totally off topic of what I am normally here for but I need some advice on MY ex and my current SO
To make a long story short regarding my ex and myself.... we have been divorced since 2001. There are some wounds that still have not been forgotten nor have they been delt with. I have owned all my wrongs and I have come to grips with the things I did to contribute to the breakdown of my marriage. Sadly even with blended family counseling my ex has not owned a single thing. Nor has he delt with the feelings that came with all the hurt we both experienced. And because of that our relationship in dealing with our children has suffered. As well as a few other things in regards to both of our personal lives. Because of Anger that has not been delt with on his side he can be very vindictive with me. For example on thanksgiving our son had asked if he could see both parents and not be split from us. We live 30 miles from each other. So we agreed. BUT Thanksgiving was his day so I had to come pick my son up (if I wanted time with him) and I had to do the dropping off. We agreed at Christmas we would also do this meaning my ex would come get our son and bring him back. I was given 2 hours with my son on Thanksgiving (which is fine I got to see him) and I felt this was a great step in a new direction of being able to share the kids without the he is "mine" factor involved. Christmas rolls around and we are 45 miles away my ex starts calling at 2pm wanting to know when he will see his son. We had already agreed on a time which was 4pm. AND I was even nice enough to take my son to my ex with the understanding he would bring him back to us within the 2 hour time limit. So 2 hours goes by and my son is not back. I call them. My ex says, "yea we just aren't ready to go yet" if you want him you will have to come get him. I am not freaking out because he isn't back within the 2 hours I'm freaking out because on turkey day I did what we agreed and I know what would have happened if I didn't. We would have never been able to do that again. But yet he won't follow the same limits we set? WHY? AND another one that just angers me is I'm not "allowed" to take my son to get a haircut. I did it one time and came home to a nasty message on my answering machine about taking him to get his haircut THEN when my son went back to his dads HE took him and shaved off his hair.
So that is just a taste of what he does out of anger towards me regarding my son. I have been trying to deal with this for 10 years.
So to the reason why I'm posting. My current SO runs in a circle where he knows my ex (there are 4 communities about 30 miles from each other) and because of that circle we are often invited to the same things my ex is attending. If there is alcohol I do not go. Because I don't want to take a chance of ruining somebody's big day because there is alcohol and anger feelings going around. We have a big wedding this summer for some mutual friends. My SO has been this guy's friend since they were in grade school. My ex has been this guys "party" buddy for about ten years. I don't know what to do. My son told me that by the conversations he has overheard his dad and his GF having there will be lots of alcohol and no plan on controling ones mouth. I am not a drinker. I like to dance and have fun and I would like to attend with my SO. But fear there would be drama.
Here is my other issue I am struggling with BUT trying to be understanding and ok with. My SO does a sporting activity that my ex is also involved with. So once a week my SO is usually engaged in that with my ex. Pal'n it up, laughing having a great time. All the while I am getting shooting glares. Daggers you name it. In the middle of the week I'm getting emails that are rude and disrespectful etc. I do not reply to them. I also have had to block the ex from texting me because he would try to text fight over the stupidist shit. So he is blocked now. I guess what I am struggling with is how can my SO "pal" around with somebody who has such little regard for respect for me. Who openly bad mouths me and makes life as complicated as he can when it comes to anything regarding our son. I'm talking just anything and everything. I am growing tired of it and for the past 5 years I have just done what ever was in the best interest of our son. I know I have just laid down and let him walk all over me but I just think some things aren't worth the fight. When my SO ex is degrading him or bad mouthing him or doing things on purpose to make things difficult with kids I stand behind him. I don't run and hug her and shake her hand and lets go shopping together. I am not mean to her. I do not get in the middle but I surely don't friend her either.
Anybody tell me how to deal with this "friendship" I wouldn't have an issue IF my ex and I were on better terms. BUT because of all the bitterness and anger he has I am bothered by this. I don't think he will poison SO against me or anything like that I am just uncomfortable with all of it.
