I'm stumped. This child is 4 years old. You've been in his life for over 3 years and hate his guts. You are a grown woman.

You chose to have a child with a man whom you love but do not respect because he is a poor parent.

It sounds as if the only thing to do is to change "you." Perhaps learn some new skills or discover new ways to perceive the situation. So, my suggestion is to find a good private therapist and some books on parenting in a step-family situation.

You're not alone in experiencing all the mixed & icky feelings of step-life. Good luck.

"I will never leave my partner as I love him and i refuse to share another child between two homes as my ex and I do with DS."

It may come to not being a choice you get to make. This child is four years old. He's not going away. You try pushing this child out or you and your older son start doing the 'we hate this kid' bit, it may turn out to be your DH leaving you.

He gets the four year old about eight or so days a month. Your DH is use to only having limited access to one child. What makes you think he won't decide he can get just as use to seeing his youngest son on the same limited basis?

Speaking of having at least eight days a month with his oldest child, it gives your DH plenty of time to work harder at being a proper parent and role model to his son. It is not the older child's fault your DH works and is gone from the home for so many hours. It's also not the child's fault you and your Dh get such seldom alone time. If the kid didn't come every weekend you would still have the baby all the time and you would still have your older son during the times that child doesn't go to his biological father. How often does your older son go to his father? Is it also every weekend? Every other weekend?

This SS has nothing to do with how often or how little your DH sees the baby the 22 days a month your DH doesn't have visitation with his oldest son. Nothing. Honest question. Why were you perfectly ok with the parenting your Dh did from age one (when you got together with your DH) until the point you decided the kid was just the most terrible creature on earth?

The kid pees on floor and poops himself. The kid doesn't wash his hands. Why isn't your husband reminding and teaching the child. That's what parents do. These things didn't come from being a 'spoilt' child. No. And if you're such a "germ phob" where was your concern about the lack of parenting your husband has the two years prior to your new little bundle? And your comment about not being your kid, you are not cleaning it up? Why would you? Where is the child's father? Why hasn't this child been toilet trained by his father who has him at least eight days a month?

And if weekend days are the only time either child ( your SS AND the baby) really get to see their father, why would it surprise you that there is turmoil over who gets to see and get Daddy's attention? Both kids are starved for their father's time and attention. An believe it or not, or I suppose, like it or not, your baby is no more deserving of time and attention from the father than the man's older child is. Dad needs to teach his children to interact together. Of course the four year old is jealous. Give your little one a couple more years and you'll find he too is jealous of the older child.

I suspect this has all gone on too long for any quick fixes. Have you thought about counseling? Marriage counseling , counseling for the four year old and counseling for yourself as an individual to work out your own feelings?

What would happen if you take a morning off to yourself one weekend (one when your own oldest son is at his father's) and leave Dad home to tend to his two children?

I stopped reading when you stated you hate your SS and he's only 4,,,,,,

4 year olds can be taught the right way, if he was 14 I would say go ahead and disengage... but 4 years old?
Sorry this marriage is not going to last

Hmmm, so you are making excuses for a grown man yet you are not cutting a 4 yr old any slack.
Your SO needs to grow up and man up.He needs to parent his son and teach him that no longer is he allowed to poo his pants. If he does he will be put into pull-ups and SO will take him to the toilet every hour on the hour until Mr4 gets it. SO will make sure his son washes his hands and why. All the behavior can be corrected IF his father really wants a better life for his son. Or is he of the "ocker mindset that raising kids is a sheila's job".

Your SO has to love his son more than he hates his ex. Blaming her for everything is unfair especially when SO has no idea what goes on in her home. He agreed to having his son every weekend and you knew this. So of course there is a battle for attention for DH on the weekend.

This is so much more than Mr4 being badly behaved and you hating him. He is little and only behaving the way he always has. This is about SO stepping up and raising his son into a fine young man. Right now he procrastinates and that is not doing anything to fix this situation.

