Wife not carrying out what she agreed to
Looking for some advice from others on how you would handle this situation.
On Wednesday night, my SS11, confided in his mom that he sent a dick pic to a random girl on snapchat last week. Yes, a dick pic and he's 11 years old!!!
My wife was beside herself when she found out. Her and I were disgusted and she talked with him about how wrong that is, how serious it is and told him his consequence would be the loss of his phone as he's shown he is abusing the privilege.
Her and I talked yesterday and she decided he would get his phone back next Thursday. She told him that today and he hated it, but that's the consequence for his choice and his actions. I thought this was fair given the significance of his actions.
I come home tonight (Friday), not even 48 hours since he sent a dick pic and he has his phone back. I asked if it's just for the night (because his mom is out), and he proceeds to tell me, 'no, I have it back for good now.'
Needless to say, my jaw dropped. I didn't say anything to him, I left his room and walked away very confused and angry with her. She's not holding her end of the agreement and this isn't the first time she's done this.
Her and I have talked about her inability to carry through on the consequences with her boys and it's extremely frustrating. There have been other serious incidents where I feel she's come off 'light' on the punishment, and we continue to have issues with my SS11 behaviour. He's told me he knows she'll give in and won't carry through and she keeps reinforcing this for him. I'm so frustrated with her!
What would you do?!?!
Stop expecting her to keep to
Stop expecting her to keep to what she says and advise her not to issue consequenses she has no intention of keeping. I would also stop trying to play a role in managing her kids if she is not willing to be consistent, there is no point baning my head against a brick wall each time she goes against what she agreed.
Yeah, I think you're exactly
Yeah, I think you're exactly right. She's had trouble in the past, so perhaps the problem I'm having is that I expect each new time to be different, but it's not. If I stop expecting that I'll lose the frustration. Thank you so much.
I've recently taken a step back to managing her kids and we've agreed to each take lead in discipline roles with our bio kids.
Prepare for much worse to come
She's not stepping up and making sure her kid isn't a feral beast. Dick pics can lead to legal troubles, which can cost a lot.
Then there's the escalation. If the little sex offender in waiting doesn't get pulled in line, and knows his mom is a joke, it's going to be off to the races as he gets older.
I'd certainly separate finances if you are not already, and a post nup if you don't have a strong prenup protecting your assets in the event she gets sued when her sons behavior continues down the primrose path of dalliance.
Your wife is a failed parent and disgustingly will send her no-consequences raised child into society. It's one thing for kids to make mistakes. It's another to do nothing to correct said child and discipline as needed.
That kid should not have his phone again until he shows maturity and responsibility. Your wife should take parenting classes.
Time to separate everything
Time to separate everything so it's easy to pick up and leave if you need to in the future.
Seriously, this incident should be the incident where you lose faith and trust in your wife to follow through on what she says. Not only do you need to separate parenting responsibilities, but money, financial responsibility, all of it needs to be within your respective "pockets" so you don't end up entangled in something in the future.
Additionally, if you don't have any emergency savings for you and your kids, get some savings ASAP.
This all may seem like a way over-the-top reaction, but your wife is showing you again that her comfort with her kids trumps her promises made with you as the other adult in the home and in her life. You can't place trust in someone who blantantly lies to you.
OP, read this as many times
OP, read this as many times as you need to for it to properly sink in.
Because your so is acting like a total dipshit...
Does she know for sure the dick pic was sent to a girl??
lets face it, paedophiles and sex predators impersonate as kids and the opposite gender all the time exceptt they are in their 20s, 30s, 40s and beyond.
so ss sent a dick pick to a paedophile for all we know, ss may have alwo told said paedophile what suburb he lives in, what school he goes to etc... 1 day poof he is gone, disappeared, raped and murdered.... all because bio mum couldn’t give a shit!!
The dick pic was sent to an
The dick pic was sent to an 11 year old girl, who had sent him nudes the week before. Apparently she said she was going to tell friends that he had asked for them if he didn't send her a pic.
No pedophile here. Two kids being extremely stupid!
Don't you think the girl's
Don't you think the girl's parents should know what she's doing? For her own safety?
Her parents were informed the
Her parents were informed the night my wife found out. My wife learned that this little girl has been trouble for them of late and she's going through some things. It doesn't make it right, but apparently they were both responsible.
