I can't stress it enough. Because if not this will wear away at your relationship. I hear this same complaint (believe it or not) from my sons' SM. My exH doesn't want to go to counseling. They argue over the kids a lot and it concerns me greatly (plus they each tell me their side and that is a bit awkward.)

DH and I have been open and honest and back each other up. The only time I tell him to back off is when he yells (he was a major in the Army and can YELL!) I don't yell (that is scream at) my SD and have requested he doesn't yell at the boys. So every once in a while he does go off and I simply say, "Go for a drive please" and he does. Then I correct them for whatever he went off about. I actually do this for his daughter at times too. He's just too scary screaming loud at times (very rarely - don't want to paint a bad picture.)

I "yell" but not as loud. I think I over correct too. But like I said, we would never counter correct in front of the other parent.

We will not let the children "divide and conquer" the parents!
Peace, love, and red wine

Zenmom is absolutely right about the divide and conquer environment that you and DW are setting up. Counseling would be a huge gift for both of you, but only if DW is willing obviously. If she doesn't even see a problem, then that's a whole other issue.

I've read that step-parents without their own children can be especially strict b/c they don't really grasp the parent/child bond. It's incredibly deep, this huge well of love that parents get for their own children. Does it make them lax in discipline in the step-parents' eyes? Sometimes.

In my 11 years as a step-parent, there were many times I didn't agree with my DH in how he disciplined (or in most cases, didn't) the kids. I learned what was important to enforce and what wasn't, based on his lead. I didn't like it, but they were his kids. I don't want to sound as though I didn't care, I just respected the bond of parent/child.

That's what I learned. They are her kids and she has the right to rear them however she sees fit. IF she won't consider counseling, then your job will be to determine what you will and won't tolerate in your home. Hurting themselves and others for example. Lying and stealing for example. You know, the really important values to live by so we rear quality human beings.

Define what is "out of control" and what is "kids being kids." Once you determine what you can let go and let MOM deal with (or not) then you'll gain some peace in this.

Choose your battles, don't expect too much from kids, and in all other things, follow her lead. Otherwise, you'll just come out as the mean ole step-dad and while your motivation is justified, i.e., to rear responsible children, your tactics may not be well accepted without her support.

So, counseling first, otherwise choose your battles for the really important issues and let the rest go.

Same situation over here. My husband lets me raise the children. I fought and still fight hard battles about that. He is the type "I don't care what they do as long as they don't bother me." He thinks they are just kids and I shouldn't be so strict to them. I actually had to sit down with him and feed it to him in little bites why I act the way I do. After that accepted it, but doesn't really back me up neither. But I told husband and BM that I will quit raising their kids if I just get bitched at and don't find any support. It is not our job to raise the kids! I do it because they live 80 % in my house and I need structure especially with a little baby around.
So if you don't get any backup from your wife, just discipline them on stuff that messes up YOUR structure and life. Leave the rest to her. They have to respect you! They live under your roof!