SS won't talk to me, getting a little tired of it...
Hi there, i'm new to the site (it's just what I was lookng for), new to blogs, and new the blended family.
My fiancee & I will be married in 7 months, have been together a year. She and her 12 year old son moved into my home 6 months ago. The first few months were just fine, ss & I would go on bike rides, play catch, all kinds of good stuff. then the ss-to-be stopped talking to me after I laid down some basic house rules (doing dishes two nights a week, cleaning room on Sundays, etc. nothing heavy at all!) He was totally spoiled by his mom his first 12 years. When I talked to gf about it, she didn't believe me, she talked to him, he said I was mistreating him, abusive and an a--hole, and that he wasn't going to speak to me for at least one year if at all! We struggled with what to do for a while until it became too much for her to take. He was just being a little jerk.
We've been going to a counseler who has us "not giving it any energy", just going about our lives and not letting it get to us. It's not easy, he'll be all happy and talkative but will only look at her, it's as if I don't exist, won't even look me in the eye! It can actually get a little lonely here in my own house, even though we're all here! On the counseler's advice she tells him he can go with us to events or dinners, but if he's not going to talk to me he can't go because it's not fun for us with him like that. He always opts out,and is home alone or at his bd's house, which is a whole other story, believe me! The counseler says giving him the choice is taking away the control he is trying to hold over us and is showing him the natural consequences of his actions/choices. I feel like he's winning! Getting to stay home, watch tons of tv, eat and hang out or go to dad's and do the same(he's a real Disneyland dad). My gf wants to try a little longer. She is actually considering postponing the wedding if the ss doesn't lighten up. He's obviously angry at her for being with me as well as angry with me. I feel like he's winning at this also, potentially getting the wedding postponed or even canceled if he had his way! There's alot more I could talk about, but if anyone has any similar situations and/or advice I'd love to hear, my stomache's hurting more each day, and I know it's not right!
Your situation is truly
Your situation is truly similar to mine. We are doing counseling as well. I will tell you this much. You cannot allow your feelings to get hurt when the SS does not want to partipate in family activities. My kids are 13 and 14 and I know that they don't like the fact that I have a committed relationship and yes my FH has had to lay down some ground rules because they are kids and in order to live in the house they will abide by the rules. Yes when they talk they look at me. Bottom line he is the child. He does not get the upper hand in this situation. You as the adults call the shots not him. Don't get your feelings hurt. There is no need to walk on egg shells around him. Continue with developing your relationship with your future wife. If he is not on board then so be it, but you should love and care for him as if he were your own. He may not appreciate it now, but in the looong run he will. It will take time and a whole lot of patience.
I'm' sorry your going
I'm' sorry your going through this. I personally think the wedding should not be postponed. Because if it is, he'll know he definitely has power. And if your fiancee seriously cancels the wedding over her son, then tell her and her son to move out. It doesn't matter how much you love one another, if the main parent gives into this BS, there is not point in having a life with them. It will only bring in more aggrivation.
Since yoru fiancee, had a talk with him then its time to show him what it means on ignoring people. Start going out with fiance and exclude him entirely. When he asks to come, you tell him no. Since i dont exist to you and your not talking to me over realistic responsibilities under this household then there is no point in bringing you along. I like to talk to people and since your mother only talks to me and is nice to me i rather surround myself with people who deserve to be around me and do fun things.
I did this to my sd. She got spoken to by bm. (she doens't live iwth us )
so when she began the 'ignoring' phase, which took my dh a long time to see, cause i didnt' go to tell him, i just simply ignored her and would do activities heavly on weekends when she skipped, she went up to her dad and said that we plan things without her...Well my dh approached me before thsi happened and i told him veyr politely that 'haven't you noticed she ignored me? that she walks out of the room when i come in..etc..etc.." He took note the follwoing time that is was true, and told me he would talk with her. I said no. Dont. I will completley ignore her and do many fun activities without...let her come to you." She did after 3 months.....and my dh let her have it. Basically told her she started it and to suffer with the consequence of her actions towards otehr human beings.
I agree with Angel72.
