No favorites
I'm posting here as you all seem to understand how I feel.
DH had three kids/three moms when I met him. He only told me that he had two.
He favors the middle child. The oldest he hardly ever sees and is never invited to family events. The youngest he never sees. Most people don't know that child exists.
He always spends time with the middle child. He has a regular visitation schedule, takes him places, and is a parent. He sometimes acts like more important than ours.
The problem is that DH bitches about how I don't love his child, won't watch him when DH wants more time, and I don't try to be a mom to him.
My take is this if DH can decide which onces of his kids he wants to connect to then so can I. If I don't critique his relationship with his kids than he should make no comment about my relationship with his kids.I'm nice to all of them but I don't feel the need to include some and not others.
My focus is our biokids. DH and his exes can handle theirs.
Yes, I encourage HIM to be
Yes, I encourage HIM to be active in all their lives. He has a great bond with the middle child. He tries sometimes with the other two but I know he doesn't work as hard as he does with the middle one.
I don't interfere much when it comes to his kids. My main issue was when he tried to move his middle child in with me. Which meant I was totally responsible for him (finanicailly, caretaking, cooking, etc) while he and BM got off scott free. I told him that wouldn't fly and he started the crap about my not loving the middle one.
We have an understanding now that since none of the SKS are "mine" and he has the relationship with them that he has then I can be as distant or close to them as I like including his favorite!
You're contradicting
You're contradicting yourself. Your original post says "The problem is that DH bitches about how I don't love his child, won't watch him when DH wants more time, and I don't try to be a mom to him."
Now you say
"We have an understanding now that since none of the SKS are "mine" and he has the relationship with them that he has then I can be as distant or close to them as I like including his favorite!"
So which is it? Does your DH have a problem with your relationship with the skids or not?
He did at one point. Then
He did at one point. Then when I pointed out to him how HE treats them differently he backed off. He no longer mentions it but at the time he made a big deal out of it.
I'm asking here to see again if mt reasoning was so off.
It is fine for me not to be close or very interested in any of his kids as he picks and chooses which ones he wants to parent?
Okay, so here is how you
Okay, so here is how you should word your post:
"I'm posting here TO SEE IF MY REASONING IS OFF OR NOT.
DH had three kids/three moms when I met him. He only told me that he had two.
He favors the middle child. The oldest he hardly ever sees and is never invited to family events. The youngest he never sees. Most people don't know that child exists.
He always spends time with the middle child. He has a regular visitation schedule, takes him places, and is a parent. He sometimes acts like more important than ours.
DH USED to bitch about how I don't love his child, won't watch him when DH wants more time, and I don't try to be a mom to him.
AM I RIGHT IN THINKING THAT if DH can decide which ones of his kids he wants to connect to then so can I? I FEEL THAT if I don't critique his relationship with his kids then he should make no comment about my relationship with his kids.I'm nice to all of them but I don't feel the need to include some and not others.
My focus is our biokids. DH and his exes can handle theirs. SO AM I RIGHT OR NOT FOR THINKING THIS WAY?"
See - the post changes from saying "I have a problem with my DH and how do I fix it" to "AM I RIGHT OR NOT FOR THINKING THIS WAY?"
You'll get advice and answers for what you are REALLY looking for if you word it that way.
Well, excuse me for trying to
Well, excuse me for trying to be helpful, lostinthemadness.
The way OP worded her original post was very confusing and seemed as if she was looking for advice on how to deal with her DH. This is the second post she's done like this.
I guess she'll just continue to get the wrong advice.
See, that's the problem. You
See, that's the problem. You thought that OP was asking how to handle her DH. But after a couple of posts she says
"We have an understanding now that since none of the SKS are "mine" and he has the relationship with them that he has then I can be as distant or close to them as I like including his favorite!"
So when I ask her which is it- does her husband a problem or not she says oh no, "He no longer mentions it but at the time he made a big deal out of it. I'm asking here to see again if my reasoning was so off."
Not asking how to deal with my husband - but am I wrong for thinking this way? Two different questions.
Yeah, you're right. I see
Yeah, you're right. I see now that instead of trying to show the OP how to word her post I should have just said "Well, then why didn't you ask that in the first place?"
This isn't the first time she's done this- another time she posted about her husband and lets everyone think that he's not working and wants her to watch the kids, THEN after everyone posts all this advice she says "Oh, no I put a stop to that, I don't watch his kids anymore and he's working now. I just wanted to know if I was crazy or not for thinking this way" :jawdrop:
http://steptalk.org/node/84388
I guess I got carried away trying to help her be more clear with her posts. I'll butt out now.
I think I'm being clear. We
I think I'm being clear. We compromised after many arguments. He thought I should be close to and shower hhis favorite with attention. I'm not doinh that. He can pick and choose and so can I.
I want to spend all my time exclusively with my kids so he can get his kids when he is home.
The biggest issue was his feeling that it was okay to only pick up his favorite for family functions and not even invite the other two. My thing is that if he has that attitude then when I. Tell him to take his favorite with him when he leaves since I want to be alone with my kids it shouldn't be an issue.
Yes newwife3! There you go.
Yes newwife3!
There you go. He was always saying oh I have him this weekend or I'm. Going to get him Thursday. I thought you were busy this weekend? Superbowl party, helping a friend move? No, then you need either take your child or don't get him.
Many of the stances I took were based on his having three kids. So I told him unless he was able to pay his CS for all three then none of them could live with us. Unless, he invites all of them to our anniversary party and makes an effort to help them get here then no he cannot leave in the middle to pick his favorite up.
It is my making sure again that I'm not evil and crazy!
He was being a butt about it.
He was being a butt about it. I mean he even went as far as to draw up a schedule with BM for visitation for days he wasn't home AND tell me about it after. You know. I had him get a sitter. Sure did while I was right here with my kids. Looking back I jsust had a thought about whether I was too harssh.