New here....mostly venting, maybe some whining lol
Hi, glad I found this site and I'm already feeling some relief after reading your posts. I'm 40 with one BD11 and my DH (since this April) has two grown sons and 5, yes 5, adopted children 10, 8, 7, 5 and 3. My DH has primary custody of SD10 and SS8. BM has primary custody of SD7, SS5 and SD4. They currently live 6 hours away. Visitation is basically a weekend every 3 weeks with mixed holidays and a month in the summer. I don't know the 3 little ones hardly at all and our home is foreign to them. Our month with all the kids started last week. They are good skids but there are added things to deal.... with 3 are on ADHD meds, 1 is on meds to help control emotions, SD7 and SS5 still wet and sometimes poop the bed and SS5 has some sort of anxiety that causes him to vomit at least once the first couple days he's here and usually more than that. Additionally, BM hates the thought of me (we've never met and I assume it's jealously) and uses every opportunity to tell the skids how their dad is trying to replace her with me and talk bad about us to them. Finally, DH is way more relaxed with his parenting while I'm very rule orientated and less patient and that causes issues with us.
I don't even know what advice I need...maybe just a sympathetic ear. Yes, I thought I knew what I was getting into but I was fooling myself if I'm honest. This is way harder that it looks. My husband is great and he does try hard. I'm not used to the mess and the noise and drama and probably more an introvert than not. I like an orderly, peaceful house haha. I really want to grow to love these kids and be a positive influence in their lives. I know I'm the main obstacle but not sure how to get out of my own way. I'm trying to do too much, have to tone down my expectations and lessen my need to control the household. They are his kids and I need to let him parent.
Thanks for reading my story....go easy on me.....trust me I'm hard enough on myself.
Nicole
Prayers to you because you
Prayers to you because you are in an extremely difficult situation. The children sound like they have alot to deal with as well because they have issues and also did not ask for this. First, if you can afford it I would try to get someone in a few days a week while they are visiting to help you with the chores. If you can't afford it then make things as simple as possible--paper plates, simple meals, and insist on structure with DH regarding bedtime, schedules, and some things that you insist you need in place. He is in no position to argue given the load you have taken on. Make sure you have someone to vent as this is a thankless position, this Stepmom thing and by the way, when they get old enough they are probably going to distance from you and will not appreciate your efforts. Therefore, try not to bond..lol..but true. DO not over indulge with gifts, money, etc. It backfires and they resent it. Good luck.
Wow. That's a WHOLE lot of
Wow. That's a WHOLE lot of kids. I would have run away from that situation as soon as I was aware of it!
Anyway, good luck. Vent away.
Thank you for your comments!
Thank you for your comments!
that's a crap load of kids!
that's a crap load of kids! my little brother is adopted and has ADHD, every kid is different but checklists help in a HUGE way for him. If he is given a small chore (he seriously can not focus for super long unless it's on a video game) then he gets a check mark or sticker on the board multiple good marks=reward. the reward usually = some screen time or a small amount of $. he gets good marks for manners, and eating all his food (super picky eater)
In my experince kids crave structure and balance it you and your husband can set up some kind of routine to help with all the crazy maybe the next visit will get easier. all of the younger kids might buy into the checklist idea and think it's fun
Get some kitchen gloves and have the step kids that wet the bed change and clean their own bedding. We used to do that with my brother not shame him just say "I'm sorry that happened I'll show you how to clean that up". along with a good mattress protector an some febreeze!
hang in there!
Wow, you are a lot better
Wow, you are a lot better woman than me...
He is a fortunate man that you ever considered this situation. Most women would have looked just the number and sprinted.
Make certain you take time for yourself, this is more than any one person can handle. Reach out for extra support and get it....