Worried
DH has changed. He's tried to see SD and she's made it clear she doesn't want to see him. He's done the court thing , he's pleaded with BM - who says it's up to sd if she wants to see her DH.
We have had rows because he knows I'm the reason sd refuses contact. She wasn't happy we were getting married , refused to go to the wedding etc. He writes to her every week , texts her, sends present via his mum - sd still sees his family because they all pander to her and dare not challenge her decision for her not to see DH in case she gives them the same treatment.
Anyway long story short sd told DH's mum (my mother in law) she will never see him again, she doesn't know why but she just doesn't want to see him. She's only in year 8 of high school and is allowed to make these decisions. The court said that they couldn't force her because it's the child's right to see their parent not the parents right and if it causes her upset then that's that.
DH I think is finally coming to realise that she doesn't want a relationship. He won't admit it's because she's insanely jealous that he's with me and said he can't accept that. He keeps saying it must be parent alienation and her mum must be making her feel bad about seeing him. To be honest I am not bm's biggest fan but in her defence I've seen situations in the past where sd was demanding lifts go our house to pick up things on days not scheduled and at first BM resisted then caved in because sd throws a wobbler. I've also overheard sd on the phone and BM trying to be positive about her being at ours but ultimately she won't force her to do anything. It's apparent she doesn't like me she blocked me on her phone etc.
now the realisation has kicked in DH has changed. I think he resents me and knows deep down if he had not hsvd met me he'd still have his little girl. He's moody constantly, snaps at my children and pulls them up on everything. It's like he doesn't want to be here. He left for briefly because he was saying he was unhappy about really petty things (because he won't ever say it's because of sd ). He came bk and things slowly deteriorating again.
even if he leaves im not sure she would want anything to do with him but maybe it's a risk he's willing to take,
im so sad with all this. I went into this thinking we would all come together. I always tried to include her. Sd isn't even here and is ruining our marriage.
anyone been through this??
Yep, been thru this.
Yep, been thru this. Eventually he will realize that he needs to live his life for himself. The reality is if he keeps chasing her, he will lose you, and never have another relationship because it really isn't about you specifically, any woman DH is married to will get this treatment.
He needs therapy. With a male therapist who will help him find his balls again. whatever you do, don't fall for this fantasy built up in his head. It's not your fault. You are dealing with dysfunction. A child that has been given WAY too much power and is now drunk with that power. My OSD told my DH when she was 16 that he wouldn't walk her down the aisle at her wedding if he stayed with me. We are celebrating 18 years this month. It comes up every once in awhile but he is consistent in answering he made the right "choice". In our case it came from BM. Who at 16 is thinking about her wedding? Anyways, he will need to come to terms with the realty that his daughter is a brat, that there is no changing that anytime soon and that if he doesn't realize what he has with you, he will be a lonely old man.
Our therapist told my DH to Love the one you're with. ( that old song). You give what you get. 3 of the 4 are alienated, the youngest , now 23, is still in contact. It took some time but DH realized that BM started her campaign against him the day they were born and all thru their 15 year marriage. He never had a chance.
it always bugged me, this demand from a child to eliminate adults in their life. When they are old enough to date and start bringing them around, they wouldn't dare accept the same treatment from the parent. That's how you know its dysfunctional. It just makes no damn sense. Adults are the ones in charge. They pay the bills. They work. They get to decide who to marry. That's the joy of being an adult. Handing that over to mini tyrants is ridiculous IMO.
Thank you - it's a good point
Thank you - it's a good point that SDs will eventually want to bring a partner round and will want them to be accepted.
I think what makes it difficult for my DH to move on is his mum still sees sd and they have a really nice relationship. Everytime the MIL sees us she goes on and on about sd , what they have been up to and how she's growing up. It's insensitive and wives me up but DH doesn't get that none of this is normal. I'm the bad guy if I point it out.
Did your SD cut off any other of DH's family or did she stay in touch?
Why isn't MIL defending DH to
Why isn't MIL defending DH to SDs?? Because deep down she knows she would be shunned too. DH needs to put a stop to that with MIL. SD is using MIL to cause pain. You all are being used and played by SD to cause pain. Dysfunction.
