Between a rock and a hard place
I'm trying to get some perspective on the situation I find myself in. I've been with my GF for 2.5 years now. She is my first serious relationship since my divorce and loves me like no one else ever has. When we started dating we both had 50/50 custody of our boys. Back in July her and her 2 boys moved into my house with my son. A month later her ex physically abused her youngest son and since then there has been a no contact order in place between her boys and their dad (this isn't the first time he's abused them, only this time it had to be reported given the physical injuries). The sad reality is that their bio dad has been abusing them for years, mentally, physically, emotionally. Around the same time of the abuse, her oldest was diagnosed with ADHD. She's had full custody since August, while I continue to have 50/50 custody with my boy. It's been tough having her boys around full time as it's limited the one on one time that her and I can have to build our relationship. I'm also struggling with the fact that I spend more time with her two boys than my own son. Her and her boys have to go to court next week because he has plead not guilty to the charges, this will be extremely hard on all of them but I'm hoping the decision of that day will help provide some answers to move forward.
The fact the boys haven't seen their dad for 3.5 months is really starting to get to them and it's affecting their behaviours. Her youngest talks back to me daily no matter what I say to him, he is defiant, confrontational and I believe he has ODD. He can turn the house upside down in no time and it's extremely frustrating. His counsellor has just told us that he has gender identity issues and that could also be contributing to his actions. Her oldest has been taking medication to help his ADHD and it's helping to a degree. Her and I have been studying ADHD and ODD and applying behavioural therapy also. Their dad has exposed them to violence, substance abuse, drugs and alcohol and has no respect for women, himself or the authorities. Needless to say he's been a horrible role model to them.
This is polar opposite to how I have raised my son and now that my son has been exposed to some of their language and behaviours he's starting to behave and speak differently to me. I can't stand to see how they talk to my GF, they can be really rude.
My GFs boys have been seeing a counsellor and behaviour specialist for the past 9 months but unfortunately I'm seeing little to no progress. 2 times in the past 2 weeks I have literally had to remove each of her boys from my home because of the way they're acting. I will not be spoken to in my house the way they speak to me. My boy has been home on these nights and it scares him to see all of this. It's not an environment I want for myself or my boy, I find myself becoming a person I don't like. The last time this happened I told all of them that I will not continue to live like this and if they don't change their behaviour they'll be looking for a new place to live because it's really getting to me and I won't put up with it.
Needless to say a lot has changed since we moved in together. Mainly custody, her boys behaviours and the increased exposure my son has had to their aggressive behaviours. Having everyone under the same roof has been challenging and I'm hoping to get some advice or suggestions on how I should handle things. I love this girl, but her boys and their behaviours concern me. I worry about their behaviours as they grow up and the exposure my boy will have to things that I don't agree with or support at all. I also refuse to live in a home of yelling and disobedience. What would you do?
Thanks for your feedback and
Thanks for your feedback and perspective. I really appreciate it. It may seem selfish but you've identified my biggest concern - the influence her boys negative behaviour will have on my son. I want the best for him and I and I worry that they could really put him off the tracks.
Thanks again.
I'd leave.
I'd leave.
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the perspective and background. Yours is a good news story and that is what I want for my boy and I. He didn't ask for a split home to begin with, and he surely didn't ask for the type of conditions we now find ourselves living in. His safety and mine is my number one concern, and knowing how unstable her ex is scares me to a degree. He is diagnosed bi-polar, is quick to anger and very unpredictable. Hence why his boys behave and act as they do some of the time. Her boys are 8 and 9, mine is 7. Very young, impressionable ages for childhood development. Thanks again.
I would simply tell her and
I would simply tell her and her boys to move out, it does not have to mean the relationship is over, but she needs a stable place for her and the boys where they can feel safe and comfortable, these kids has been through allot, therapy will be long and the only time they will get better is when there's not a adult male around them.
Asking her to move back out
Asking her to move back out is the obvious move. I had a son influenced by bad behaviour of step,siblings and it's since taken years for him to see how that learned behaviour was damaging to his life. You need to move quickly to protect your son.
The tricky part is how to get this crowd out gently. Sure you care about them and it will seem "mean" to dislodge them in the midst of a crisis.
I would say seize the opportunity now to give her notice since it's only been since July. The terms on which you agreed to co-habit (50/50 custody etc) have now changed drastically. I'm sure you did not go into this intending to be a crisis manager, but it does sound like you didn't see her AND her abusive ex situation as a risk to your son's stability. Is she living with you rent free...are you also supporting this crowd financially? All the more reason to cut them loose.
So many of us, post divorce, are just looking for good company and a happy life, certainly not to suddenly take on someone else's heavy baggage. You have not found this, and if your GF is cool with moving back out then you are lucky. Chances are she won't be, and you may have to lose the relationhip -- your son's well being must come first.
It sounds to me that you are
It sounds to me that you are dealing with this well and your SO is not dealing with well if at all.
You have a decision to make. Jeopardize your own son on the sacrificial alter of this relationship or.....
How old are all of the boys? Their ages do make a difference to the options you have in parenting and disciplining them. If her boys are old enough to emancipate then emancipate them whether it would be early or not.
If they are all younger then it may be time to sit your SO down for a firm heart to heart "come to Jesus" meeting and inform her what she will regarding her kids and if she chooses not to then they can all three move out.
There may be some middle ground to stand on but only you can determine that as y ou deal with this sitaution.
Good luck. Take care of your son, take care of you.
My SO is dealing with it as
My SO is dealing with it as best she can. She's taken initiative to put her boys in counseling, have them referred to a pediatrician and psychologist (in the case of the one with ADHD). It hasn't been an easy road the past 4 months.
Her boys are 8 and 9, mine is 7. They are all very close in age and I've assumed the role of parent and disciplinarian with them. Because their bio dad is such a negative example in their lives they don't take to discipline from a male very well.
I appreciate your suggestion for a 'come to Jesus' discussion with my GF. Thanks again.
I forgot to mention the age
I forgot to mention the age of the boys. Hers are 8 and 9, mine is 7. Young, impressionable ages in childhood development. With mine being the youngest he is most impressionable and looking to them as role models. This is an additional concern given their behaviours and influence.
Bail out. Now. If you want
Bail out. Now.
If you want to stay in the relationship, live separately. That can work.
But you have jumped into a roiling cauldron of tar that will stick to everything in your life like you can't believe. You would do well to rescue yourself and your kid immediately altogether.
Those of us who have been living step life longer than you have can tell you that you have much less power to save her kids than you think you do. You can only save yours.
GG nailed it "Sometimes, love
GG nailed it "Sometimes, love simply does NOT conquer all."
You are right to be worried about your kiddos so get on down the road ASAP.
Not only should you leave,
Not only should you leave, but be sure to do everything in your power to ensure that she doesn't get pregnant. The last thing you need is to have a child with that woman.
I was in a similar
I was in a similar situation...see my post. You never mentioned the parenting by your SO of her children...that is critical. You should discuss parenting and be explicit regarding behavior, consequences, etc...get on the same page. She needs to be in charge of her kids. If she fails to follow through then you need to get her and yourself into counseling or have her live somewhere else. You may maintain the relationship but to what end? Sounds like the two of you have very different parenting styles/values.