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Unsure of what to do.

Aiyalia's picture

I am engaged to a man whom I have a 1 yr old son with. Fiance has a 5 yr old daughter. Before I even had my own son, I had absolutely adored the girl, who was 3 yrs old when I first met her. Her mother is a total b*tch who had abandoned her daughter for 3 months, until she found out about me. She started taking her daughter again for a few days every week because a judge had demanded it. Then the girl's behavior started getting bad. Flash forward two years, and the girl's behavior hasn't gotten much better. No thanks to her mother neglecting her half the time when the girl stays with her. Another factor in the girl's behavior is her grandparents spoiling and babying her. Mainly her grandfather, who constantly buys her toys, literally every week. Another example, say if she falls from running ON THE CARPET inside the house, she will still start crying loudly like a baby, in which one of the grandparents (mainly grandmother) will pick her up and cuddle her in their arms while sweet talking her as if she was a damn 2 yr old. It drives me up a wall. Lately, I have been at my wits end and getting way more frustrated with fiance's daughter than normal, which is causing problems between my fiance and I. He is constantly defending her, and it makes me mad.

He and I both agreed a long time ago that kids come first. Now, I am having serious doubts if getting married is a good idea. And it's looking more and more like I should just take my son and move.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Kids do not come first. The relationship comes first, and it does so because if the kids are a product of a healthy happy relationship then problems like the above are more easily dealt with when they arise as both parents love and respect each other and are on the same page. Ultimately in nurturing your relationship with each other, you are nurturing your children.

I do understand your frustration here, but, be aware of what you are marrying into, because you cannot change this entire family, and unless your fiance' is prepared to stand up to his parents about spoiling the child, and unless your fiance' is prepared to recognise that his daughters behaviour is inappropriate and needs addressing then you would be best to wait a while before marrying. Wait until at least the two of you can agree on a set of house rules and behaviours that you can both live with from all the kids, and both of you need to enforce these rules..But most importantly if one or both of you thinks the kids come first, one day the relationship will end, start to look after your relationship, happy parents, happy kids, better behaviour all round.

Aiyalia's picture

It's pretty much me having to enforce the rules, which in itself is exhausting. Fiance works graveyard shifts, and sleeps during the day. Leaving me to watch both kids (well, our son I watch 24/7, his daughter just until Thursdays when she goes to her moms and comes back Sunday/Monday). But regardless, she has a horrible listening problem. I am always scolded by him or his parents when I raise my voice at her when she doesn't listen, but even just trying to tell her normally to do something doesn't even work. She just starts wailing and crying. I am at the point where I want nothing to do with her. She is always at her worse when she comes back from her mother's..

emotionaly beat up's picture

Yep get it. But unless your fiance' does something about this and changes his attitude towards this, it is not going to change. You are being left to care for two kids and that is exhausting, but instead of you getting support, the child is getting it. Not Fair. I respectfully suggest you make sure that situation changes before you decided to marry. I take care of my two grandchildren 4 and 2 for 4 hours 3 times a week and the youngest is one of those who fails to listen I know how frustrating that can be. Difference is, he's MY blood grandchild, if he wasnt' if he was a step child, it is always harder. If your son was the one who wasn't listening you would not feel it so badly, it is just hard because you cannot love a stepchild as your own, no one can, you are not bonded the same way and she has her own mother. However, that is not your problem, your problem is fiance supporting and defending her whilst failing to support you. You need to sort that problem out, if you sort that out, the other problem will take care of itself. He needs to support you where his parents are concerened too. Do not marry until you resolve this.

smurf99's picture

Bloody hell I have to admire u got sticking with it you've certainly got me thinking!!! Sd8 is a nightmare will hug virtual strangers for attention as her bm has basically abandoned her!! I'm thinking of walking away as the constant demand for attention is driving me mad!!!