Conduct with the Ex
My girlfriend has a daughter (6 years old) and left her ex-boyfriend who she had the child with 3 years ago. Her ex-bf is now married with multiple kids/step kids. She has dated since. We've been together a little more than a year. At times her conduct i feel with her ex-bf is weird. The child never asks to do anything amongst the 3 of them, or to take pictures together, but my gf does. They go trick or treating together, take pics together on the childs birthday, they probably text every other day regarding schedules or co-parenting or what not, they come over one anothers house to pick the child up etc. I know she's trying to keep the peace but at times im uncomfortable with the amount of talk and also the need to do things together. If the child went out for a sport, i feel like the 3 of them would be the priority to attend and not myself and the step mom as well. Its just a bit odd to me.
Well..
I just went back and quickly browsed through your other posts and all of them seem to be saying the same things as this. Your gf of a year puts a lot of her resources into her 6 year old daughter and you feel uncomfortable that those resources aren’t split more evenly between you and the child.
Honestly, my guy, maybe you need to talk to a therapist about these feelings you’re having. I agree that you have the right to feel loved and cherished in your relationship but you are upset that your gf and her ex do visitation exchanges at each other’s house. You want people to call it unreasonable that a 6 year old is up her mom’s butt for attention. Six year olds are black hole sponges for attention.
I suggest some serious introspection. Untangle exactly what’s bothering you, what can change to make you feel more loved by your gf and then talk with her about it. If she is receptive then work with her to compromise and find harmony in your collective needs. If she is unwilling or unable then it’s probably best for everyone if you move on.
Thanks, i appreciate the
Thanks, i appreciate the thoughts. Yes i certainly dont mean to sound unreasonable there and pros and cons to some of these instances - for example i have no issue with them dropping the kid off stopping in their houses etc. but its a bit odd i would say when i am sitting in the car for 10+ minutes and they are inside doing what? I do realize kids strive for attention and know that, but when the child says Mommy look at me when i talk and the mother says yes im sorry because her and i had a conversation for a minute with the child present, it seems drastic.
I will untangle the things that i can say to her, and try to bring them up.
Matt, you seem like a
Matt, you seem like a reasonable guy. As a bioless SP, I'm going to just come out right now and cut through the BS and tell you to find a woman who is also bioless. You don't need to untangle anything. You need to find a woman who won't expect you to suck it up and take it for her failed relationship. She chose to have a child with this guy; you didn't chose that for her. Yet, I can tell you right now she is going to be expecting you to pay the price for her choice the rest of your life.
When one partner comes with children, while the other doesn't, it instantly creates a lopsided relationship. The one without children, will be expected to pretty much put up with anything "for the sake of the kid(s)." Now, it may or may not be for the sake of the kid(s), but because you are bioless, you won't have the best ability to judge. You have no children of your own that you can equally expect your partner to suck it up and take it for, so you will be doing about 75% of the giving, while she and her are doing about 75% of the taking.
And trust me, as a bioless SP myself, if you feel you are being treated like sloppy seconds, you are. No man or woman wants to hang out with a so-called partner who is in constant contact with a former ex-. It doesn't matter if it is BM or bio-dad. Parents need to communicate, but not 24/7. Partners, SOs and especially spouses are supposed to be communicating 24/7.
You deserve better than this. You deserve your chance for a typical, unemcumbered relationship, one where you and your partner are both child-free, and marry and go on to have kids of your own. She had her chance and chose to have a child with this man; you didn't. Yet, she, like so many other seperated parents, I'm sure, will anticipate that she gets to have her cake and eat it too, while you are supposed to settle for scraps. She won't put it that way, however. She'll just insinuate over and over and over that you "have to" do this for the sake of the kid(s). Do you want that the rest of your life?
What could they possibly be
What could they possibly be doing for 10mins from your SO walking in the door until returning to your car? How about pass down notes regarding the Skid and a brief review of next weeks schedule for the Skid?
Quit being so squirrely and sensitive to what is at worst perfectly reasonable interface between two former breeding partners addressing the coparenting of their shared spawn.
The Skid not being kept firmly in their place during adult conversations between you and your SO is absolutely a hill to die on in my opinion and you and BM both need to nip that shit in the bud immediately and consistently until the Skid gains clarity.
I don't think it's fair to
I don't think it's fair to you for your girlfriend to be spending so much time as a threesome with her ex and their daughter. If my SO starts playing happy family again with his ex, i'm out. Some people may be ok with it, but many would not. If you are not, don't compromise. Tell her how you feel and see what she does.