I agree with Angel72. Ignore him back. I know it feels like he is winning. And that sucks. But it isn't really about winning. What matters is that he is still made to do those chores whether he likes it or not. Let him express his dislike however he wants. But don't kiss his butt and try to get him to talk either. That gives him power. AND don't do anything except basic need things for him or with him. I mean nothing. No driving him anywhere. No giving permission to do anything. I went so far as not letting SD touch / use anything in the house that was mine. Which was a big deal since dh left the marriage with the clothes on his back and Wingnut kept everything. I let her use the furniture obviously, but when dh and I would exercise (we have a home gym) she wasn't allowed to touch my weights / exercise ball, step, etc. Since dh uses his exercise ball a lot and his weights are too heavy for her. She found out pretty quickly that a lot of stuff is mine and if she couldn't be nice, she was pretty bored. Find something to use against him and do it. Sounds cruel, right? Well he is being cruel. I don't buy into a lot of "he / she is just a kid" if they are old enough to manipulate, they are old enough to suffer the consequences.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
You might be my idol ! God,
You might be my idol !
God, I so wish I had the backbone to be like that. I tend to be a people pleaser and in the end get walked on. And I know it would damage my relationship with DH which is too valuable to me.
But I'll start dreaming up ways to work a little of that attitude in along the way. I do totaly agree with it !
Good luck. I will say that
Good luck. I will say that I am extremely fortunate in that dh sees the way she behaves and treats me and how much I do for her because he is working, etc. Because of that, he respects when I feel I need to do things to "right my world" so to speak and he explains it to SD "svs, is very good to you (and he lists out all things I do for both of them and the things they wouldn't have without me. If you can't be nice, she can start taking those things away. You get what you give, so if you want people to be nice to you, you have to be nice to them". I realize a lot of people on this site, do not have that kind of support. I will say that SD will be much better off for it. She's still a pain in my butt, but she is way better than she was a year ago!
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I wish my DH could speak
I wish my DH could speak those words. I will give him credit, he is getting better. He does see most of her actions. He is open to changing things......IF (and it's a big if) I can approach him in a manner and with the right words for him to not become defensive.
AH - that is the tricky
AH - that is the tricky part. I approached it with no relation to me whatsoever. I approached it as "SD is very rude and bossy. It is really unfortunate because she is not going to have very many friends. I fear she will wake up one day in Wingnut's (her mother) shoes, with no job, no friends, and no husband because she doesn't know how to treat people". I never once said anything about how it made me feel. Other than I felt sorry for her. Whenever, I have to criticize SD, I use examples of how her behavior is like her mother's (thereby not making it her fault per se and also making it sound really bad because dh hates Wingnut) and how if we don't do anything to fix it, her life will be ruined. What dh wants his kid to turn out like his ex, right?
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Good point. That's exactly
Good point. That's exactly how I need to approach it. I won't have to look hard for examples.
Unfortunately I think my DH is resigned to the fact that SD will turn our like BM. He somehow feels that he can't stop it.
Maybe he can't, but does he
Maybe he can't, but does he really want to look at her as an adult and know he didn't even try? I am pretty certain SD is doomed to repeat her mother's cycle, but I'll know we did our best AND I'll have the added benefit of her behaving appropriately at least when she is with me.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Hi Dave welcome to this site
Hi Dave welcome to this site , Its good to hear from other men in this world of SK's , when I cam to this site I was taken back on how many of us are going threw very similar situations , then as I read on it seemed like a higher percent of what I was reading was from women , Why ? I think its because women are more Opt to reach out for help , so as One Male to another welcome and thanks for your stepping up ..
As for your situation , I have been with my GF for 2yrs , she has 2 girls 11 & 15 yrs of age , at the beginning of Our relationship the girls where somewhat inviting of me being with their Mom , since her divorce it was an Odd thing for Mom to be with someone else other than Dad , "understandable " but the way we went about introducing me into their Life was slow and as someone Mom was seeing ..
They seemed offish about it at first then I guess didn't feel the threat of me being with Mom so I was spending more & more time with them ,doing things they've never done or been places they've always wanted to go and eventually was sleeping over a few times , Then you could see when it was changing , as for me and the GF , we wanted to take it to a move in step , we talked it over with the girls and they seemed some what unsure but more like well do we have a choice kind of reaction ..
And to some degree they were right , When we talked about moving in together , it was based on her lease was about to be renewed and the Ex wasn't paying his Obligation and she had to make some choices on what to do an where to go because she could not afford where she was at ..
Me being me , felt we were getting close before I learned of her situation , so when she told me her delema , I felt the need to help her and thats when we talked about moving in together , " so I could help her and be together at the same time " Wrong Idea ! , Now I live with my GF and her kids and go thru the role of trying to make a happy home and get along with the girls ..
