him--even the way he thinks about me. It's heartbreaking. BUT, I have no control of the sick ex-wife (she is to be pitied as if she can do this to her own GS, she must be a miserable human being).

When I first started disengaging (for the benefit of my BIoDS more than anything else) it was a tough transition because I absolutely looked like the bad guy but I had to draw a line in the sand. My DS's well-being is far more important than my two Skids who are ungrateful, entitled, spoiled and generally unpleasant. It was most hard for both my DS (who really just wanted a nice relationship with the Skids) and my SO/fiancee who was hurt about the whole thing. He's come to understand why I had to disengage but he wishes more than anything that we could all be a happy family (he's a generally positive individual who is happy and likes to think the best of everyone). My DS(11) has even come to terms with the fact that these two Skids aren't pleasant and don't care to have a relationship with him as painful as that was for him to deal with - I finally had to tell him to forget them, he has great friendships in his life that are going to be worth far more in the future than these two ever will. Their loss :shrug

It does get easier, but naively I didn’t foresee the problems that came with it like in laws taking the side of the stepkids that were there first etc. So It wasn’t just skids I had to disengage from it was dhs whole family. It’s difficult learning to have a thick skin but it does happen with time.