Dealing With Holiday Period
I'm hoping for advice on dealing with the Christmas holiday period as it approaches.
Brief history, SD is 22 and I am the only father she has known. BioDad left as soon as he found out my wife was pregnant and has never been on the scene. We have 2 other sons with special needs. SD has had every privilege i could offer and has been treated as my own. Over the last 3 years she had lived at home rent free while doing a degree at University and in the last year she got with a new GF and spent the year lying about her GF which caused a lot of issues within the family. I no longer feel like SD and I have any real bond. I'm not sure if this is a permanent split but for the sake of my two sons I have disengaged to prevent my wife and I divorcing.
SD is 22 and now lives with her GF. BioMum refuses to see the wrongs done by SD and prefers to blame me. She has accepted that SD and I don't spend any time together now and we are working on the marriage.
My problem lies in Christmas. If SD comes round it will make Christmas uncomfortable and horrible and I simply do not want her here. She doesn't speak with respect to or about me so and I don't want to deal with that in my own home at Christmas, let alone any other time of year.
BioMum and I have just started back on working on our relationship and I'm worried this will set us back but I know I won't be able to fake it over Christmas either so the lesser of two evils is asking her to go to her daughters place to spend time with her at Christmas.
Anyone had experience of asking BioParents to split their time at Christmas between them and StepKids? Any idea on broaching the issue will be greatly appreciated.
Take the long view
I can tell you are hurt and angry. But I'm going to suggest you take the long view and realize your SD will be a part of your life forever, or as long as you're married to your DW. I'm not saying forgive and forget (impossible) but for one day, just be civil and polite. If nothing else, think of it as a gift to your wife.
Not knowing the details of what went on, maybe this isn't possible. But consider whether this might be possible for one day.
I was the black sheep step-daughter for awhile. Time and me gaining some maturity helped rectify that. Life is long and things can change. In any event, I hope you have a peaceful holiday.
It's still too raw for me.
It's still too raw for me. Maybe things will change between now and Christmas and I really really want to be the bigger man but I know one off comment or look will throw me and I won't be able to not respond.
I know in time I will be able to be civil and polite but I think it's too soon this year and she can be very manipulative and because my wife won't see her wrongs if things don't go right over Christmas I know I will get the blame and possibly rightly so.
I just think the least worse course of action is to ask her to not come round. It's breaking my heart but I can't see a way around it.
From his last post it sounds
From his last post it sounds like she's just sort of a mouthy/backtalky mess of a drama queen. Borderline-ish from the description.
It does suck, because through marriage, divorce, and dating a few guys, some serious and one even with 3 kids, i always looked forward to the holidays. Certain personalities and certain situations just suck all the joy out of things and lead to dread. I don't have the answers but i would say if you do try to white-knuckle it through some celebrations with people you don't like, start by setting a time limit. "We will host/go to (blank) on this day between these times." When you have a defined end, it makes it easier to stomach. That's all i got.
That's perhaps a good idea
That's perhaps a good idea with the 2 comments combined.
I could take the long view with a short time frame. Perhaps a couple of hours.
I hate this but I can't see anything better
I would actively schedule a
I would actively schedule a "family event".. like maybe it's "We will gather as a family for Christmas Eve Dinner to exchange our presents".. So she comes with GF and you have a "nice" short dinner and brief exchanging of gifts. You can bite your tongue for a couple of hours and mom can have her daughter with her celebrating.. then on Christmas Day.. everyone is with their own people.. and it's a more laid back and no non residents..
There is very
little worse about steplife than screwed up holidays. Our hopes and anticipation rarely come true and sometimes when you think it couldn't possibly get worse, despite our best intentions, it does.
If you can focus on your own kids and maybe introduce a fun event just for them into the day it might be easier to get through what you're dreading. Forgive me if I'm suggesting things your kids might not be able to do, but maybe a walk in a wooded park and take hot chocolate and homemade cookies for a snack? An afternoon at the movies with unlimited junk food? Just things that could become a tradition and break up the day. Or even rent a beach condo that has an indoor pool. Just something that lifts the heaviness from having yet another dreaded holiday.
We did not have drama
We did not have drama specifically Christmas related. Like you, I raised my SKid as my own. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. SS-32 is an only in our family. Though his SO, when he has one, is a BF, we do not have the Skid behavioral crap that you have. I would not tolerate it and neither would his mom.