I get the same behavior from them as your getting from your SK , what the point to my story is , We have join the world of " other peoples kids " as an Adult , maturity tells us to do , be and Live certain ways , then we try to instill these Morals into our kids , " Notice I said OUR kids ? " thats a task all by its self , but when we try to instill the same Morals & Values into Other peoples kids ! hmmm Good Luck .. Kids sometimes just don't like their parents , let alone someone New in their life trying to now be a parent to them ...
as a person in your shoes ( step dad ) I find that the 2 adults in the house hold need to be on the same page with Home rules , BM has to be the enforcer and your the back up enforcer when she's not around .. She needs to be the one who presents the rules and gives the consequences for when the rules are broken ...
As for the two of you getting along , How much are you willing to try and how long of effort your willing to put in ..
I gave effort for 2 yrs , many different approaches , and even at times for certain things came down to their level .. At the end of it , They may just Not want to except you as a person , a step dad or even as a friend , what are you willing to except and for how long is up to you ..
Its Not easy being the step parent as I have learned , kids today in general for me are just Non-appreciative all around and want nothing to do with adults period ..
Sorry for the long drawn out response , but know your Not alone with your situation ..
Hello Stepaside ,
Hello Stepaside , interesting name ..LOL firm ! I like it , I can join you in those forced hello's .. Its funny how as I was a kid My parents taught me to be respectful to ALL adults , meaning at all times .. One would think we would have these same traits passed on to our kids today and we would still have some common courtesy towards other people ..
I feel in general our next generation is going down the tubes with so much lost from our history , The whole step kid / step parent thing has also blown up .. Its got to be hard for sure on kids to lose a parent and gain a new one like a car LOL ..
The 21st century hasn't been easy , and I Miss Ole time Values all around ..
I have your very same
I have your very same situation. It's very lonely and very frustrating. I can tell you that I would trade with you in an instant. The bright side of your situation is that your wife acknowledges it and is willing to work on it.
I totally agree that the child needs to feel consequences for treating people that way. It's ok not to like someone or want to form any kind of relationship with them but one the flip side you can't expect to be included in that person's activities or reap the benefits of their generosity.
That's one thing that my DH and SD dont' get or see. She is allowed to act that way and I am expected to treat her as if she is my own. Unfortunately it will eventually ruin my relationship with DH as much as I love him.
Hi Dave and welcome. I don't
Hi Dave and welcome. I don't get it. If you are ALREADY in counseling, why would you really want to marry in to this situation? It's never a good sign. Normally it takes many years to get to such a point.
If you like, just ignore the ss12. Maybe it is his age and the fact that you are "moving" in on mom, per se.? I have seen this with other teenage boys before. Don't worry about winning him over. He'll "sense" it. Just focus on your fiance if you wish this to be.
Good Luck!!!
Hi Dave, I've been into
Hi Dave, I've been into similar shoes, got SD(13), SS(7), the BD never done much so my wife did much of guilty parenting and gave them whatever they wanted for years.
when we first moved in together, the first year was so so, because I worked at the other end of the city and I kept my condo, so I'd stayed at my condo for most of my work week and go over for the weekend, I only see the kids for 2 days max 4 days out of the week.
then I sold my condo and we got a small town house, things weren't looking too good, the kids wanted to play with all the toys that I've acquired over the years, at first I tried to be nice, but then months later, I just find it irritating that they are destroying my toys, it made our marriage bit rough, we got a bigger house and moved in almost a yr ago, things got better as everyone has more space, but the kids still don't got much respect for me or my stuff, kinda like your situation.
then one day, I've decided to use millitary orders, I grew up in a military family, my grandpa fought in WW2 and my dad fought as well, I grew up in a household that was either yes or no, no may be, and they were fair.
I told SD that to use the computer, the homework must be done and checked, room must be kept clean. Show respect to everyone and everything or else no computer time and/or friends coming over, the same for SS, its important that you have to explain to them its not JUST their house, they aren't the ones paying the mortgage, they are not the ones putting food on the table, they didn't buy the couch/tv/computer, so show respect, if they don't like it, then don't use any of it.
You and your gf have to be on the same page for this, because that is the basic rule of respect, without you and your gf being on the same level regarding respect, its hard to tell your SS to respect you, I worked hard with my wife, I explained the kids that for everyone to be happy, it requires everyone's effort, it has to be fair.