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Should I become my sisters legal guardian..

Dani_0215's picture

I have posted here before about several issues I had/have in the past with my SM

Things have gotten out of control and I feel as if MY life is slipping out of my control...about 3 weeks ago SM & my dad separated, she left my sister with him and no one has heard from her since. She actually left the country along with her own mother.
I didn't even know that any of this had happened until almost 2 weeks ago when my dad showed up at my door with my sister. Asking if I could take care of her for the weekend since he had to work and leave the country. This irritated me, he should be the one looking after her, HE is her father. We argued about it but I gave in. Big mistake.
When she first left my dad didn't know where she was and contacted the police because no one knew where she was.
A couple of days ago my dad was contacted by a lawyer saying that SM was willing to give up parental rights :jawdrop:
I didn't even know you could do that?? We do not live in the states btw.
He has been talking to lawyers and now he is saying that he wants ME to become her legal guardian...
He says that he cannot take care of her since he is always traveling for work and he would never be around. I was and still am in shock. What kind of parent decides to hand off their child like that?? I am heartbroken for my sister, she is so young and doesn't know what's going on but she is currently living with me. I have tried contacting SM's family and no one answers. I don't know what to do, should I become her legal guardian? I'm supposed to be leaving next year to another country for work.

I have talked to my father about options, that he CAN and HAS TO take care of his daughter. But he says no, I cannot believe that they are doing this to that poor little girl.
I am torn on what decision I should make, obviously her parents could care less about her and no child should have to go through that. But then again I am young, my life and my career were just where I wanted them to be and now this happens..
It is a huge responsibility to take on and have thought about it night and day. Yet I'm still not sure.
Financially I am able to take care of her, but this would turn my life upside down and I honestly don't know if I am ready for that kind of responsibility.
My problem is the guilt and regret I would feel if I don't

Shaman29's picture

Wait....this is your half sister??

The first thing I would do is kick your Dad in the nut-sack. How dare he dump his responsibility onto someone else??

You have two options. Tell your father no. That he chose to have another child and he is now solely responsible for her care and upbringing.

OR

Hire an attorney and look into your options. Do not take any legal advice from your father or his attorney.

Have your attorney look into CS arrangements from your Dad. Set up visitation and make him adhere to the schedule.

I would not become her legal guardian without full financial support from your father. And really stick it to him for child care, schooling, life insurance, clothing allowance, activities, etc. Calculate what is will cost to raise this child to 18 and divide it by the number of years left until she turns that age.

Boy......your father and SM are a couple of shit-bags. Though the entire situation begs the question, WTF happened between them??

Dani_0215's picture

Thank you so much for your comment!
Yes she is my half sister

I've come to the point that I can barely look at him in the face because what he is doing is so selfish and cruel.

SM & my father have had problems since my sister was born, he is 15 years older than her and have always had issues. He says he didn't want to have another kid but she did, blah blah blah.
He travels a lot for work, barely ever home. And she wanted him to stay home with her and my sister, idk they just had a lot of issues and didn't see eye to eye on many things. Then she didn't allow any of my fathers family to see my sister including me.
They're both immature, she has a drinking problem and he has a temper and also drinks

I have hired an attorney, my main concern obviously was if I could afford taking on such a responsibility.
Luckily I did inherit a significant amount of money from my parents when I turned 21 and also from when my grandmother passed away.
Either way if I did become her legal guardian I would expect him to support me financially. But it is comforting knowing that I can get by on my own if he decided to be an a-hole and not provide any financial support.

Shaman29's picture

I don't think you should take on the financial burden, though obviously it will happen.

Like a few others stated, this will destroy your relationship with your dad. But it sounds rocky anyway and I have a feeling this was the last straw for you.

I'm torn between suggesting adoption (not you, but both of the parents giving up rights so a loving couple can adopt her). Or suggesting that you go through with this, however your father and full financial responsibility.

Bottom line, and you didn't ask for this, but you're going to have to make a decision that is best for this little girl and for you. She's your sister and not a stepkid, so some of our perspectives are being colored by the skid thing.

You have to follow your heart and your head in this matter. Listen to your legal counsel and do not trust anything your father says. He's only looking for the easy way out where you are looking at your sister as a human being and a loved one. It's going to be much more difficult for you to make this decision than it is on her bio parents.

Hugs to you for caring so much. I know this isn't easy and it's truly not something you should have to deal with.

SecondGeneration's picture

Ooh this is tricky.
I have a half brother, hes 12 now, when my step-dad was dying (because my BM is also ill) they needed to appoint a legal guardian. My step-dad wanted me, my BM wanted to appoint her best friend. Her reasoning being that I am his sister, not a guardian, my relationship with him should be sibling not guardian level.

I totally get your guilt and concerns, she is supposed to be your sister, your supposed to be able to enjoy as much or as little time together as you want. You are supposed to be able to enjoy the fun stuff. But you also have the very real possibility that if SM gives up her parental rights and her father abandons her, shes going to end up in care. If her father doesnt abandon her, shes probably still going to end up in care, itll just be a case of how long she is neglected for and how much damage is done before that point.