My DW had full physical and legal from birth and since the SpermClan belonged to a fringe Christian cult that did not acknowledge or celebrate Christmas, it was always my DW's. Our Christmas or other Holiday drama was usually with my ILs. It was often very upsetting to my wife so I had to resolve the issues.
My solution was making the behavioral boundaries very clear to everyone and enforcing them instantly if they stepped out of line. That usually resolved the heartbreak my DW often had when we had holidays with my ILs. Though those violating the boundaries I set did not care for it much.
I recommend that you tell your DW that if SD attends and steps out of line that she will be removed from your home as you will not allow her to jeopardize the Holiday for your other kids or anyone else. Put it on your DW to either go to her DD's for the holiday or ... keep SD in line. Basically make sure DW has the message that she deals with it before you have to or, you will deal with it instantly and assertively and if necessary you will call the police to report that SD is creating a problem that LE will have to deal with.
Make it clear, keep it simple.
Good luck. I hope that you and your DW can continue your relationship focus. Maybe an SD holiday visit will be just the opportunity for your DW to see your SD for what she is rather than as needing mommy to run interference for her. Be calm, be firm, and have your "Are you really going to tolerate her pulling this crap?" look ready for your DW when your SD invariably pulls her crap. Pull your phone out periodically and wave it at your DW when SD is pushing her usual crap. Protect everyone else present by holding SD to behaving and holding DW accountable for SD and SD's behaviors. Make sure DW understand that she nor SD will like it if you have to.
I would.
It is good to have another StepDad here. This is definitely an SM rich environment. Love all y'all ladies!
Merry Christmas!
My SD29 behaved abominably
My SD29 behaved abominably towards me several years ago and I finally decided I wasn't prepared to see her at our house any longer, DH now sees her and her sister elsewhere. It was a long wrangle with DH to get to this point, initially he threatened divorce to force me to carry on having a relationship with her, but I was adamant. Last Xmas, he went out for a meal with both his daughters, neither came here. He sees them every month or two. We have done a lot of work on our relationship and things are better between us. Like you, I wouldn't have been able to fake it over Xmas, so I suggest that you stand firm, like I did, as this is all you can offer. If your DW doesn't see any wrongdoing by her daughter, you may have a difficult road ahead, but don't compromise yourself, you will regret it later.
If you want to stay married
You are going to have to eat crow. Being the bigger person you must let SD come over on the holidays to keep DW happy. Explain to DW. She most likely knows...... You can only take small doses of SD. That DW should talk to SD, telling her to behave like a person ... That you also for the sake of the family will behave like a person.
i have the same type of problem. SD Bui dad would rather drink then see or provide for her. If it wasn't for I. Supporting her during her childhood. Who knows what it woukd be like. One would think she should she should appreciate you for this
Sadly I'm coming to that view
Sadly I'm coming to that view that I will have to stomach her coming over. I don't want to but I know it will cause more trouble if I don't let her come over.
You need an honest
You need an honest conversation with your wife. She must understand that it's hard for you to be around SD currently and you'd like some space this Christmas. Then you can decide as a couple what is best--a short visit with SD at your house or your wife going to SD's.
What's your ultimate goal? To reconcile with SD? Or to cut her out of your life?
My wife is stuck in the view
My wife is stuck in the view that I'm at fault for what's gone on and SD hasn't done anything wrong.
I don't know what I want in the end. I feel like 16 years as her dad should count for something and I don't want to just give up on that but I'm struggling getting past her behaviour. Normally I can just move on from stuff like this but this feels bigger and I sometimes feel like I'm being blamed for everything so I feel like having nothing more to do with her it might be easier all round.
You don't say what caused the
You don't say what caused the rift with your SD other than her lying. Which is terrible, but if she's in a same-sex romantic relationship with her GF and she knows you don't approve, the lying is understandable. But since you don't say (and you don't have to), it's hard to help with specifics.
So if you want to repair the relationship, that will require open communication among you all. If you no longer want a relationship, then you'll need to disengage and stop caring about what she does or doesn't do.
And the holidays are the absolute worst time to start working through relationship issues. Agreement not to discuss whatever happened for a time and limited contact might be a good way to push the issue out a month or two. Then, the help of a therapist for you and your wife might be helpful in finding a way forward and still have a good marriage.
The Rift
Her sexuality has never been an issue. She blames out as Bi in her teens and we never judged her on the gender of her chosen partners.
