Send. Help. Childless stepmom here
This is going to be long and I really don't know how to go about writing this but I'm going to try, I apologize in advance. So, Here goes nothing. I'm absolutely desperate and need help/advice/just to vent to people who know where I'm coming from. I'm at the point where I just have no idea what to do or think or anything for that matter. I am childless but my fiancé has a 5 year old daughter and we have been together since she was 2 1/2.
She has always been rather well behaved, until she turned 4-5. I feel like her and I used to have more of a bond than we do now. She's so nasty to me, disrespectful, never listens, I swear she tries to break my fingers off by bending them backwards, she lies, rolls her eyes, and has the worst attitude. She's manipulative too, she will test you, doesn't matter who you are. But then on the other hand, she can be so cute and lovey I don't get it. I know, she's 5 but that's everyone's excuse for her when she misbehaves.
With her dad and I, she has rules and discipline. When she's with her mom, she does whatever she wants and has little to no discipline. My fiancé has 50/50 custody and does most of the discipline since my SD doesn't listen to me for ANYTHING. He has had conversation after conversation with her about listening to me and that I'm going to be her step mom, but once the next day comes it's like it never happened. Her mom goes through boyfriends more than she changes her underwear and my SD meets them all. In my opinion, that is one of the worst things to do is involve your children in your love life if you're not 1000% sure about them. My SD should not be being introduced to these strange men. Regardless, every time we get her back from her mom my SD is a mess and we have to start alllll over.
I feel lost and really horrible that I feel this way, but I dread when it's his time to take her. I never wanted to be a mom and here I am because I love my fiancé. Do I care about her? Of course. Do I love her? Yes. But I will never love her like my own. When I have her I care for her, feed her, bathe her, I would never mistreat her. I'm nothing but nice to her, I have never yelled or screamed or have said anything to her that anyone would think otherwise. I spend time with her and try to bond but it just doesn't work. I don't know if I should feel guilty or not.
I hate being a step mom and that I feel like I'm expected to be a replacement mom. I hate that I feel like I'm a babysitter, I hate that I feel like she doesn't want us together. And I never used to feel this way but she is just so bad 85% of the time. She's so needy and whiny. She's 100% spoiled and gets her way all the time. Her grandmother buys her anything she wants even when she's misbehaving. All my SD has to do is put her puppy dog eyes on, cry/whine, and she gets what she wants. You should see Christmas time. Never in my life have I gotten as many Christmas gifts as she does for one year.
I don't know what to feel or do anymore, but I don't feel like my fiancé understands at all when I've tried to talk to him about everything. I actually don't feel like anyone understands and I'm alone. I'm always the bad guy. We're supposed to get married the end of this month and I'm having second thoughts because of how I feel. Thanks for taking the time to read all this rambling. Hopefully someone out there can help me.
It sounds like you are doing
It sounds like you are doing way too much of the work of parenting her. Where is your fiance when you are doing all these parenting tasks? What does he do when she is disrespectful to you? Does he discipline? If so, why does she continue to get worse in her behavior? If he can't handle parenting 50/50 he should take less time.
I think I may have worded
I think I may have worded that incorrectly. When I'm responsible for watching her I do all parenting duty's, I wouldn't neglect her. He does bathe her, feed her, etc as well sorry about that.
When she's disrespectful to me, he corrects her and disciplines her but I feel like it never works. I try so hard but honestly, I'm burnt out. I feel like she gets worse because she goes back with her mom and she's always getting her way all she has to do is whine and fake cry and there it is. I hate sounding like I'm a bad person. I'm not. I'm just defeated.
People on other sites may
People on other sites may make you feel like a bad person, but you won't get that here. Nobody can understand what it's like to have to deal with someone else's child, a custody schedule of bouncing back and forth, and dealing with a BM, until they have done it themselves.
You say he disciplines her but it never works, and you say all she has to do is whine amd fake cry. That says your SO's parenting is ineffective. Yes, it does make it harder if there are no rules at BMs, but not impossible. Kids learn to adapt to their environment. I learned that when i found out my own kids behaved better at their dad's than when they were with me! I had to step up the discipline because i'll be damned if they treat my ex better than me!
Anyway, she whines and fake cries because it works. If it stops working at her dad's (your house), she will stop (or greatly reduce) doing it. Do you think your SO would be receptive if you had a talk with him about her behavior? Do you think he can step it up? Therapy or parenting classes may help. Nobody wants to deal with a brat, but some people are too lazy or weak or scared to do anything about it. Don't marry him if he isn't up to it. It will be a long miserable road if he isn't.
