I didn't even consider that because she'll be moving so far away.

I have never thought that about him in ten years but I have to admit I'm starting to wonder how much his own comfort is the thing that pushes him these days.

Wow. Harsh but very wise words. Thank you.

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That's a scary thought but you sound like you're talking from experience. His rationale is that his ex will finally make a life for herself and we can be more free... So he's doing it "for us". (??!!)

No, definitely not sending him money. Have been supporting him to meet his child support payments for years (indirectly) so I'm done with being an economic crutch.

In my heart I know that this is a man crippled by guilt and he needs to spend this period with his kids to try and 'make it up to them'. The sad thing is that this will not take away his guilt. It will follow him forever until he faces up to it, that's my opinion. Right now, he's seeing a golden opportunity to use his ex-wife's job search up north as a chance to spend some time playing full-time daddy back at home and clearly resents the hell out of me because I'm the one standing in the way of that. So it's a lose-lose situation for me. He is driven by his need to escape from his guilt and I don't think he will ever escape it. He left me and moved out because his kids "needed" him because his ex let them get obese. Now that he's been back there a few months, they don't really want to see him and he can see that they don't really need him. It's him who needs them. He admits that.

It's hard to walk away when you know that he's a good person and he's not doing any of this to hurt me. But, I suffer regardless of whether that's his intention. I know I have to walk away but it's so hard after investing so much in this relationship. There is always the promise that it's going to be so much better soon. But then the guilt drags him down again. He promised to go and see a psychologist over this but it's been a month and he hasn't made an appointment.

I don't visit him. I already feel a little like an unpaid whore at times (excuse my language) because of his lack of commitment so offering a home delivery service is a step too far for me.

I am pretty sure he's not back with his ex. Part of the reason for her going up north is to try and get back together with her boyfriend who now lives and works up there. Also, his home town is VERY small. My daughter lives there and there is no way he would get away with living with his ex.

I honestly believe he is a torn man. I don't think there is a hidden agenda other than him desperately wanting to seize the chance of spending this time with his kids, playing Daddy for a while and hoping he will find the peace he is looking for away from his guilt. I don't understand the guilt but I try to comprehend it, if that makes sense. At this stage, the biggest problem is that he really does feel he can have it all and, of course, he only thinks that because I have let him believe that by accepting him back into my life on his terms. I have told him that there is an abusive dynamic in the relationship. The gas-lighting thing is BIG!!! But I also think that it takes two people to create an abusive dynamic. So I am as much to blame by accepting it.

The sad thing is that he hasn't even bothered to cushion the blow by offering to help me out financially with the money he'll be saving by living in the ex marital home (he won't have to pay child support because he'll be caring for the kids) and he'll live rent-free because he already pays the mortgage on the place anyway. It's like he's not even BOTHERING to sell the idea to me. I feel like I have created a monster that feels so safe in my weakness, that he doesn't even bother trying to talk me round. I might copy and paste that and send it to him.

"...in the toxic mess of his shallow and polluted gene pool in his home town."

I am not so bothered about the house. It does disturb me, the thought of him sleeping in their old bed, contacting me from their old dining table, etc. (I'm human) but it's not the main thing. It's him playing happy families when it's not even necessary. Deep down I know that he has offered to do this. His ex probably didn't even suggest it. The kids, in my view, don't need to stay behind until "she gets settled'. They're not babies. I have moved a lot with kids, mainly because of my relationship with SO, and where I go, my kids go. It's not ideal to move kids but they come with me because I have custody. When I moved to a new town, I found properties online, went to visit and sign contracts in a two-day period and drove back to get my kids on the third day.

It's the fact that this is such a big step backwards for us when he has promised to move back in with me "as soon as he finds a job" here He sat in church with me and made a huge deal of promising "in front of God" two months ago that he would never put anything before our relationship again, that he would prioritise his life with me and my kids. Now, all of a sudden his ex gets it into her head to move north and I am told "you'll have to wait". Our life is on hold. I have spent six months in limbo. My employers have said that they will do their best to find an opening for him over the next six months. They will NOT give him a second chance if he's still tied up in his home town looking after his kids.

And this is also about a decision like this being taken by SO and his ex without ANY consultation with me. No attempt to talk it through, see how I feel about it. It was presented as "this will probably happen soon".

I have to do some soul-searching about why it bothers me so much. I'm not against questioning my insecurities, as you pointed out...bed, coffee maker, etc. But it's a bigger trust issue. He has let me down so much lately. I feel like I have no idea whether his kids will turn around and say they don't want to join his ex in the north. He would love that. I think he is hoping deep down that it might happen. And I'd be out of the picture. I have been given no indication as to how long this could go on. It could be a week. I have no problem with that. It could be a month. I could cope with that, marital home or not. What I can't cope with is being told it's "as long as it takes". Dangling like an idiot.

As you can see, there is a lot of history. We have a very intense relationship and in many ways we are both blinded by that. He wants to be able to have everything. What hurts the most is that he doesn't even acknowledge how hard this will be for me. there is no "I know this is going to be hard for you and I understand why because I would feel the same if the roles were reversed, but I really need to do this for my kids and I promise you we will be together again as soon as we can". No, I'm made to feel like some crazy jealous insecure person for daring to state that "I can't get my head around it".