PLEASE HELP.... im new here
Let me give a little history first. Met and married hubby 5 yrs ago, we are both 47, he moved in with me and my son 21, in our 2 bedroom house.We both work FT. I met hubby just after he had a brief affair with a woman that resulted in a child, the child is 4/half, i can count on one hand the number of times we saw his child the first yr we were married. BM got married had another child then hubby got this child EOW and 1 wd, I was fine with that. We have had a wonderful marriage, we do everything togeather,we sleep when we want eat when we want, make love when we want and take off EOW when we want, that is what middle age people do,except when the child came for visits,so unless we made plans to take the child to the park,ect. i just backed off and let him be a daddy for the wkend. we have little money we just make ends meet, we have always created our own cheap fun!
this past month the BM decided that daddy should take and raise the child,this happened one day while I was at work and I come home to find that the child is here,for good.. I cannot even begin to tell how upsetting this is to our/my life. I feel completely cheated out of the rest of my life! Hubby is now consumed with the child, he gets up and hour earlier every day to get the child up and to babysitter that we cannot afford, they come home,play for a bit, eat, then bath time, then bed and the child is sleeping in our BR cause there is no other room. Needless to say our love life is pretty much nonexistant now. No we cannot afford to move. We have no togeather time anymore,no wkend runaways, no nothing, I feel like my hubby has been stolen from me. I had to attend a function on my own because it was not for children, I haven't done anything without hubby in 5 yrs!!!
Yes, I feel for this child, I know the child is not to blame. But my feelings of resentment are consuming me, I hate comming home anymore. i want to move out of my own house!! And hubby is resenting me for not accepting his child. I NEVER in a million yrs thought the child would be sent to live here... We will be in our 60's when this child graduates!!!
My life is falling apart, Im so sad and depressed I just don't care about much of anything these days.
Has anyone ever dealt with this before? I love hubby with all my heart, I know Im hurting him by not being the step mom he'd like his child to have.. i feel like a beast for not just loving this child but I don't! All I feel is cheated out of my life that I have known and loved for the last 5 yrs and the life I was looking forward to...
I'd appreciate any advice on this matter...
Hang in there
First of all, let me say that if you are feeling that depressed, please seek some help. I suffer from depression and without medical assistance, I could not make it. Now, I have felt the exact same way as you. When my husband and I first moved in together (into mine and my daughter's home)we had joint custody of SD. We arranged for visitations of SD and BD to occur at the same time so we had our own time. Things were great, until we got a call from BM's probation officer to go pick up SD because BM was strung out on meth and going to prison again. Since then we have had her constantly. We have no family to babysit so our time is gone. I was angry, resentful, depressed, hateful and even came to the point of telling my husband that he needed to send SD away to the BM family to live. I tore his heart apart many times and turned my back on an innocent four year child who just deserved a family. It is very hard to accept change, but look deep into your heart and think about all of the joy you biological child brought you as he grew up and imagine how it would have felt to have to have been away from him. If BM walked away, then that child is exactly where he needs to be. You are blessed to have a man that stepped up to the plate and accepted responsibilty. Maybe your husband needs a gentle reminder that he is still husband too though. Maybe a babysitter once a week so you guys can have a date night. Maybe you could help him out a little more with SS to show your acceptance. Try embracing the child instead of finding the downsides. I know because I was you six moths ago. Good Luck
She Can't Just Determine Custody On Her Own
First let me say what a horrible woman the bm must be. Also the child custody must go thru the court, but to drop the child off like that and your husband accepting that would be very upsetting. imo I think you should have taken the child right back before it got this far. Since that did not happen I think you both need to start court hearings, and figure out what you want to do. Really the marriage won't stay together if he's not considering your feelings, but you really have to be honest at this point and tell him you cannot accept a child full time. Start there and maybe you both can share custody, but right now you need to get in contact with the BM. Don't leave it to your husband, apparently he dropped the ball there.
Its a little shocking that your husband would do that, but all you can do now is correct it. In the meantime drop the child back off at the mothers.
Uh, how much CS is she paying?
If your answer to that is ZERO, then by all means contact your local office for Child Support Enforcement and start the process to get her paying CS. One of two things will happen, if she's not already paying... she'll either come take the kid back or you'll start getting some extra $$$ to help absorb some of the cost of moving into a larger place.
Why is your adult child still living with you? Any chance he'll be on his way out soon?
~ Anne ~
We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.