OSD moved out west last year , she is 27 now. Has nothing to do with us. She attacked him at 16, broke his shoulder. She was texting with BM, got sassy and he took her phone away . BM rewarded her with a summer adventure. She kept up with the in-laws somewhat but definitely preferred BM's side of the family.
There's a book Divorce Poison, it's about parent alienation. In it , it's mentioned that family members should talk positively about the alienated parent to the kid. Reminding them that they are a good person. That didn't happen in our situation. It's a shame it didn't, they were running scared, afraid to lose contact.
There's something really wrong when adults are being ruled by a kid calling the shots.
My SS, the Lying Ingrate,
My SS, the Lying Ingrate, does keep in touch with MIL somewhat. I think it's mostly her calling him though, because she just sits in her room at the nursing home, calling everyone she can think of, to tell them how lonesome she is, how she hates it there, how she wishes she could go home, or live with somebody.
She doesn't really talk to DH about him though. Not much. She did tell him one time about how SS said if DH came to his house, he'd talk to him. She's learned to mostly keep her mouth shut about him. She learned when we cut off DH's younger nephew, and DH finally got tired of her badgering him about "you have to forgive family", " he's family, family should stick together", and other such things. He finally got tired of hearing it and told her he didn't want to hear it anymore. He was upfront about not wanting to discuss it with her whenever we cut off SS and his wife the She-Devil.
His oldest nephew needs to be told to butt out now. He has badgered DH about talking to Lying Ingrate SS too, accusing us of holding a grudge over nothing. Your husband just needs to tell his mother to knock it off. It is not your fault that SD chooses not to come around and it is not my fault that SS isn't in our lives. SS's lying and his wife's lying, not admitting to any wrongdoing, not apologizing, and continuing the same behaviors are the reason we don't speak to them. Your SD would most likely behave this way even if you left the picture and he married someone like BM. SD just wants Daddy all to herself, which is sick if you want to know the truth about it. It's the same as these husbands who are mama's boys, whose mothers just won't let go, and they continually interfere in their sons marriage.
Not being on common ground
Not being on common ground about kids....let alone step kids .... can totally be a relationship killer.
Im sorry but your husband is wrong.
When you marry, your spouse comes first as y'all work together as a team to lead the children.
If she doesn't want to come over or have a relationship with him because he chose to marry you then so be it!!! Otherwise his kids can manipulate the hell out of him and cold shoulder him on EVERY choice he makes and at that point he may as well just be a puppet and let his kids who don't pay any bills run his life.
If not having a relationship with his daughter really bothers him then he can attend therapy or leave and go let his kids control him as a single man.
Thanks everyone. At first he
Thanks everyone. At first he realised his mum was out of order. She sees sd a few times a week every week, and never once has she said enough is enough you need to sort this out with your dad he's a good dad etc. he asked her why and she even said because she won't risk being rejected by her and doesn't want her to run back to BM. My DH has done a u turn on this. He now says any grandparent would do the same (I disagree ) and that he's lost his daughter he can't risk losing his mum too. I just think ML thinks her relationship is far more important than that between a dad and his daughter. It makes me really angry and I find it difficult when he's playing happy families with his mum like this is normal. If I say anything he snaps at me and we have a huge row. So now I don't.
Cut him off. I mean from
Cut him off. I mean from everything you offer as a wife. Can you move him out if the bedroom into another room? This is serious. He has forsaken you. I posted above and I was separated from my DH for 18 months before he realized his life was more important than chasing skids that would grow up and leave him (as they should) more important than being BM's puppet. This is a crisis point IMO. We are celebrating 16 years married next week. We got thru it and all the nonsense.
MIL doesn't feel like getting
He's getting mad at you when you bring up reasonable concerns because he doesn't want to be held accountable and he doesn't think you are the authority of his kids/parenting choices.
MIL doesn't feel like getting involved and I can't blame her. Grandmas house is supposed to be even more fun and stress free than parents house.
Besides telling her grown son to gather his balls and lead his household like most normal previously divorced husbands, there isn't much she can do. And if she did try to intervene he probably wouldn't listen.
He needs a professional family therapist to help him sort this out.