I hate my stepson with a fury I didn’t think was possible.. He is only four years old and every time I think about how much hate I have for this little person I feel awful but I just can’t help it!

His father spoilt him rotten after the spilt between him and the BM, always wanting to be the ‘fun parent’ never saying no so he wouldn’t cry. Now you can’t so no to him about anything!

BM is very intobher social life so we have him every single weekend. I have had three weekends alone with him since we got together. And he works late most nights so we don’t get much time together as it is and now that we have a baby of our own it’s not fair that he never gets time with his dad.

Whenever i look at SS all I see is a lazy, rude and filthy boy, like a germ that has just walked into my house! I once walked in on him peeing in the lounge room on the carpet!! He still constantly poos himself every weekend! And excuse me but not my son, not cleaning it up! And if I don’t remind him he never washes his hands after going to the toilet. I’m a massive germ phob and I cringe every time he goes near my LO. I just don’t want him to touch him or be anywhere near him. And he is obsessed with his private parts and has gotten into trouble at preschool for being rude. And I just don’t want that sort of influence over my own children.

That's how you're identifying the feelings - but that's not really the case I think.... it's more that you're placing the resentment on SS, because he's at the core of the issue.... the REAL issue is that you hate the way he behaves. You hate that his father spoils him... you hate that he's dirty, rude, filthy, hate that he still behaves like a puppy who's not housebroken, and has private part germ hands...

None of those things are the boy's fault - but all of those things are behaviors not corrected by the parents...

every single one of the child's behaviors is one that can be improved or ignored by the parent.

You don't hate the boy, you hate that the father is allowing the boy to be that way. You hate that the father is not trying to improve the boy's behavior.

Identify the feelings properly, it will be much easier to deal with them.

You hate that the kid still poos himself... why does he? because he's got an issue, or because he's allowed to? For many kids that potty train that late in life, it's an attention thing. He gets dad's attention, every time. He's in control of the situation, because he has the power to make everything stop and revolve around him, even if only for a few minutes. That's NORMAL - kids are master manipulators by nature... the bigger problem is that dad allows him to be.

MOST IMPORTANT:you are projecting the anger you feel at the situation on this 4 year old child. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!
You CAN discipline a toddler who is in your house (dont even ask just do if your hubs starts on you do not say anything but continue with the discipline- this can blow up easily but it will at least lead to A result instead of the impasse u are experiencing now)

If above is too dramatic for you:

1.take a weekend off for yourselves(no children
2.agree on what boundaries to put on the ss4(ummm peeing on the carpet ...Hello....)
3.agree on some behaviors that you would like to instill in thia young child and on the conaequences for misbehaving
4.If DH does not follow thru then you start doing what his 4 year old is doing...if he says ANYTHING you just resoond by ignoring him/responding as his son would
If the above does not work maybe suggest some family counseling

Clearly he does not respond to verbal cues
Then you scoop him up and put him at the dinner table
He cries-ignore
Tries to leave you scoop him up again
Have you set "house rules"-do so now

Ok...YOU take SS and give him a shower
A lot of times children poop themselves bc afraid or uncomfortable(plly he is uncomfortable juat like you)
This child is engaging in a power struggle with you. You need to show him you are in control.(experiment a little: calmly works for some kids,forceful,

Ok...YOU take SS and give him a shower
A lot of times children poop themselves bc afraid or uncomfortable(plly he is uncomfortable juat like you)
This child is engaging in a power struggle with you. You need to show him you are in control.(experiment a little: calmly works for some kids,forceful,

I shower and scrub SS6 sometimes-hubs does it most times(SS likes to play in the mud outside and in Summer we sometimes hose him off clothes and all-- he thinks it is great fu lol)
When SS6 was 4 he would jump in bath with me(yes naked as jaybird carying toys in his arms to play with in the bath). His mom still bathes with him naked sometimes but at our house he bathes on his own.
I would never bathe/shower SS12 bc preteen hello

Do not hate the child. Hate the parents for allowing their child to be "lazy, rude and filthy".