new here
Good morning! I have been reading these posts for about 6 months and decided its time to post...I am with my SO for almost three years. I have three kids (16,14,9) and he has one daughter 14. Most of our fights over the past three years have been because of his daughter...She would change plans all the time and as a result he would change our plans and he always let her get away with it..He babied her, she didn't have to clean up after herself or help him out at all...Pretty much always got her way...We moved in together in November after I sold my house...I have my kids one week on two and he has her mixed throughout the week...It worked out ok for about a week and then she had a fit..Didn't want to come back, wasn't talking to anyone and was staying with her mom...We gave her space and he kept taking her out just the two of them, which I didn't think was very helpful for the situation...We fought about her ALOT...My SO and I finally went to seek help and the doctor we saw echoed everything I had said...We were the adults, we had to be in control not the 14 year old. He had to put me first and stop empowering her...He had to take back control..We had a family meeting with all four kids and laid down the expectations, chores and schedules..At that point she was coming when she felt like it and we never knew what was going on...We said she had to come back to 50/50 like it was before..She admitted she hated me and my kids being there and said the only thing that would fix it was to have her dad and her back to the way it used to be...We both tried to reason with her and to help her see that we had the right to be happy and that we got to make the grown up desisions.She didn't like that and said she was going to live with her mom...That was two months ago..SO has been sending texts and reaching out to her to try and rebuild and she blocked him and ignored him and doesn't want anything to do with him...She didn't even call him on his birthday....In my opinion they are treating him like some monster because he finally stood up and tried to take back control...Her mom is not helping either...WHile things are much better between us, no more stress and fighting over her all the time, it is killing him and that part breaks my heart... I love this man completely and hate to see this weighing on him.. I have tried to message her and explain that we love her and nothing was done to hurt her it was simply to start fresh with rules for EVERYONE...SHe ignores everything...Any advice?
You are living what most of
You are living what most of us dream of...NO SKID in the picture!
I know/understand that it hurts your DH, I was in the same boat for almost 3 years, skid was not coming on his visits at all (yayy) and now hes back (ugh) and we have had MANY fights and almost breaks-ups in the past few months since he reappeared, but now DH is happy, I am happy that DH is happy but of course his happiness = my misery!
Skids do NOT make ANYTHING easy or pleasant that is for sure, but if you and DH are TRYING to reach out that is ALL that matters. Don't force it, let her stew in her petty bullshit, you and DH have done NOTHING wrong here. She is just mad that she is not getting her way and that is how it should be! Kids are NOT the boss and do not call ANY of the shots, rest assured that you and DH are doing the right thing and give her space and let things work out on their own in their own time. Don't beat yourselves up, you cannot control her, only what you both do, and as long as you both are trying nothing more is needed and can be asked for.
Until then ENJOY your peace of mind and the break from fighting about that brat!
I completely agree...wish he
I completely agree...wish he could see it that way..The way they treat him you would think he was an ax murderer...lol
She is trying to control the
She is trying to control the situation and her parents are allowing it. She doesn't get to say who her dad has a relationship with or when she gets to visit. You are there, your kids are there, that's the way it will be. Your DH needs to insist that she visits on the schedule she is supposed to visit on, even if she behaves like an evil troll when she is there. Otherwise, she will turn this into "Daddy didn't love me enough to make sure I got to see him" and the relationship will be gone forever. Of course if he is fine with her being out of his life, then let it be.
You don't need to message her or try to get thru to her. She resents your presence there, and any contact you make is going to make things worse.
And welcome.
I don't believe your SD
I don't believe your SD should have a choice
Your DH should fight that, she is only 14 and should be made to follow her visitation schedule
I do feel bad for her too, of course she doesn't like having you and your kids there, she was used to having her Dad all to herself and now she has to share, may not be the centre of attention all the time any longer, and may well be feeling really jealous and bitter
That is tough, but she should be not be allowed to run the show or to make decisions like that
Has she been to counseling?
This is a very tough transition for any kid, especially a teenage girl, and she will need help with this adjustment.
Her father needs to find a way to communicate to her that no-one will ever replace her in his heart, however, his heart is big enough to love more than her and that he expects her to visit her father, and to be respectful to his wife and her children
He has told her that from the
He has told her that from the start, that nothing would ever change and she would always be his daughter and no one would ever replace her....
He has told her that from the
He has told her that from the start, that nothing would ever change and she would always be his daughter and no one would ever replace her....
Wow..tell me what you did lol
Wow..tell me what you did lol
Thanks for the replies...It
Thanks for the replies...It helps to talk about it to people who understands...as far as his friends and family are concerned I am the evil one here who has caused all this..
He doesn't blame me but he feels guilty and remorseful and at this point I think he would do almost anything...One of the big points we brought up was that if she choose not to come with us that he wouldn't be doing ANYTHING with her alone, because the idea was to be a family...He has already tried to go off with her and do something however SHE was a brat about it and said no....
I get that he misses her and this is hard but I think she needs to know she doesn't get to make the rules....
97% of our fights were because of her and her behaviour so that part is great...
I get that it is a BIG change for her and we did things slowly and we gave them lots of time to adapt to the idea and even when we first moved in, she made her own decisions from November until Feb when we went to see the phycologist...and no we both asked her to go to counselling and I quote " I wont be told what to do.."
There is no doubt the mother is NOT helping the situation any and is perfectly happy being the good parent and they have both tried to break us up before....
It is very true that it is MUCH less drama in the house and things are more peaceful and we are growing together as a couple and as a family with my kids...I think she just needs a good kick in the butt...LOL
I never had ANY idea how hard this could be and how much trouble one child could make...