Looking for some insight in regards to behavioral issues with step daughter
Hi there I am new to this but looking for some insight from other step parents. I will try to keep it brief and simple although there is quite a bit of depth to the overall situation. I'm a stepmom to a 7 year old girl. My husband and I just found out that she made $150.00 in unauthorized charges for a video game a few days back. This occurred while at moms house. My husband let her mum know what happened and her mom had no idea it had occured and spoke with her. The next day after being spoken to she went back and charged $200.00 more. My husband contacted mum and let her know again and at this point let mum know that he was cancelling his credit card etc as mum couldn't remove his credit card from the game. (We are not exactly doing great these days financially so first off I'm feeling very anxious just with what I've explained so far) now, even if we were rich this current situation is clearly not okay. Please know I have 3 of my own biological children and I was raised by a very strict parents with strong moral beliefs. I myself feel very strongly about teaching children what is right honest and respectable (I think most of us do right?) I can't help but feel just sick to my stomach about how it's being handled my mum and dad. So mum came at her while on the phone during bedtime routine attacking her verbally about it (please note that prior to this mum makes jokes about getting money out of others including dad to little girl) . When my step daughter is put on the phone she replies that she is sorry and that if dad wants he can take her piggy bank. dad laughs it off and says no that's ok it's your money and tells her she cant be doing things like that. So phone call ends and next day my stepdaughter racks up the $200 which tells me that the lesson wasn't learned or respected. Dad ends up panicked because obviously -$350 when we are suffering financial hardship and mortgage is coming out in a few days so he runs to the bank and cancels the card puts a stop payment on membership etc but then calls to mention that i should somehow log into the game to set aside one of her purchases on another account so it's not lost. I remained calm and said that I don't feel that's a good idea as she is being enabled and learning that to take from others what doesn't belong to her comes with little consequence. So anyway now here I am not seeing eye to eye with my husband the issue isn't being dealt with by both parents. Due to circumstances which have happened in the past i am no longer arguing or fighting or trying to cover everyone's butt anymore (loooong story many things ...many behavioral issues I tried to help bio parents with and that got me worse off). So I mean I'm feeling nervous about finances and escalating behaviors, stealing, lying etc ...I want to feel secure that my step daughter wont steal our money, belongings. I want to figure out a way that maybe I can get through to her while shes here effectively but without having her block me out. Is there a way i can help her guide her gain her trust? And is this even possible when both her biological parents arent consistent or doing the right thing. For years I've watched her turn from rambunctious toddler to problem child in many aspects and I feel powerless. Before I took charge and ran the show and set out the rules and I ended up being the #1 enemy of mum dad and stepdaughter. It almost cost me my relationship with dad. I want to do what's truly best for everyone but being a step mom is alot more complex then simply a mom and I have not encountered the behaviors with my own children so it's difficult to go about things when this isn't what I'm used to. Anyway please try to be kind and not so much condescending at the end of the day I want to do what i can to help our family and make it better. Hopefully I can find that here. Thank you for your time.
Your DH is the problem Not SD
He is not parenting her. She should be grounded with out video games or cell phone. Why did he have it set up that she can charge ?
Your DH May have to get a second job, or sell her gaming system, her cell phone, to make up this money.
Or he once again can give her the talk. You will see what side your DH falls on ?
Wow, no - you aren't the
Wow, no - you aren't the problem here. Why did they even have a 7-year-old set up to play a game where she could buy in-app purchases with a credit card? The first time might be excused to not knowing what she's doing, but the card should have been canceled and no more games where purchases are possible.
In the meanwhile, all you can do is separate your finances so he's not squandering your money on stupid video game purchases. As for getting through to her, no - don't bother. If her parents spoil her, and you want limits, you will just become the big meanie in all of their eyes.
Absolutely
Yes 100% I have taken a backseat for the past several months during covid. I was labelled a mean B*** by everybody except my 12 year old who mentioned to me when we were driving alone that in his opinion I've been doing the right thing and stepdad will have to learn the hard way...(how are 12 year olds today as insightful as I was at maybe 16). So yes we have separate accounts because I need to make certain that my 3 have everything they need and Bill's are paid etc....imagine everything bouncing because we didnt know charges were racking up I get extreme anxiety...I never miss a bill. Its hard because I'm a very take charge woman and strict firm lay down the law (whatever you want to call it) but I think taking a step back is the only thing i can do making sure my finances are safe and in order. And if my opinion is asked or if someone needs advice tells them how I feel. It's just hard with step kids. We are close and invested but at the same time we dont have as much of a say and I wish I could have more positive impact for her. I am a big empath and I am worried about her future. I feel like shes been crying out for help and parents are blind and not listening.
Thank you for responding
I do completely agree with both of you and thank you for the response. The issue i think ill have to tackle is figuring our how to communicate with my husband in a way that he doesnt put up the defensive. He feels alot of guilt and pity towards her and I can agree she has been through alot of unfortunate situations and doesn't have the most stable consistent day to day life at moms. (Mum is an older lady but still stuck in the mind set of somebody in their late teens early 20s) she is usually plunked in front of screens and not paid attention to very much. Knowing this he sees her as a victim and wants to cushion all the blows and protect her (which in my mind hes actually doing more damage....hes not helping her) he wants to be the getaway the good time and doesnt ground her although he will discuss her behavior and Express his concerns what i see happening is she will respond with well I'm sorry and simply find a band aid phrase to rectify the problem (in this case "well just have my piggy bank") and he smiles Pat's her head and says well no sweetie and tries to end the discussion. What's happening is shes not properly learning a lesson and sadly I see it changing her and she is still acting out. It's hard to see this and when I try to Express what I'm seeing he agrees a bit but gets on her defensive "well look at how her mother is with her....no proper bedtime no rules etc" its alot of excuses and I told him when she comes here we have rules and our house is a certain way. I think its fair that all 4 kids in this house follow the same rules or else there will be resentment. Is it safe to say that she can adapt to our home? She has to with school. She will have to eventually get used to going to work and going by other rules...but anyway the more I end up getting involved and putting my heart into it the more I feel like I'm not really getting anywhere.
Would he do any kind of
Would he do any kind of counseling or parenting classes with you? He does need to see that what he's doing now makes HIM feel better (ie, he feels like a loving dad who is helping his poor pitiful daughter), but he's damaging her in the long-term. That the proper response to her having a poor mother is for him to be a strong father who teaches her what she needs to know to be a successful adult. What he's doing now is just as selfish as what her mother does by putting her in front of electronics all day and not parenting her. Love isn't enough. Kids need to learn life skills to be healthy adults.
Maybe someone else other than you telling him that would make it sink in.
I'm wondering if we could
I'm wondering if we could maybe find a parenting counselor or something I would have to really search resources. Perhaps my family doctor? I've not encountered these situations I mean I was single parenting and working and running the home prior to becoming a blended family and I can see why so many say it is difficult with different parenting styles. You're right though at the end of the day someone needs to guide dad ...an unbiased person who probably expresses things alot better than I do. Shes 7 now let's figure it out before shes 14 and taking his bank card and telling him screw you. Thank you for the reply
A good therapist for SD would
A good therapist for SD would help with parenting issues (make sure they work with the whole family and not just the kid), but that would mean BM's involvement, which you may be wanting to avoid, perhaps. The doctor would be a good place to start.