Trying to reconnect with my step son
My Fiance and I have been together since 2005. His son lives with 70% of the time. ss has been diagnosed with mild ADD/Receptive delays.
We have had problems with bm since the beginning. She only started to come around once her ex was living with me. Anyhow, we have had so much happen in our (fiance and I) lives because of bm. We had gone to court for more time with my ss. BM used this as a chance to attack me, saying I was a bad sm. I was very upset and embarrassed at having to ask my ex and friends for character references for the court showing them I was nothing like what bm tried to set out. Thankfully the Judge saw that bm's only problems was accepting her ex moving on. Needless to say, the hurt had been done, and I still harbour resentment towards her for this.
Regardless, she is not a person of common sense. The problem has now come between my ss and I. I know my ss is not her and not responsible for her actions, but what bothers me so much is how infantile my ss is and knowing that bm gives in to it. I'm frustrated at trying to help my ss with his schooling, becoming independent (the teachers all want my ss to be independent as he is very much still needing 1 on 1 attention at school). I feel frustrated as bm does not do any of the recommendations given to us to help my ss, and I have all but given up and feel like there is no use anymore. My ss seems to show like we (his bd and I) are the "tough" parents and since being with mom is like being at Disneyland - why wouldn't he.
There's so much to my story, but long postings are hard to read. What I need help with is how to not connect BM to my step son? My ss and I were very close at the beginning and for the first few years even when bm was coming regular to get him for his visits. But it's to the point that I don't' want to spend time with him because I just get annoyed at the site of him. I tell myself each and every day that he is not her, he is only a child (although he is 12 he acts like 6 with baby talking, has no initiative to do anything, after 2 years of putting away dishes he still asks constantly "where does this go". He is very laid back kinda lazy except when it benefits him (packing for vacation!). I have even said to my fiance that I'd prefer him to move out with his son and I'll date him until my ss is of age - this is insane!. When I look at my step son, I see all the problems that have happend the past 4 year. To me he is a visual representation of it. SS seems to think about bm first before we are ever a consideration (school projects, never think of bd or I for anything).
Does anyone have any advice? counselling is not an option as bm has to give consent and I don't want her anymore involved in my life then she already is!
Its not insane. There are
Its not insane. There are others who have lived separately until skids are old enough to move out. You know what you can handle. Don't lie to yourself about it.
I do the same thing with SD, she reminds me so much of BM its really annoying.
Berrysweet, First thanks for
Berrysweet,
First thanks for the comments on my post about my bd. You made some points I had not taken into consideration and I appreciate that! Secondly, its just nice to have someone else say "hey I know what you are dealing with."
That being said, hey! I know what you are dealing with! I hope i have some helpful insight as I am also a special ed teacher specializing in ADD/ADHD. First off stand your ground. House rules are house rules and you and your husband should set 2 or 3 very clear rules (more can come later) and review them with your ss TOGETHER. Your ss needs to see that you and your husband are a united front. I would oreo cookie it, lol, and by that I mean, something nice, then a rule, and then something nice.
Ex: Thank you Joey so much for sitting down and talking to us, I can tell that you are respecting the fact that we want to talk to you. One of our rules in the house is, when either your dad or I are asking you to do something, you do so without complaint. That shows us that you are the responsible young man we both know you are.
Then I would try to reinforce EVERY SINGLE positive behavior you can. And make sure you are the one reinforcing it. Whether its verbally (Great job Joey! Wow!!!) tangibly (Hey you did so great doing your homework with me, how about we play a game together now?)or emotionally (Joey, when you talk to me with a nice voice like that it makes me feel so good inside, those moments make me proud of you!)For every negative make sure there are 3 positives. It takes them a while but they learn that we recognize the good things too. And when i say overdue it in the beginning I mean overdue it! Nice job sitting at the table Joey! Wow I only had to call you 4 times intead of 7 this time, great progress!
Whatever you do, don't move out! That only shows your ss that #1 he is in control of your relationship with his father #2 you don't care about him as much as you say you do, because you went away just like his BM did. If your in this, you are in it for the long haul!
Here is something I say to my kids both step and bio all the time. "I know when you go to your other parents house its so much fun, and sometimes its hard on me too, to be the one who makes sure you learn how to grow up, learns right from wrong, does homework and all of that "not so fun stuff" But I know that one day when you grow up and have a job, and a place of your own and you can handle it all, that it will be because I did the "not so fun stuff" for you now.
That seems to help them understand that I don't like it any more than they do sometimes, but we'll get through it together!
Hope this helped! If you need anything or just to vent let me know!
Kelly
Thanks all for commenting.
Thanks all for commenting. It just feels nice knowing I'm not alone in my feelings.
Thanks Kelly - I appreciate all you wrote!