The other thing you have to acknowledge here is ultimately this is going to destroy your relationship with your father. You are not going to be able to take on your sister and have him pick her up and drop her whenever it suits. You are not going to be able to accept his money (if he pays any) and support a healthy relationship between him and her because you will be too angry. Plus you know he is trying to dump her on you so that he can pick her up and drop her whenever he wants, if he surrenders her to foster care then he will actually have to prove himself to be able to see her. With you he just has to turn up or call, play pity and youll let him (or atleast that is what he is expecting)

How old is your half sister?

Rags's picture

My bride and I assumed guardianship of my SIL (wife's youngest sib) when she was nearly 17. She lived with us, was a member of our household, and we intended to put her through university until she completed her degree. Her agreed responsibilities were to be at home when our son arrived home each day after school (we had been using an after school care provider), do the yard work (we had been using a lawn service), and do basic household chores as a member of the family. The money we had been spending on after school care and yard service would go to help pay for her university costs though were far from covering it all.

We also bought a car for her use.

The whole situation was a double edged sword. On the positive side it gave SIL time to mature, she completed her first year of university studies with good grades, and we were able to focus resources on her college experience. She did deliver on being home when our son got home from school but other than that she did nothing that she agreed to do.

A year later she quit school, ran back to her home state, had an out of wedlock child with her long time boy friend, eventually enrolled in a local university where she attended for nearly 7 more years, accumulated ~$80K in school loan debt, never graduated with her degree, and has spouted about how we were so mean to her and how it was hell living with us. .... because we made her get her butt out of bed and go to class, do her homework, did not let her turn in semi-literate crap, would not let her skip class for sex weekends with her BF occasionally, and we would not pay for her plane tickets to fly home for conjugal visits. No mention of living in the nicest home she ever had, the car we gave her, getting her into my bride's alma-matter, going great vacations with us, etc...

Your situation is a bit different. Your sister is much younger and needs a loving home which from the sounds of it her own parents refuse to provide. It is not your responsibility to give up your life and dreams because your father is a dirtbag and her mother is a useless waste of skin. Is adoption by a loving couple an option?

Do not be too hard on yourself through this.

Good luck.

AllySkoo's picture

What an incredibly crappy situation, for both you and your sister! I can't tell you what to do, obviously, I can only tell you my own experience...

My brother is MUCH younger than I am - people thought I was his mom when he was a kid, all the time. When I turned 18, my father asked me if they could name me as my brother's guardian in their will. He asked me to think about it carefully - they had no intention of going anywhere, but if anything happened I could be a single, teenage "mother" to a toddler. For myself, there was only one option - yes, I would be his guardian. Like you, I couldn't live with myself if my brother lost his parents and then had to be ripped away from his sisters as well. It just wasn't an option, no matter what it meant for me.

My parents are still alive and well, and my "baby" brother is now all grown up. So I never actually had to live with my choice, as you will. I can't imagine it, honestly. I do know though that whatever you decide will be the right decision for both you and your sister - you clearly care deeply and are putting a lot of thought into this. So once you figure out what you want to do (and I think you have solid arguments for any of the options listed in these posts), don't doubt yourself. Be strong. You sound like an intelligent, brave, and caring young woman - have faith in yourself that whatever you decide you are choosing the best option from the mess your father and SM have created.

Dani_0215's picture

I have talked to my lawyer and have made the decision that when SM and my dad give up parental rights (SM is already doing the paperwork) I will become her legal guardian.
He is currently working out an agreement with my dad as I type this.
I know that this won't be easy and that it is a huge responsibility but I couldn't live with myself knowing that my sister who is almost 3 is out there with a family she doesn't know.
So far she has stayed with me and cries when her own dad tries to take her somewhere since he is never around and she barely knows her own dad. She also has not asked about her mom

I'm going to be asking for CS and expect him to cover for all of her financial needs (school, insurance, clothing, activities, etc)
Not sure what to do about her mom though, she's obviously not a mentally fit person a.k.a a nutcase and I don't know if I should ask her for CS also...I really doubt that she will follow through with it, but we will see.

My priority right now is to make sure that she grows up in a stable environment, I think that's extremely important for any child.
I'm going to purchase a home where I'll be moving and she will live there with me.
I want her to feel comfortable and know that she has a home and a sister who cares for her and will take care of her

My lawyer also said that once I become her legal guardian I will have a say in wether she sees her parents or not, since she is so young and that once she gets older she can choose if she wants to see them or not. I don't know what do about that, I don't want to keep her from her parents but then again they are obviously not good people and could care less about her. I've been thinking that maybe only visitations that are supervised. But I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it

As far as the relationship that I have with my father being an issue, I don't think it will change that much because I have not had a good stable relationship in YEARS, he has never been a good father figure and never will be.

Thank you everyone for your kind words! I do have some questions as in what you would do if you were in my position
1) Should I put my sister in counseling/see a psychologist? maybe when she is a little older..I'm not sure.
2) Hiring a live in nanny?..I will need the help since I do work but have flexible hours, just don't want her to be alone.
3) My mom has offered to help me take care of her and move with us, but I don't know if that's a good idea...I don't want SM to give me any problems in the future. What would you do?