And please before you reply just know that I have owned all my dirt regarding my marriage. I am at peace with things. I took the blended family counseling and I have healed. I harbor no anger regarding our past. I harbor no "feelings" for my ex. I do not want him. I am not bad mouthing him or his GF. I just am seeking advice on how to handle these situations with grace and respect for all involved. That's it.
How do I get past this? Do I? Am I being selfish?
IMO your SO should be more
IMO your SO should be more loyal to you. MY SO and exH were friends before we got together. When SO and I started dating and he saw the way exH behaved towards me, he dropped him like a rock. He said aside from the loyalty thing and not wanting to be friends with someone who treated me so badly, he would not want to be friends with someone who could treat ANYONE that way. Being friends with someone like that is just condoning their behavior.
Firstly you need to manage
Firstly you need to manage your ex as he is. Meaning, he isnt going to change, he isnt going to suddenly become reasonable. So from now on don't try and arrange things to try and co-parent with him i.e. sharing time, because when your time comes around your ex will NOT reciprocate wiith fairness.
I usually would never advocate refusing to co-parent as that is not in the best interest of your child, however when another person refuses to also be fair, reasonable and think of your mutual child's welfare first and foremost then all you can do is take protective steps in order to minimise the stress, upset and upheavel your ex does to you and in turn your son. Right now you are hoping things will change, so instead of using that time and energy into dealing with what is, protecting yourself, you are investing that in trying to do the right thing. Trouble is, you will be unable to complete those moral right steps unless he co-operates. Hes not.
So from now on, do not share time. His time is his, yours is yours. Do not allow him to dictate whether you can cut his hair. If he refuses to discuss the fact he needs a hair cut, then do it yourself. If he shaves his hair off, then I am sure this will affect his relationship with his son...no kid is going to thank their parent for hitting out from spite. They see it.
You are allowing your ex to control you to an extend with his anger and vindictiveness. I really do appreciate to a degree where you are coming from, my DH's ex is the same. Shitty looks, passive aggression, harassment, abusive, threats, control, underhandedness, drama...
I also understand why you avoid certain events that your ex may attend due to his attitude, however I wouldnt allow him to stop me from attending a mutual friends wedding. By all means be careful of your intake of alcohol and ensure you are surrounded by people, but as you can take educated guesses as to your ex's behaviour towards you put in place some steps to manage it. So he shoots you glares. Well dont LOOK at him. Hes not there. Dont make eye contact or even be polite by speaking to him. Why bother when all you are doing is giving him the chance to be an arse? Hes had numerous chances to be normal, but he refuses. Do you know a GREAT method of dealing with people who spout poison? You talk over them really sweetly to drown out whatever nastiness they are saying (and you can usually tell by the start of whatever they say what the content will be). Then if they react badly, THEY look even more of an arse, and you can feign innocence and I can tell you more people will jump in to deal with an aggressive, drunk guy.
Like HELL would I let someone run me off.
As for the issue with your OH. I dont know his motivation is maintaining a good relaitonship with your ex, perhaps he feels he needs to do that in order to ensure your ex doesnt go any further than he does with you...maintain the status quo in other words. I dont know. Have you asked him? I understand your upset though, as while I personally wouldnt want my partner to be aggressive and jump in all the time with the situation you are dealing with your ex, I wouldnt want my OH to be friends either because that to me is completely disloyal.
I would be telling my partner how much that upsets me. I would also disengage from supporting my partner, particularly with regards to HIS kids and ex regardless how hostile she is towards him. Its called reaping what you sow. There are times when my own DH hasnt been able to understand how his behaviour is unreasonable until he has been on the receiving end of the same treatment from me, not for revenge or tit for tat, but to learn how it feels so he stops how he behaves. It works most of the time and he has been shocked I have dared treat him like he treats me. Well sorry and all, but its not a one way street!