Its just odd she will say
Its just odd she will say well i still love him as a person bc we made a child together but thats a different love than the way she has for me. I find that odd. I'm divorced but i no longer love my ex-wife in any way shape or form. I get it you made a kid but move on, right? She is giong to therapy now which i think is mainly because she feels guilty she left her ex and she's giving the kid a 'bad life'. Meanwhile the kid has like 8 grandparents potentially 4 parents/step parents and gets more toys by age 6 then i've gotten in my lifetime. I'm supposed to wait and go with the flow will she goes through her sympathy cards for still harboring guilt for leaving their toxic relationship.
Yep, its odd.
Yep, its odd.
While I understand that every blended family and every set of Xs have their own dynamic, when it is odd it is one of those things you know when you see.
My DW had as close to zero contact with the Spermidiot as you can get after she booted his ass when he cheated on her with yet another 16yo when SS was not quite a year old. He was afraid of her... and rightly so. He knew she would broach no bullshit with him and he had to keep his shit straight or suffer. Their only contact was in court or in setting up visitation travel arrangements. Other than the periodic pathetic tear filled phone calls from the Spermidiot lamenting the loss of his family. To which my DW would laugh out loud and rub his nose in his idiot statutory rapist cheating episodes then ask him if he wanted to speak to the Skid.
She did back off periodically when they had been under their slime covered rock at the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene pool for an extended period. But... collectively the SpermClan was too stupid to recognize that they had to stay in line and stay reasonable so my bride had to come down on them again and again and again.
I would not tolerate my equity life partner playing happy family with her X and their kid. An X is an X for a reason and that temporary family ceased to exist when the split happened. There are any number of examples of CODs who get screwed up in the head when their divorced or otherwise split up BioParents naively give the impression that all is sunshine and roses between their split up parents. Enmeshment is a tragic and toxic voluntary and worse, conscious condition that destroys new relationships and most sadly, destroys kids. Better to just make the split, keep reality front and center in your head with all of this and put all of this and them behind you.
IMHO of course.
You sound REASONABLE. You
You sound REASONABLE. You want boundaries and there is NOTHING wrong with wanting that. When there are no boundaries, that is when things gets sticky. Bio parents should only be discussing the child. Not to put it in your head, but if they are discussing other things (personal lives, jobs, family, new partners, etc) it is inappropriate. Co-parenting does NOT mean being best friends. It is communicating CLEARLY. It doesn't involve 10 minute goodbyes at the exes house. It doesn't involve the ex texting about every single detail. The child has TWO homes and TWO families. It sounds like your GF is still trying to make the impression that THEY are one family. Things will never move forward with you if she is more interested in her "old" family. She may not be doing anything behind your back (emotional cheating, etc) but just take note that she should be seeing a future family with YOU, not the past. If she isn't up for it, move on. You CAN do better.
Yes i've tried to be very
Yes i've tried to be very reasonable through all of this, as it is all new to me - dating someone with a child. I've held a lot in and i've also held my own in the relationship better then i would ever have thought. The child has no boundaries. Often at my house she will tell the child - i might not want her jumping on the sofa...i say to my GF later, shouldn't we have the same rules? She does not want to tell the child No, especially in public she typically gets whatever she wants. Co-parenting - they text probaby ever other day about the kid or email in some form. The other day my GF tells her child after the child asked why Mommy and Daddy cant live together "we still love each other and we love you for having you out of love" WTF? I said you love him? She said in a different way but we had a child together...then states i dont get it. She is not affirmative with the child that they wont ever be together ever again and are not a happy family. It really is a fake relationship front shes making and trying to avoid telling the kid, although she has to put 2 and 2 together pretty much. I do not think she wants to be with the ex (whos married now) but nonetheless i feel she is not affirmative to state as such and state about our relationship as well.
Matt ~ I TOTALLY disagree that this is your issue!
Matt I totally disagree that this is your issue.
This is extremely odd behavior for your GF and her ex to spend so much time together. While drop off to each others houses is nice when people can be on friendly terms, going Trick-or Treating together and to any other event TOGETHER is not normal and NOT something you need to "suck up"! Take it from someone who gets along great with their ex, as soon as I was in a relationship I took that into consideration of how my new partner would feel.
Yes 6 year olds might need a lot of attention but they certainly do not need to be allowed to be horrible brats!! I to went back and read your posts after one of the writers here mentioned that they felt all of your posts were about being jealous of the child and the parents getting along. I don't think your posts read that way at all. You said you liked the little girl I doubt if you were jealous that would be the case. The situations that you do write about are valid reason for concern and many of us here have written similar things. I wonder if you are being judged so harshly because you are a man writing these things? Just pondering...
