How do you disengage when you have physical custody?
I'm new to step talk and I see a lot about the SM disengaging, which I used to be able to do when the skids lived with their BM, but now that we have full physical custody (awarded emergently by the courts in April) and they live under our roof full time how do I do this? How do I raise our boys one way and let him handle the girls another? Granted they are teenagers and our boys are 4 and 8, but I can't stand it! I expect certain attitudes and actions from our boys how do I explain to them that I can't make their sisters (as they are half-sisters) do the same? The hubby's excuse is the girls don't know any better because they weren't raised that way....they were raised at all by the absentee BM, so how do I save my sanity?!?
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The hubby's excuse is the
The hubby's excuse is the girls don't know any better because they weren't raised that way
Bull shit! This is what my dumb ass DH used to say to me all the time in regards to SD16 and look where we are now. Speaking from experience here, I tried to pussy foot around this for 2 years, when I did dare say something DH and I would have blow outs because we were fighting against each other instead of being a team. The moment that we became a team (it took a counselor to help us out with that) things fell into place and let me tell you SD16 did NOT like it. Oh well, too bad, so sad, YOU are the adult, this is YOUR house too. You need to sit down with your DH and you need to DEMAND that you agree on rules and boundaries for ALL kids and stick to them.
Teenagers certainly know the difference between right and wrong. Teenagers certainly know how to follow simply instructions. You can't use the old "when in Rome excuse" because it doesn't go both ways. YOU do not live and act like BM does, so while in YOUR home, the girls need to live and act as is appropriate for YOUR home.
They are not half sisters; a
They are not half sisters; a half sibling must share one of the parents. They are step sisters and rules are good for everyone: I would make a list, post it on the fridge and have it enforced. If DH or SSkids refuse to comply, they may as well clean after them, buy their own supplies, clothes, hygiene products, cook...
What? All of these kids have
What? All of these kids have the same father, which is the OP's husband.
Yes, he had 2 kids from his
Yes, he had 2 kids from his first marriage and then got divorced. We met, got married and had 2 children ourselves. I am the girls' stepmom but the boys' bio mom. My husband is father to all kids.
They are half siblings. They
They are half siblings. They share the same dad. I did not have kids from my prior marriage and my boys are OUR boys.
What are yoy talking
What are yoy talking about???? All of the kids in the OP have the same father so they are half siblings.
I know there are some people outthere who do not believe kids with same father but different mothers are siblings. I will never be able to understand the logic or science behind that line of thinking.
I got some great advice from
I got some great advice from another poster here regarding how to answer your boys when they say "But SD gets to..."
Different moms, different rules.
As for disengaging, above poster is right. Disengaging is about removing your emotional investment in these girls. They're not going to turn out right unless they're patented by a parent. If your DH isn't willing to do that, keep their behaviors out of your face as much as possible.
The girls are teenagers,
The girls are teenagers, trust me, they know better.
And if your DH wants to claim that they don't, well, it's time they learn.
All of the kids should have the same rules, adjusted appropriately for age. Disrespect, bad manners, and bad attitudes should not be accepted at ANY age.
I just don't think I could disengage had SD lived under my roof. Hell, I didn't disengage completely EOWE (but she was well behaved and did what she was told). My DH parented her but I still put in my 2 cents when I felt like it.
If the girls had an absentee BM, they need some structure. They may resist it but your DH needs to be the parent.
"SD14, you don't have to
"SD14, you don't have to listen to her."
Oh man, those would have been fighting words had my DH said that to me, in my own house. He never would have disrespected me like that, in front of his daughter, especially.
I feel bad for those of you with such clueless DHs and such badly behaved step kids. I was pretty lucky in that regard.
I would say they girls are
I would say they girls are well mannered...SD13 I have no problems with. I think she's a little too disengaged from the family but she is slowly coming around to family time. DH does tell them the house rules and sort of enforces them...unfortunately he is parenting with a huge amount of guilt because he didn't fight sooner for custody. So he feels like he owes them or something. He has gotten better because SD16 constantly brings up the "you were never there" excuse constantly to make him feel guilty and he finally told her one day that she was being mean and he's not going to sit there and take it. In DH defense, he is an active duty Marine that has deployed time after time after time, so no court was going to give him custody unless he had solid proof that their mom was unfit, and without the cooperation from family in Texas he had no proof up until recently. He has always flown home to see them when we could afford it and we've had them in the summers when he wasn't deployed and he's always provided financial and medical support for them...though she never used the CS on them or took them to the dr...that was on me to take them to the dentist, force the BM to get braces put on (2 years later), and finally got SD16 diagnosed with thyroid problems that will require lifetime medical care that BM will not provide....anyways I am getting off subject. DH is slowly coming out of the guilty parenting but I too get the your being mean comment whenever I bring up subjects that are irritating me. I try to point out that I am the same way with our boys but because it is about his girls all of a sudden I am being mean and judgmental.....
Parenting out of guilt is not
Parenting out of guilt is not good for ANYBODY.
He is there now and he owes it to them to be a parent, not a guilty parent. We cannot make up for the past, we just have to go forward. It's like people trying to "catch up" on their sleep. Sleeping 2 more hours today does not make me less tired yesterday, yesterday's gone.
My SD23 likes to try to guilt my DH sometimes. He has had moments where he has felt a little guilty but for the most part, he sees it for what it is, her trying to manipulate him.