Disengaging after being called mom
I have two stepchildren, SD21 and SD22. BM was not around when they were growing up. She didn't even bother showing up to the custody hearing.
DH and I don't have kids together and do not want to. DH has presented a united front, and I feel very lucky and grateful for that.
When DH and I got married, they called me mom. It was their choice. Of course, over the years, it didn't feel as though they really saw me as mom and I offered many times to revise our relationship, but they would just sit there quiet with frozen looks on their faces. I couldn't read their minds. But they kept calling me mom. I should note that I have an unusual first name, so perhaps Mom was just easier to say.
When they became legal adults, both ghosted me. I have read plenty of anecdotes on the internet to realize I'm not the only one to experience this.
SD is planning to get married and long story short it seems like I'm being cut off completely, not a suprirse after the ghosting. But I guess I'd been hoping the ghosting was temporary. Now I'm looking at a life with my husband invited to family stuff, but not me. My husband will be a grandfather, but I will not be a grandmother, after we raised kids together.
It's painful but I'm not going to try and force to have a relationship with them. I understand the concept of disengaging but I feel foolish. Even though they didn't seem to really see me as mom, I saw them as my kids. So I just feel really weird about having had kids for about 10 years but now I don't - and they didn't die.
Anyway, I'm looking for ways to cope and frame the dynamic so I'm not habitually triggered and sad for the rest of my life.
Wow, that's sad, I'm sorry -
Wow, that's sad, I'm sorry - are they back in touch with BM? Is that why they ghosted you? If so, my guess is that they will come back around in a few years when they see BM's true colors.
I just found out that SS met
I just found out that SS met with BM once. I think they lightly keep in touch over Facebook but there's no real interest to keep meeting in person on his part, is my understanding. SD refused to meet with her.
In our case, it's my father in law who plays the role of ex-wife. He was living with DH and Skids when I came along. He had to move out and he resented that, even wrote an email to my DH asking him not to get married. Thirteen years later, he must have played a long game, bc SS lives with father in law and SD visits him alot. But both barely talk to DH and neither talk to me at all.
Wow, that's sad - too bad DH
Wow, that's sad - too bad DH didn't cut them off from him years ago.
My guess is that now that he has won the "prizes", he too will show his true colors to them at some point.
That's why I only put tons of
That's why I only put tons of effort into my actual children. But I understand that they were that for you. Bio kids do it too. Sad
Welcome to the site!
I am sorry to hear what you have been through, but sadly it's not that unusual based on stuff you read here. It's good that you and DH present a united front. However, have you discussed with him the scenario going forward? Or are you just assuming he will go to his kids' events without you? Personally, I don't think my DH would want to go, if I were not welcome, and would almost certainly stay away out of loyalty to me. At the very least he would challenge it.
Your DH is your life partner
Your DH is your life partner. Invited or not, he should be on your arm for every family event whether the adult toxic pelvic projectiles like it or not.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
They either suck it up or they have to make it a point not to have daddy as part of their lives.
Your DH needs to be the one with clarity on this and to understand that they wil not be tolerated to exclude his wife/ the other woman who raised them.
They have space in your head only if you allow it. It is better to occupy space in their obviously limited cranial volume than the other way around. Focus on your life and on you and DH being on each other's arms as you live your lives together.
This is the typical daddy must prove his love to me
So i test him by purposely not inviting my stepmum. Because if daddy says no i will not go without my wife (your stepmum) being invited, they can twist things around and claim daddy doesn’t love them. Its all about the pity party and twisted games they play