Resentment towards 3 year old adopted step daughter
My husband and I met 2 years ago and we have a biological 1 year old daughter who I love more than anything. When my husband and I met, he had already adopted a daughter with his ex-wife, but she was no longer in the picture. He never spent much time with his adopted daughter and she was living with her grandmother, he saw her maybe 2 or 3 times a week. I got pregnant and the 2 of us moved in together. He told me one day he wanted his adopted daughter to live with us as he couldn't just leave her behind, so I knew that would happen. Our daughter was born, and we had 4 months together as a family of 3 before the step daughter moved in with us. This was for difficult for her as she missed her grandmother a lot, and everything was new to her (we moved country too). Also for me, because suddenly I had 2 children, and as the step daughter has no mum, I instantly became her mum too. My husband works 6 days a week and I stay home to take care of the kids. I feel guilty because quite often I wish the step daughter never lived with us. I do not love her yet, even though shes been with us 8 months. I resent her and get angry with her very quickly which i know isn't fair. And I'm very defensive of my biological daughter when then play together, and get angry at the step daughter if she takes a toy from her, which i know i probably wouldn't do if she was my real daughter. My husband is supportive but at the end of the day he isn't here. I don't feel motherly love for her, but she calls me mum as i'm the only mum she has, and i feel guilty. i will never love her like i love my biological daughter, i know this, but i also worry about how that will affect us as a family when the children get older, for sure they will feel something isn't right and i don't treat them equal. my friends say i'm lucky to have 2 beautiful daughters, but to be honest i wish i had only one so could focus my attention on her. Please help me how to cope with this situation, i feel so guilty about my feelings but don't know how to change them.
Im In the same position but
Im In the same position but the last time me and my husband saw his daughter she was 4months old and now she is 5yrs old. Mom got in trouble with the law and now we have custody of her but i never thought i would feel the way i feel. I dot want her in my house and wish she could go back. Everything you have said describes exactly how i feel, and i mean exactly. I as well need help to cope with this sudden change and feelings i have.
First of all DONT FEEL
First of all DONT FEEL GUILTY...those are YOUR FEELINGS and at least you are being honest with yourself and that is a good start!!!
My BF only has his S10 EOWE & 2 hours on Wedn's. I cant stand him and my BF knows how I feel and he is ok with it. You cant change how a person feels and that is what these dh/so need to realize.
When a child is not YOURS it is basically like taking a strange kid off the street and trying to love them...you dont know them...they are like an intruder to your life and a threat to how YOU want to live your life with dh/so and your own bio kids. NO WOMAN wants to have to deal with someone elses kids (responsibilities, problems, etc) lets be honest with ourselves. We want to be with a man and have kids with him not INHERIT kids that we did not give birth to and can shape and discipline etc. Being a stepparent is a nightmare 99% of the time. You have to deal with kids in your life, in your business, no privacy etc and you have NO CONTROL OR SAY over them and how they act etc. (for the most part anyways) and that SUCKS!!!!
Sooo...in essence please dont feel guilty and bad for not liking/loving SD....it may never happen and that is ok!!! You are NOT alone in this...there are millions of women/men who feel this way and it is PERFECTLY NORMAL!!!
As someone who can't have
As someone who can't have children of my own and adopted a child, this breaks my heart. There are so many lovig couples out there wanting to adopt a child. And most of the mothers putting their infants up for adoption are doing it because they want a better life for their child. A life they can't give them. We had to be screened pretty heavily to be able to adopt. This poor child was put up for adotpion only to have the people who adopted her split up, the mother (and father for all intents and purposes )abandon her and to be left with a grandparent. Then she is taken from that grandparent and put in a situation with another baby who is being doted upon.
I understand your feelings. You didn't make this mess any more than the rest of us made the mess with our skids, but I feel sorry for this little girl. She's been passed around like a hot potato only to find herself in the backseat, spending most of her time with a woman who'd rather she not exist. Maybe her birthmother couldn't afford her. Or maybe she was single and didn't think she could give her a good life, but she probably loved her.
Edited to say, your feelings are normal. I'm not bashing you or saying you're a bad person. I'm just trying to give you some insight into what this little girl is feeling. You don't have a BM shaping her. You have power here to turn her into something. You don't have to love her to do that, but you have to accept and respect that she was intentionally brought into your dh's life. She wasn't an accidental pregnancy.
You don't have to love your
You don't have to love your SD so don't feel guilty about it. I actually like my SD (she likes to garden where my own don't so we spend time together in the yard that way), but I don't love her, that's an unnatural and unreasonable expectation within a short time frame. Even the best stepmoms, or model biomoms, admit to negativity at times. You're in a really good position, the fact that she calls you mum too. It means SD appreciates you; she may have even been dreaming about this happening and this may be a dream come true for her. You're over protection of your own child vs your SD is the only thing I see that although normal at first could become unhealthy later. They are sisters afterall and should anything happen to you in the future, her sister is the person she will look to for help/comfort. So you should nuture and shape that relationship into a positive and loving one while staying out of it. Don't worry, although jealousy (which is normal) and fatigue (which is normal for ALL moms) have appeared to set in, this is still new for you and you seem earnest doing the right thing and making good things happen. It will if you steer the course.