She has had 2 BF's and 2 GF's. Her previous 3 partners before this i never got involved and let them develop as they should. This most recent GF i was deeply uncomfortable with how SD described the relationship. She said that GF spoke to her disrespectfully in front of GF's parents and belittled her. Then she said she was on a night out and GF spoke to her like s*it and it got so bad GF's boss got involved and that as long as GF could control when she saw her she was great. That along with a lot more tales that were all red flags gave both me and BioM great concern.
It was only when a few of the lies started to unravel did we find everything out and it turns out GF is actually very supportive and kind its just SD who has overly exaggerated certain situations and lied about others for an unknown reason.
Wife wants to brush it under the carpet, let the issues drop and pretend it hasn't happened. It's changed my view of SD fundamentally especially considering she was quite happy to see her relationship with me destroyed rather than tell the truth.
Now I'm trying to work with wife to sort our relationship out but I'm having nothing to do with SD
?
Lies should not be tolerated. Doing so does not help anyone, it only breeds further dysfunction. My question is...does the fact that your wife wants to "brush it under the carpet" change your view of her?
You do not deserve this, neither your wife turning a blind eye nor blaming you. What about counseling? For yourself if your wife will not attend, but ideally for you two as a couple.
I have read this with great interest, especially those who have mentioned that SD needs to come to keep the peace with your wife. I don't agree with this. If it were my daughter treating my husband this way, I would not be sticking up for my daughter. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter dearly; however really loving someone is looking our for their best interests and holding them accountable. Tough love. I am for it. Whether it's myself, my husband, my kids, his kids, my family, his family.... I do not expect from others what I am not willing to give myself. Honesty and transparency. The same standards should apply to all with no special allowances for anyone.
Honestly I can appreciate the
Honestly I can appreciate the horrible position my wife is in. She feels like she has to choose between her own daughter and the man she loves and push comes to shove I'll lose that battle. In a way I respect that.
But I am frustrated that she hasn't recognised the lies for what they are or held SD accountable for her actions.
I've considered counselling but my wife is reluctant. I've 2 boys with special needs and I'm really wanting to make sure my entire family doesn't split because of SD actions and I'm worried that my wife won't respond well to counselling.
I feel like I've lost my SD and I'm currently walking a difficult line to keep my wife. It's very frustrating!
Oh, the SD is the creater of
Oh, the SD is the creater of a web of the toxic victim. Only in her case she is not the victim, she is the perpetrator.
This is what happens when parents take a hands off position and kids are not raised with standards of behavior or performance then when they become POS adults no one jerks a knot in their tail.
smh
This is tough.
I understand where you are coming from. I, too, have a dysfunctional SD. I am lucky that my husband is on the same page; it hurts him to admit she is what she is, but he knows my assessment of the situation is spot on. (He recently told BM that they did SD no favors when sweeping her nonsense under the rug. That's progress.) She is not, nor ever will be, welcome in our home. He has currently blocked all communication.
I will likely see her during the holidays at family gatherings. As per all interactions with SD, I will be cordail out of respect for my DH. I will say that I am resentful that I will have to accomodate her on days that should be filled with peace, love, and joy. She is anything but.... She makes my skin crawl.
Resigned
I'm resigned to the idea that I will have to see her at our house for a few hours to keep my marriage alive. My wife isn't in the space that she thinks she has done anything so bad and has blamed me for a lot of it. I'm not without blame but my actions were of a loving father believing his lying SD when she described an abusive relationship.
I'd love if my wife would see my side but I've come to realise it's very selfish of me to try and force my wife to see her daughter for what she is and has done. So I'm just separating myself from SD. I'll be polite and civil but I want nothing more to do with her.
It pains me because up to now we have been an amazing family and I just can't get over the lies.
!
Your wife needs to see her daughter for "what she is and has done". It is the only way for true peace in your relationship.
I'm sorry you are in this position, I feel for you. I care.
I get it
You are not alone. You spent your time and money raising SD, what you didn't have to do. To get basically backstabbed, by SD. DW must understand you can only take small doses of SD. Three four hour dinner, where you can go watch tv at times, or have to do something outside ? Is doable, Staying over in your home is out of the question.
Your not the BF, You have nothing to do with SD sexual orientation. And since SD is out of your home , you just don't care either. Disengagement. Save a tuurkey leg for me