Sad attempt at Co Parenting
I really have no idea how to start this. I have a very strong dislike for my step children's mother. She is very shady and self centered. My step daughter is starting kindergarten and meet the teacher night is this week. I was just told about it today by my husband with what seemed like no invite towards me. So instead of asking if I could go and we find a babysitter for the rest of our crew (our twin girls, my step son and my daughter) I just said I would stay home with everyone else. Maybe I'm being petty since I waited for an invite and never got one but I constantly feel like I'm being used as a babysitter instead of being involved with the actual parenting process. It's draining me emotionally and we just had twin girls and my biological daughter is starting middle school so there is a lot going on right now.
To be fair coparenting is
To be fair coparenting is between the two divorced parents. What you're describing is step-parenting which is a whole different mess. Step-parenting is where you're a handy babysitter with zero parental privileges. Disengage and focus on your bios. Just don't bother going out of your way, she already has two parents.
Yup.... the two bio parents
Yup.... the two bio parents parent and I am support for my husband. Only thing I ask for is to have dates ran by me before agreeing with BM or monies (if it affects me).
Focus on your bios and your relationship with your husband. Once I stopped worrying about my husband and his relationship with his kids step life became easier for me.
From a positive Pollyana
From a positive Pollyana perspective I say let him know you want to attend because you care about your stepchild's education and you and he should both be involved in raising her since you are now his wife and life partner. From a negative, but, more realistic based on mine and so many others' experiences, I say, who cares what kind of education she gets? She's not your daughter and DH probably doesn't want/care about your opinions regarding his and BM's perfect angel princess daughter. Pick whichever option you feel best suits you and DH's situation.
From a positive Pollyana
From a positive Pollyana perspective I say let him know you want to attend because you care about your stepchild's education and you and he should both be involved in raising her since you are now his wife and life partner. From a negative, but, more realistic based on mine and so many others' experiences, I say, who cares what kind of education she gets? She's not your daughter and DH probably doesn't want/care about your opinions regarding his and BM's perfect angel princess daughter. Pick whichever option you feel best suits you and DH's situation.
I get where you are coming
I get where you are coming from. You want to be in a reationship where you and your husband are partners in everything involving your family. It seems like you are being left out of the parenting process and he and his ex are acting as a unit when it comes to their kid. Why be in a marriage where he has this whole family and relationship seemingly behind your back, and you are just asked to babysit.
Idk if that's a valid way to feel or not, but i would feel the same. If i figure out a way to handle it i'll let you know. So far, it just seems like one of those sh!t sandwiches step parents have to eat over and over and either act like they like it or be seen as jealous and controlling. The "other woman" always lurking in the shadows of your relationship. I'm currently in therapy to see if i'm just crazy to feel that way.
I feel like I need to go to
I feel like I need to go to therapy as well. I want to be involved and was told by both of them that I would be. I have been involved with preschool but now I don't know. I just feel like I'm being taken advantage of.
One thing the therapist has
One thing the therapist has told me is to make my feelings and needs known, nicely, at the time things come up. By saying that you would stay home and watch the kids, you said what you thought your DH wanted to hear instead of wjat you truly felt. You are upset about it, and that can grow into resentment and boil over into something more. If you want to go, you should tell him you want to go. You are a parent in your household. If that means finding a sitter or bringing the whole crew (and people do show up with a handful of kids), you should tell him you want to go. Not in an accusing way, but let him know that you want to be a full parent in your household (if that is what you want.)
In my heart of hearts I
In my heart of hearts I absolutely know this so right. Before I got married I was in an unbelievably abusive relationship where I was allowed to voice my opinion and if I did it ended in a fight that lasted days. I don't know how to voice my feelings. I don't know how to deal with disappointment or disappointing others. I believe I have serious ptsd. I know this issue is causing me to feel the way I do in my current relationship. My insecurities are also telling me he's going to cheat on me and try to get back with her even tho I know this also isn't true.
SParent attendance goes without saying IMHO.
I went to every PTC, school event, doctor's appointment, I dropped him off for SpermLand visitation flights and picked him up when he returned home from SpermLand visitations, etc.... I also did everything possible to protect my wife, my son and my marriage and family from toxic blended family oppostion bullshit. They played nice or they realized every consequence my wife and I could bring to bear. SS was fully knowledgeable of their manipulative crap and every fact associated with their bullshit... in an age appropriate manner. That he knew every one of the sordid details of their crap pissed them off to no end. As he got older, they became progressively less able to perpetrate their crap against him and ever decreasing influence over him.
Yes, many attempt to force the definition of co-parenting to mean that disparate former failed relationship partner breeding Xs are the ones who are to cooperate in parenting. I get that naive definition of co-parenting.
IMHO in reality it is spouses in blended families that are the co-parents to any children in the home and family regardless of kid biology. The X, particularly an X who cannot be reasonable, gets no consideration at all in the parenting of a Skid. That parent is responsible for the Skids and parenting them as they wish when they have the Skids. Beyond that... they don't matter. The continual fallacy of giving a toxic, unreasonable, manipulative, intolerable X any place in parenting outside of their own domain is Idiocy IMHO. If anything, parenting needs to include clarity and facts that give the Skids a clear picture of what the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool is perpetrating.
If the X is reasonable, a quality parent and will work with their former partner in jointly parenting their shared BKs, great. If not..... so be it, saddle up and get ready for the life long campaign of protecting Skids from that unfortunate portion of their parentage.
True equity life partners are equity parents to any children in their home and are also partners in keeping the lid on the privy that a toxic X or broader blended family opposition represent.
IMHO of course.
The SpermClan knew this and lived this fully because they were too stupid to comprehend that their crap would not be tolerated and anything they tried would have an extremely painful result for them. My DW and I made sure of that and also made sure that our home and family was both a safe haven for SS and a place where he was held fully accountable for his choices.
As it turned out, he absolutely thrived as a kid and is thriving as an adult in spite of the toxic influences of so many in the SpermClan.
I do not support alienating an opposition parent or the blended family opposition. We made sure out son spoke of his SpermClan respectfully and we made sure he knew that it was okay to love them and that he should love them in spite of their toxic naivete and ridiculous bullshit.
To this day he does have a relationship with them though it is extremely limited and entirely on his terms. He loves them but has zero respect for them. His own experiences with them and his knowledge of their multigenerational toxic crap equips him to protect himself from them.
If the opposition parent is reasonable and will work with their X then great. If not... it is up to the equity life partners to put and keep that POS opposition parent in their place.
IMHO of course.
Besides, it is far more fun to work together as a team in confronting life's challenges and destroying a toxic X than it is to stand back and watch our partner struggle with an X and tolerating that X to interfere in our own lives and blended families.