I think if your GF is moving on to have a relationship with you, then that relationship and your feelings are important as well. With that said this is only the beginning and you need to find out what your place is sooner than later. This situation is only destine to get worse and as many of us here have dealt with the craziness and baggage of our spouses past relationships can tell you. It would be much easier to cut your losses and move on early n the Relationship rather than later when you have kids together and you have a real attachment to her.
In my opinion it is very selfish and immature of her to expect you to sit back and watch while she carries on with her ex acting like they are still a family. I am very surprised his wife doesn't mind. Maybe she does do we know that? Take some time and think about what you want. Have a talk with her and find out where you stand and if it is not favorable, save yourself the heart ache and trouble and move on!!
Best to you!!
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Unless she made to change, Nothing is going to change
You can not have the ex in your life this way. I to would be " jealous ", upset, with my GF playing happy family with the ex the one she had a sexual relationship with. Matter of fact I was. I told her it's not going to be that way. She could either play happy family with the ex " for the kids" or be with me. She can't have it both ways.
Relationship Over
Thanks for the response and your thoughts. Unfortunately, my relationship with my GF is over. This was the 2nd time we tried to make it work. No matter what approach i took, holding my own , not speaking up, letting the nonsense behaviors go - it was never enough. I guess the partner she needs in life is one who agrees with 100% of her parenting and does not budge on anything else.
I'm not a parent or step parent but the happy family-ness with the ex, the cocentric behavior with the child were way too much to handle. How was one supposed to live? On the edge of their seat to see what to do next. Even at our best it was still all about the child as i guess she felt she had to make time up and guilt for splitting up their family. I thought she was worth it with her kind heart and pretty self, but it was so stressful. Coincidenty she ended the relationship, stating we couldn't work out, we are too different and i am too knitpicky. The latter eats away at me bc i am the one who held his own, held my ground for months after the discussions when i brought up about the kid, went no where. I could never tell her what to do or how to parent nor would she ever agree. She set no boundaries for the child in my home and the child too advantage. I was too kind to yell at the child ever. I was too kind to sit down with my GF as i overlooked the issues to try to appease her and thinking that we could work in the end if we were at our best. It is sad, as i loved her and her daughter and most likely wont be seeing them. I've never been in a scenario where not only a relationship ends but one where it ends with a child involved. I have my own validation of how this couldnt work and i know i did my best, it just eats away at me with her stating it is my fault bc i couldnt accept her lifestyle when i bent over backward for her. I dont know how a BF or partner is supposed to go along with the flow of every aspect of her relationship with the child. The constant convos with the ex, the time always spent with the child and never me, the insecurity with her pictures of social media bc shes obsessed with the child, the sleeping situation where a 6 yr old sleeps with mommy 5/7 nights a week, the monetary aspects spending all the money on a child but never on me or us so on and so forth. I should have been the one to walk away, i guess she will not understand or change, or she has to find someone who can sit back accept her life and not comment.
Thank you all for your time and thoughts it was helpful and appreciated
Take care of you and live
Take care of you and live well. Living well is the best revenge and the best path forward for yourself.
I didnt reply to your
I didnt reply to your original post, but I was reading along. Just wanted to give you another lift up that you may be struggling now and it's going to be very hard, stressful and emotional for a while, but you WILL get through it and be better off on the other side. I'm now almost 3 months out of a relationship and over the last few weeks have finally found myself and am SOOO much happier for it! I have zero stress now, I do what I want, when I want and with who I want and dont have to worry about anything. I put myself and my happiness first and dont have to worry about competing with anyone else and overall, I am HAPPY being single!
Do whatever you need to do to grieve the relationship and get yourself through it and just know that it is so much better on the other side and you are worth more than that kind of treatment!
Thank You
I appreciate the kind words, during this hard time. Yes it is not easy, especially since this is the first relationship I am ending that involves 2 people - my partner and then now her child. It is sad at times, relieving at others. I knew this behavior did not seem normal at all. It became difficult as with a heavy heart i tried to carry on rather than walk away when i should have known these changes were going for the better.
Yes i agree very important to place the emphasis on yourself first in a relationship in regard to happiness. Hopefully i find the true person who can make me happy in return.
Best of luck to you. There's
Best of luck to you. There's only so much a person can put up with for love. Staying would only prolong the inevitable.