Bedbugs/lice
My SS has a BM whose home is infested with lice and bed bugs, which means that every time he comes over to our home, he brings them along too and I simply cannot take it anymore. I can no longer have my grandchildren or natural children over because of the infestation. Its disgusting. From now on, when he comes over he has to shower and wash all of his belongings, then steam clean his mattresses. I'm not trying to be cruel but I can't allow it to affect everyone else who lives here, and its a health issue. He doesn't bring any clean clothes with him when he comes, not even clean underwear and I just bought him a pack, he doesn't brush his teeth or bath most of the time, unless you constantly remind him. He's 14 years old and has zero responsibility, no chores, nothing and my husband seems fine with that. I, however, am miserable. It has gotten to the point where I no longer want anything to do with my SS and I have done a lot for him, believe me, I have tried. I homeschooled him for 2 years even though his mother did not help at all. We co-parent so she has him one week and we have him one week. His BM has kept us in court on bogus charges and kept my husband away from his son for 2 years. I stood up for him in court, filed numerous CPS cases against the BM, yet nothing has changed. She has a felony child abuse charge and still they do nothing to her or to help the kids. I've had photo documentation from my SS of the living conditions and they are horrendous, holes in the bathroom with oppossums coming in, crap everywhere, still sleeping with his mom at age 14 and I could go on. It has gotten so bad, my marriage is suffering. Do I give my husband an ultimatum, and is that fair? I don't want my SS to feel unwelcome but I can't go on like this either or I will lose my mind and myself. I simply cannot do that. I feel trapped, helpless and voiceless.
Questions, questions...
So is your husband OK with him never bringing a change of clothes, bringing lice and bed bugs and filth into your home? Why does your husband not love his son enough to help him grow up to be a decent human being - that's his job, after all. Is there a court order for visitation? If so, how did BM manage to keep his son away for 2 years without being slapped with a contempt motion?
What I would do is to move out, find myself a nice little place to live and leave your husband to take care of his son. You can continue to see your husband, remain married without actually living together. I could feel my skin crawl and was horrified when I read your post so I imagine you are WAY beyond that point. Time to put yourself, your wellbeing and your sanity first. The added bonus is that you'd be able to have your children and grandchildren over without worrying about the creepy-crawlies, the filth and the smell.
Your DH should be ashamed of himself.
EVERYTHING Winterglow said!
OMG I need a shower & steam cleaner after reading OP's post. That is no way to live. I could not do it!
If your DH. WAS
A good Husband. And a good parent .....he would come up with a solution to this problem. Have SS go some place and shower. Chahge his clothes before he comes into your home. What is he doing, bringing bed bugs and lice into your home every week I really hope you have a exterminator on speed dial ..
.Could be this is the time to make a exit plan
I couldn't live that way, so
I couldn't live that way, so I would fully support living apart from your husband until his son launches. Do you own or rent, and if you own, is the house in both names?
Fair?
Is it fair to you that your kids and grands can't come over for fear of parasitic infestation? No, no it is not fair. And your lazy ass husband is 100% at fault. It is up to HIM to find a viable solution to prevent infestation at your home since it is HIS kid. Also, he needs to man up and parent his kid when it comes to hygiene. Freakin nasty.
I have dealt with Lice, and
I have dealt with Lice, and just assumed to treat the kids as if they would bring in anything else whether it be bedbugs, roaches or any other parasite/filth etc.
You have to come up with a strategy/plan with your husband. I know your ss is 14 but hes still a kid, I am sure hes had a traumatic life with the BM if all this is going on... it is not his fault what his mom chooses to live like or live in. I know your frustration I've been here.
I would not bring any items in when SS comes to visit and would not allow SS to bring in any items when he comes into home. It will be hard adjustment at first but it is only way to solve this if you want to take rid of some of this stress and have your grandchildren over.
I set up a small area on our porch, we have a large front porch but you can also do this if you have a small setting.
I set up 4 T post and used pvc pipe... I made a circle kind of like a standup shower and had shower curtains go all the way round... the kids strip down when they come back from visits I let their clothes/shoes stay outside for up to 3 days, throw them in a small grocery tote and run them into a hot wash cycle and hot dry high heat. I take them straight to the shower when they come home.. "Your husband can do this for his son since hes a boy" have him treat his head for the parasites and make sure he scrubs himself down really good and tends to the leftover nits/lice with a pic comb and pick out the rest.
My life as a stepparent has been very hard... very difficult but my husband meets me halfway now. and I remember little children are involved.. 11, and 9.. they can't help what has been thrown at them.
She has a felony child abuse
She has a felony child abuse charge
Charge or conviction?
Your DH needs to address the sleeping arraignments.
Your DH needs to address the sleeping arraignments. No 14 year old boy should be sleeping with his mother. At 14, he is old enough to understand this and DH should give him the tools so he can address it with his mother himself.
In this situation, I would
In this situation, I would seek full custody of my child and limit the BM to day visits - not going to back to her house. OR I would seek finanical remedy from the BM for the cost to eradicate the bed bugs and the lice treatments.
If you're not going that route, I would insist that SS strip in the garage or basement and go straight for the shower to scrub his body and do a lice treatment on his head. All of his belongings (shoes, backpacks, etc) would go into a very hot dryer as long as it takes to kill any critters.
Even better, have a wardrobe and all items he might need in duplicate at your place: shoes, underwear, clothes. All his stuff goes into a plastic bag sealed up and left outside.
This is horrible - what a disgusting BM.
That insect farm would not enter my home if I was you.
DH can keep his infested progeny away unless he and all of his belingings have been fumigated and cleaned.
My SS had a bedbug infestation at his apartment. His downstairs neighbors were an elderly couple whose furniture was crawling with bedbugs. Apartment companies being apartment companies, the management company would not evict and when they did treat, the would only treat the primary infestation in the apartment below SS. When downstairs was treated, the bugs ran to all of the apartnments that shared walls with the infested unit.
It started to effect SS's physical health, mental health, work, etc... HIs mom and I paid for him to move to an extended stay hotel for the last 6mos he was at that duty station. He threw away all of his furniture, and much of his clothing, moved all of his belongings to a non climate controlled storage facility that cooked in the sun all that summer, and put space heaters in the storage unit and had them on 24/7. He had a thermometer in the unit that showed daytime inside temps periodically over 130*F+. No blood to suck, and high temps took care of SS's issues with bedbugs.
Lice and fleas can be treated with insecticides. Begbugs generally can only be exterminated with high temparatures.