step kids from hell
HELL p
I have recently relocated across country with my kids (12,10,6 and almost 4) and I love my DH but his ex who is all sorts of mentally unbalanced is creating havoc with my DH 3 kids ( 9,7, and 5)
they kick, they lie, they weep, they refuse to eat dinners, physically hurt my children, lie, and basically are driving me all sorts of mad.I have tried love,I have tried understanding, but I tell you, things are getting so hard. I left my home, all my family,friends, support network to relocate across Canada and whilst I do not expect my step kids who are spoiled rotten, undisciplined to meld right away, I wish they could be a tad more ........ governable??
what makes it worse is they get REWARDED for behaving crappy for me.
I have no idea what to do anymore ,I am sick of being a step monster, my bio kids ( and I have 4,who have rules and still love me)are feeling like they do not live here, and my oldest who is always good, has actually volunteered for fundraising to get out of the house.
I feel like a failure, I am feeling hurt and frustrated and worse,I feel like I have betrayed my kids who had a support network and things that do not get broken,and moved them to a place where they cannot fit in.
HELP???
Sounds more like a parenting issue...
Which it usually is.
So what does the DH say? Have you expressed to him that your children are unhappy? Does he not do anything? How much room does your kids have compared to his kids?
Ask your kids what would help them feel more at home.
Sounds like a very sad situation.
You may have to disengage from the step kids and take more steps to handle your kids. This will show the skids that if they behave correctly, they would get the same treatment.
It would seem to me that DH has to get on board with handling his kids.
Just my 2 cents
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm
I like that, thank you for
I like that, thank you for your post. I have actually disengaged right now from the kids- it hurts too much when they say awful things, so its just easier to try not to let my feelings get involved.
My kids and I go out to the library, my oldest joined Cadets and we just try and work around it. tiny trips are like mental health breaks. They all have rooms, and things, its just that it gets frustrating. We are different religions as well and that is not a problem for us , but a bone of contention with his ex.
Its just so aggravating. His oldest lies, and that scares me, becausehe has lied about things like saying he was locked in the basement with no supper and then his mom flies off into a rage whereas the truth was he kicked the crap out of my 10 yr old who while they were playing hide and seek, was hiding in a cloth laundry hamper... so he was sent to his room,which is in the basement after dinner...
The ex texts my DH 8-10 times a night sometimes with blustery rages and she has gone so far as say that she does not wnat her precious children to get lice from us..
As for My DH, I feel sorry for him- his kids are hard to handle, rude ,and spoiled. Heis caught in the middle and he is trying to regulate their behaviour, but seems to be more comfie with waiting til I get upset and then backing me up..
UGH
This is tough.
Frankly I don't see a solution that's workable. Only half measures.
The kids spend 2 of 14 days with you I assume. This is not enough for Dad to instill any real self-imposed discipline on them. That is to say make them well-behaved. He can rule with a iron fist however. Any breaking of the rules results in severe consequences. Of course this would apply to all kids at least for those two days.
Speak frankly with your husband explaining that you've reached the end of your teather. Without something changing you've got to seriously consider other living arrangements.
Then do it if necessary. Pull up the whole family and move back. This is called "cutting your losses" which is to say that having wasted time on a lost cause is no sufficient reason to waste more.
I think that
DH should be able to make a difference with the kids in regards to discipline even if you don't have them that much (and you have them enough to have them making your life hell!). When my H didn't have our skids as much as we do now, we were still able to make them behave (it's a work in progress, still) while they were with us. They still act like monsters for about an hour (and sometimes up to four hours) after we get them from BM, because they are adjusting to being with us after being with someone (BM) who has no rules and lives in chaos. For that time period, they fight, whine, disobey, are rude and generally nasty and because we have strict rules and enforce them with time-out and loss of privileges, they respond really well after a bit and become the skids I know and tolerate.
I agree with Orange County that you need to talk to DH and tell him how strongly you feel about this. You are obviously an awesome mom and your kids sound wonderful. That is a huge achievement right there, and you should be proud of yourself, not beating yourself up about the situation! You didn't raise those monsters and your kids sound like they are really nice, productive people and one good thing is that after this experience they will probably think twice about marrying a person with kids!
But, seriously, again I agree with OC, and think that DH needs to step in and set very strict rules, even if it's just rules about how they treat you and your children. You guys need to be treated with respect. End of story. That is the bare minimum.
Let me know how it goes, kay?
"The truth shall set you free." ~John 8:32