Your wife and this girl's mom
Your wife and this girl's mom are making excuses. Don't be surprised when they wind up in jail or pregnant.
Wow.
Wow.
I would have taken the phone away so much longer than that. Also, when he received the phone back ZERO apps would have been on it. No social media, period. Call and text only. I may even trade it in for a flip phone. SS showed point blank there is no need for him to have social media. Your wife is a terrible parent.
Please protect yourself
and show her this link.
https://www.hg.org/legal-articles/minors-sharing-explicit-self-images-wi...
If she doesn't take it seriously, you should, and take whatever actions you deem necessary to protect yourself. Just imagine if someone asks later if you knew about this and what did you do? Not having knowledge of the law is not a legal defense, and this is way more serious than "kids being kids" as far as the law is concerned. You viewed the image and so did his mom, please don't get caught up.
Thank you for the link. I'm
Thank you for the link. I'm in Canada and will have to do some research to see what the law says up here. I do know it's illegal no matter what country you're in. I also agree, that having knowledge of it now, gets me involved whether I want to be or not.
You are welcome
And I am sorry that you are going through this.
" Apparently she said she was going to tell friends
that he had asked for them if he didn't send her a pic.". That is extortion and more proof that she is very well aware of what she is doing and extorted your stepson! He got punished for "giving in" and sending the pics so she wouldn't "tell that he asked her for the pics she sent"! Do you really think a child that knows to say that to someone hasn't done the same thing to other children?! There goes the innocent, kids being kids, defense. Your SS is possibly a victtim of someone, who is also probably a victim of some serious crimes.
You are required to report this, to protect your SS, as well as yourself. It's not going to go away. This is not an isolated case for her as already admitted by her parents, one of which could be a perpatrator, since they are so nonchalant about what their daughter is doing and her 'history'. A responsible parent is going to get wind of this, do some digging and the spit is going to hit the fan.
Absolutely agree! This is a
Absolutely agree! This is a troubled little girl and she's done this before. Excuse me while I puke!!! Having talked with my SS today about it, he's acknowledged what he did was wrong. He's also acknowledged this girl is not going to be someone he spends time with moving forward and he's going to respect himself and his body more. There's a reason they call them 'private parts', and he's learning a lesson on this one. He's cried himself to sleep the past 2 nights feeling intense guilt and shame.
Please get him some help
ASAP. Rational talks are fine, but this is not something that can be cried away. He also has to deal with his peers and bullying, etc., because she is going to retaliate once pressed. Not hanging around someone physically does not mean they cannot harass, intimidate or bully online or by sharing with his peers. He is probably terrified that his picture is going to get out,etc. Please get him some help, so that he doesn't have to manage his emotions alone, because his mother is not protecting him and you are looking for a "lesson' to be learned. Learning things the hard way is painful even when you are an adult, how this is managed will shape who he is as a himan being. Some of us are 'mature' and know people that would take advantage of us and have been victims of bad intentions. Don't let your lesson be learned from denial and passivity.
https://www.healthlinkbc.ca/health-topics/sabus
Nothing tossing the phone in
Nothing tossing the phone in the toilet won't resolve. An 11yo has no business with a smart phone and you enforcing consequences that BM set whether she wants to stick to her guns or not will take away any choice she has as far as enforcing consquences is concerned.
We decided to cut off all access to computer games for SS when he was in 6-7th grade. So, we got rid of all games and game systems. The SpermClan would give SS those things as gifts even though he and they knew the were not allowed in our home. After each SpermLand visitation we would go through SS's bags and collect any games or portable game systems they had given him. They would be locked up and he could take them back to SpermLand on the next visitation. There were a few times where he hid them from us for a while. But he was unable to not play them and invariably we would walk in to his room at some point and find him playing. That resulted in much crying, etc.... If he cried and protested we destroyed them. If he handed them over we locked them up and he could take them on the next visitation. It got to where he would just hand us his gaming bag when he arrived home from SpermLand visitation for us to lock up and would ask for it back just before he left for his next visitation.
Personally
I would have taken his phone off him for good! However in this situation I have learned to let the my other half now discipline (or not in some cases) the way he sees fit. I don't even question it anymore. It stresses me out too much. Let her get on with it. Wait until something else goes wrong again and perhaps she will realise.