Stepson overheard a negative conversation about his biological mom
I was so angry yesterday. It was my older stepson's birthday. He turned 15. When I (SM) picked him up from school he told me that his mother wanted to come over later to bring him his birthday present. We have had ongoing boundary issues with BM. Is it wrong that I do not want her over at my house dropping something off to her kids every night that we have them? She was over the night before dropping off a belt for school and stood outside talking to the 15 year for 30 at 10 pm. Anyway, I told him to talk to his dad. What she will do do is talk to the kids forts and get them hyped up. What can we really say? "No, your mom can't bring you a birthday present."
Anyway, things have been building up with her lately and this got be angry. I dropped the 15 year old and the 13 year old off at home to my husband and went to the store to get ice cream for the birthday party. While on he errand I called my husband to vent. I told him that the more he tries to uphold boundaries with BM the more disparate she seems to get to push her way back in. He then informed me that she got the 15 year old a new iphone AND a tablet for his birthday. She doesn't help pay for tuition or healthcare, yet on there birthdays and Christmas it's iPhones, computers, $400 Lego robots, etc. Anyway, this got me fired up and I told my husband that she was "pathetic" for buying her kids basically.
Here is the problem. I asked my husband if the kids were around when I called him. He said the younger stepson was upstairs. At some point during our conversation my husband went upstairs in the hallway to check on something and the 13 year old overheard me call his mother pathetic. Of course he was hurt by this. All he would say ins that he heard what I said and it's "not true". I have a very good relationship with this SS and it breaks my heart to know that I upset him. I have been depressed about this since last night when it happened. I hate feeling out of control. I was honest with him and told him that I did call her pathetic and told him it was because his dad and I pay for all the unfun stuff like school and the doctor and then their mother turns around and buys them phones and tells them how she is going to buy them a car when they are old enough. I told him I was upset because my feelings were hurt and I was venting to his dad and he wasn't supposed to hear it.
I also know that my husband did not think SS could hear, but I am still a little angry at him for not being more careful.
I am really feeling crappy about this. Please help!
It happens, there is not much
It happens, there is not much you can do about it now. You gave him your explanation, let it go at that.
Maybe he will eventually realize that his mother IS pathetic.
I am the same way, though, I stew and stew when things like this happen. Only time will get it out of your mind but just remember, it's wasted energy worrying about it, it's done. Next time, whisper.
Tog, thank you. And you are
Tog, thank you. And you are correct! There have been many instances that we know of when SF has told the kids negative, untrue things about me and their father. We know that for a fact. I try very hard to NOT be that kind of stepparent. Maybe that is why I feel so bad now.
I know it must be incredibly confusing for the kids. Especially because their mother is the fake nice type that always has a smile on her face and everything is always rainbows, sunshine and unicorns. They DON'T know the very good reasons for us not liking her. Like the fact that the reason for the divorce is that she left my husband for her personal trainer who she is now married to and treats her kids poorly. Or that she will flat out lie to my husbands face about something and think nothing of it. I could go on and on.
My husband does try to set boundaries with her. The problem is that she disregards them completely. Or she will comply for a brief period of time and then go back to her old ways. We are the same as you. We either wait until our day (our custody is 50/50) or call her FIRST to see if it is ok. As much as I dislike her, I still have respect for her days and her time with her children.
Thank you. I appreciate your
Thank you. I appreciate your response.
My husband did confront his ex about not keeping him "in the loop" as to what she and her son were planning. She always makes excuses and talks her way out of it. This is exactly what she did yesterday. I hate feeling like I have no control over what goes on at my own house, she always talks to the kids first. Then we are the bad guys if we say "no".
Agree with Cat, you handled
Agree with Cat, you handled it well.
Applause. You handled this
Applause. You handled this very well. Great job on handling it directly with SS, explaining the facts and why you said what he heard.
I am a huge proponent of total disclosure of the facts with Skids in an age appropriate manner. Informing the Skids that mom pays nothing other than for gifts to bribe them for their loyalty and love is exactly the information they need to formulate their own opinions and to protect themselves from her toxic manipulations.
Do not feel guilty. You done good.
We kept my SS fully abreast of the facts of our blended family situation in an age appropriate manner so that he would know when the toxic Sperm Clan was manipulating him. When he was about 8 is when we started addressing their bullshit with facts. Now at 22 he is very clear on how despicable the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool is. We had our SKid hearing comments about the Sperm Idiot experience when he was 2. DickHead called my bride during the first phase of her refusing to speak with Sperm Grandma due to her toxic bullshit. Following that tense conversation DickHead asked to speak to the Skid. When my bride handed the Skid the phone he cheerfully said "Hi daddy DickHead!" I just about swallowed my tongue. Fortunately DickHead is very close to DickHeads actual name so we were able to pawn it off on a 2yo not speaking clearly and static on the phone line.
After that we never spoke of the Sperm Clan in any way but respectful English though we did use the facts while speaking about them. Over the years the Skid started doing his own research on the facts regarding the Sperm Idiot and Sperm Clan and frequent occasions I found him digging through the Custody/Visitation/Support drawers in our home office file cabinets.
Do not sweat this. The Skids need the truth.
Good luck.
The best way to handle out of
The best way to handle out of control visitation is a court order and strict adherence to it. When they're with Daddy its Daddy's time and nothing shall interfere. If she brings a belt over Daddy goes out and gets it or better yet she's told no as he has an adequate one on hand. Even if he doesn't.
This includes birthday and other gift occasions. Hey she can't read a calendar? She gives it to him the week before if that's how it works out.
Don't worry about competing financially, if Daddy is spending quality time with his kids that is what they will remember long after the phone is recycled. Remember quality time includes helping Daddy change the oil and mow the lawn. I found myself buying almost token presents because the ex-wife was spending hundreds (today thousand) of dollars on Christmas. The kids expectations were simply different when they came over.
She bought them junk that's long gone while I spent time teaching them things they're still using and doing today 40 years later.
You are a parent OCC. Your
You are a parent OCC. Your kids will have countless memories of their quality time with you. Kids today will have not one single memory of a video game they played or a Disney Video they watched when they reach adulthood. Your kids will have a life time of memories with you.
They are fortunate.
My Skid has told me this basic thing a few times over the past couple of years. He had many memories of learnign to ride his bike, camping, hiking, working on the yard, etc... with me and almost no memories of activities with the Sperm Idiot.
Kids are smart and do figure it all out eventually.