You are nothing but nice and
You are nothing but nice and sweet to her. Which is why she thinks it is okay to abuse you, try to break your fingers, and is nasty to you. So, immediately deliver her into a state of abject misery when she is behaving in any way other than appropriately. She grabs and bends your fingers, grab her wrist and hand, peel her hand from your fingers, then slap the piss out of the back of the offending hand with a resounding smack, make it sting, sting, sting, then grab her by an ear, march her to a corner, plant her nose in the corner, inform her that if she is nasty, she will suffer, tell her stand there, shut up, and not move until you come back for her, then swat her on the rump and leave her until you get tired.
Lather, rinse, repeat. When she is shitty, she experiences misery. When she is nice, she gets nice.
Keep it simple. What happens at BM's doesn't matter. How she behaves at BM's doesn't matter. What matters is how she behaves when she is in your home. She behaves, or she is miserable.
Good luck.
I'm not sure that would fly
I'm not sure that would fly doing that to a step. Your own, your choice.
Corporal punishment is neither illegal, nor abuse. Except in DE.
A SParent can discipline in their home as a partner with their SO. A stinging smack to the back of a hand, an assertive march to a corner to stand, with the application of a swat to the rump is not beating a child. It is not abuse, and it is perfectly legal in all States except for Delaware which is the only state to criminalize corporal punishment for those acting enloco parentis.
Failing to apply effective consequences for crappy behavior is parental cowardice and facilitates crappy behavior in the marginal adults that ill parented little shits age to become.
So, parent. Excuses are idiocy.
Look up your State's affiliated law(s) here.
It seems that whatever
It seems that whatever discipline your fiance is using isn't getting the desired results. He needs to step it up/find her real currency. Is he giving her real consequences, or just having "talks" with her? I can tell you based on experience that talks don't work at all. Taking away tablets, tv time, privileges or special things works with my skids. My skids also behave better for us than they do for BM - kids figure out quickly that there are different rules and expectations in different houses and they adapt.
I think you need a heart to heart with your fiance, and to postpone the wedding until things improve.
Kinda of similar situation
SD is 11 and SS 8 been around since SD was 7 almost 8yrs old. So almost 4yrs now. I know what burn out is especially when dealing with a BM on the other hand. I've learned to step back. When I inform DH of any disrespect from the kids, I am sure to add my two cents. Much like your situation the SKs run amock (little to honestly no discipline) it honestly feels like they hit some sort of a reset button when they go to BM house. She has a new BF every 3 months. Last one (Dimwit) we thought it would last but we were wrong. BM ended up giving Dimwit some STI, she just had his baby -- which turns out might not even be his! And BM is already in a relationship (Dude lives with them already) with some married man who left his wife and not even two week old newborn baby smh...With each changing situation DH and I have noticed the behavioral changes in the SKs. Not only do we have to deal with the factory reset button after they've been with BM, but the SK come with a new set of changes (e.g SD has never had a problem with being alone and in the dark. Now each night we deal with her crying and whining for attention talking about one of BMs ex's, DoDoBrain. Dodo brain was BM boyfriend fiancé, but that was 6 boyfriends ago and not even a year ago.) And we know some changes in behavior could be a result of things changing and their BM just having a new baby, etc.. I say all that to say that it's hard parenting someone else's kids. Yes you can love them but it's no easy task.
Start talking to your SO. A genuine heart to heart. The two of you having a strong foundation and a plan for when things happen will help. Now it might not always be or go how we have planned but that's why talking to your SO is important.
I just want to let you know
I just want to let you know that what you're feeling is normal for your situation. A lot of us dove headlong into being a step only for the kid to reject us. Its frustrating to see a kid get spoiled or damaged by her real family and you getting told you're out of line when you care. It's frustrating to be expected to have responsibility but no influence. It's frustrating that you are expected to give love time and money when the kid won't give you the time of day and tries to actively split you up.
This is why stepparents end up disengaging or leaving. You have to take a step back. It's for your own sanity.
If the kid is not listening to you
And Your SO isn't doing anything about it. You can not win. That kid has a BM and BF. You are not one of them. That the way she wants it. There nothing you can do. Just disengage from all of it. Your BF wanted 50/50. That his problem
His problem are not your problem. He must arrange child care when he can not be there, have your own child to love and care for
I agree that your DH has to
I agree that your DH has to be more firm and give her consequences - "be nice to her, she's going to be your stepmother" doesn't cut it, not at all. And really, you should not be responsible for her ever. If he can't be there, he can find family to watch her, or she can go back to BM's for the day. You don't have to become her parent at all just because you marry him, that's not in the job description unless you want it to be.
But above all, heed your intuition that getting married is not a wise choice.