Any other suggestions or what you'd do are extremely appreciated!

Rags's picture

That is awesome Dani. You are obviously a young woman of character. Your baby sister is very fortunate to have you.

As for asking BM for CS. Hell no you don't ask her. You nail her ass to the wall for every penny she will ever earn and you have it reviewed and raised as regularly as possible. Character aside, it at least appears that your dad will help support you and your young sister financially which is far more than many Bio Parents of little character will do. My Skids Sperm Idiot never paid a dime of his CO'd CS obligation to my SS. Sperm GrandHag and Sperm Grandpa paid it for him.

As for 1,2, & 3.

IMHO:

1) Should I put my sister in counseling/see a psychologist? maybe when she is a little older..I'm not sure.

She is probably too young right now but when she is older if you observe behavioral or emotional health issues then by all means. You are now her mom and you will do what is best for her.

2) Hiring a live in nanny?..I will need the help since I do work but have flexible hours, just don't want her to be alone.

If you can sure. However, a day care situation may be better. A 3yo benefits from socialization with other kids their age. Also, daycare at a quality facility tends to not have the confusion of a live in au pair with a little girl who has had this much abandonment in her life. I would suggest that she needs to bond with you as her parent and a live in nanny might be confusing to her and if she bonds strongly with that person there could be future issues and confusion on who mom really is. You are mom. I suggest you avoid any confusion on that point.

3) My mom has offered to help me take care of her and move with us, but I don't know if that's a good idea...I don't want SM to give me any problems in the future. What would you do?

Maybe a good idea. However, will your mom be able to avoid any baggage she may have with your dad. This little girl is your dad’s daughter and not your mom’s. If you go this route your mom needs to be given clarity that she will be Grandma to your daughter. You do not want the possibility of similar confusion that may occur with the au pair option.

Take care of yourself through all of this. You are taking on a lot at a very dynamic time in your own life.

Dani_0215's picture

Thank you Rags!

I decided to decline my moms offer, I know she only wants to help but I agree that it may just end up complicating things more than they already are.
For now I just want to establish a good solid relationship with my sister and get used to my new role of "mom"

So far SM attorneys have not mentioned if she ever wants to see her daughter in the future or not.
So I'm stuck on deciding if I should let her see my sister at all.

Dani_0215's picture

Thanks Sally!

Definitely taking your advice on the mom situation, I told her that I appreciated it but I think it's best that I do it on my own

Dani_0215's picture

UPDATE:
I've been super wrapped up in getting everything in order and trying to sort things out as soon as possible so my sister & I can start our lives together and so that she can have some stability.
I didn't know how long it was going to take for SM to give up parental rights but the lawyers say that it should be in 1-2 weeks to complete the process and after that when my father does the same things should move along fairly quickly.
The past 2 days I've been in court and managed to get temporary custody of my sister for 6 months, this was after SM posted pictures of herself at the beach in Mexico and in nightclubs. It's disgusting

I hired a kickass team to help me move the process of this faster (one of the lawyers also went through something similar so she has been great with my case), like many of you suggested one of the lawyers said that I should nail SM for CS, problem is she doesn't have a job. Either way I don't care how much she pays as long as she does something!

Things are going well, better than expected. My sister isn't showing any behavioral issues other than the typical stubbornness of not wanting to eat her veggies Blum 3
I have tried explaining some things to her to an extent since she is 3 years old so she doesn't understand everything but it was mostly about the move and how she will be living with me

Next week I am flying out to where we will be moving to and she is coming with me, since I am moving there for work I'll be house hunting. And looking for daycares. I haven't made up my mind about a live in nanny but I think we'll just start out with it being just the 2 of us so she can get used to the idea of me being "mom"
I thought it would be nice to take her to Disney, she's never been and after all this crazyness it will be fun Smile

Dani_0215's picture

Sally,
I would never make my sister call me mom, I know I am not her mother.
And I wouldn't have her grow up thinking that.
She calls me by my nickname "dani" like she always has
What I meant was that I am basically taking the role of "mom" since I will be the one caring for her, and raising her. Something that her mom obviously does not want to do

She knows that I'm her big sister and not her mom, no worries Smile

moeilijk's picture

Good point, Sally - Dani, what I would do is already talk to your sister about different kinds of families (lol, a different 'different' came to mind as I wrote that!)

I think it would be good for your sister to already have confidence in her family situtation, before nasty little kids start teasing her (as they will, because there are always nasty buggers around!)

The best way I've ever heard to help kids understand difference is to first talk about what's the same, then what's different.

Like, in everyone's family there's at least one adult who takes care of the kid(s). What are adult-jobs, what a kid-jobs, etc. Then, what's different? Some families have two adults (two moms/dads) some have more (if grandparents/aunts/uncles live there too) and some less (like you).

On another note, I think you should at least get an order for CS from SM. If she ever gets a job/bank account/inheritance, her income can be garnished and put aside for when your sister needs it as she's older.

In your shoes, I may not go for a nanny - like Rags said, the peer relationship at daycare might be something she really benefits from - but I'd probably use some of the CS to pay for someone to do the deep housecleaning and even some errands. You'll need your free time for yourself now!