New and need advice or understanding, stepkids causing relationship problems
My DH and I both came into our relationship with bio kids. Mine were 15, 12 and 7 at the time and his were 7, 5 and 3. At first, all went ok and I kept a open mind in terms of his ex. My ex isn't the best dad in the world since he doesn't make as much time for his kids as I'd like but we've always maintained a good friendship and put our kids first above personal issues. His ex on the other hand, turned out to be batshit crazy. My DH's kids are naughty. They are rude and just raised by an angry maniac who cannot control her emotions. Despite this, I tried in the begining to have patience.
As soon as the first hint of her being crazy and unstable came into the picture, I backed off spending time around his kids. I don't do drama. I don't let bad energy or negative emotions creep into MY kids lives which is exactly what DH's kids would bring with them every time they were around. Worst of all, she would do crazy stuff like call child welfare and make up stories about abuse that never occured! OMG, after she did that to him, I told him I can never be alone with his kids because I will not risk that she will make up lies regarding kids about me. Can you imagine? I'd be so upset and mortified.
My DH now rarely sees his kids. They come to the house maybe once every six months and I make sure to have errands to run, stuff with my kids to do ,etc. I thought this might work out ok because this way, his kids get his undivided attention when they come and I get time with my kids alone as well.
However, this has caused a lot of anger on my DH's part as he feels guilty for not seeing them as much, blames me for not trying harder and of course, feels protective of me not liking his kids. He says I am blaming his kids for his ex's behaviour.
I understand they are just kids but they are a reflection of how they are raised and all the anger, aggression and poor behaviour they live in at home spills into our home causing absolute misery when they are here. As well, I don't think it's fair of him to ask me o risk the wrath of crazy ex when her actions are not just petty but harmful to our future.
It's become such a stressful topic that now I feel like we can't even discuss it rationally as he's immedietley defensive and argumentative when it gets brought up. I do want it to get better but am unsure what to do?
As well, since my kids are with me 90% of the time, I feel like he's resentful of spending so much time with them when his kids are not really welcome at our home. This puts a dark cloud over a lot of the stuff we do together.
As well, since my kids are so much older and independent I do resent having to deal with his younger (and emotionally immature) kids.
Sorry this is so long. I'm at my wits end and so sad over the rift this is causing in our otherwise happy relationship. Anyone else been in my shoes, have advice?
Hmmmm, he 'gets' to see them
Hmmmm, he 'gets' to see them once every six months. Uh, I can't imagine why he's upset (shrugs)
How would you deal with the shoe being on the other foot? How would you feel if DH booted your 3 kids out off to your ex and you were allowed to have them once every six months (with DH agreeing to be gone during that time so you could have your kids without having to divide attention of course)?
I know you didn't want negative and were seeking advice...but I can find nothing that is going to make this work for you in a happily ever after way.
So, after the accusations of
So, after the accusations of abuse and you not wanting to be alone with his kids (which I don't blame you at all), it was his choice to not have them come over as often? Sounds like he is mad at himself for not being able to handle his ex or parent his badly behaved children.
Well if she has three kids of
Well if she has three kids of her own and the BM has already according to op made false claims of child abuse to child welfare. I would be backing off big time too. She could lose her kids over this. If BM keeps reporting then it's possible OPs kids could be removed from the home until matters are thoroughly investigated. That aside. These are his kids, he wants them in his home. Then be a father, pull them into line, teach them respect and manners and stop blaming BM for their bad behaviour. I don't care what she does in her house it is up to their father to make sure it doesn't happen in his
This excuse but I hardly ever see them I don't want to tell them off when I do, they won't want to come back is just an excuse to be heart lazy when it comes to parenting. This behaviour didn't just happen. If dad had been a hands on parent who disciplined his kids when he saw that during the marriage mum wasn't doing it,,he wouldn't be in this situation now.
If he wants his kids to run wild, fine. If he loves them to death even when they run wild, fine. We all love our kids no matter how bad they are. If he thinks their appalling behaviour is just too cute, fine. If he wants to put up with it to the grave, all good. But, you, me, OP and everyone else on the planet don't need or want to be inflicted with it.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Amen!
Amen!
Last year my DH'S ex
Last year my DH'S ex girlfriend called cps on me saying that I was doing drugs and abusing her kids (5 boy and 3yr old girl)... it rly hurt me to be investigated. Of course, everything was a lie so nothing happened... but I asked the guy in charge of the investigation how I could protect myself from her rising up false reports like that... and he told me that unfortunately, unless I left my DH his ex could file as many reports as she liked and I just had to let the motions go. I refused to be under the govt eyes all the time just bc of some stupid jelous ex girlfriend... I made it very clear to ny DH I wasn't gonna spend any time with his kids if this was to continue. To make the story short, I still see them... but everytime she starts her bs and says anything about me, my DH doesn't pick up the kids until she changes her mind and backs off. My DH worries that he might not be able to see his kids again one day, but he also knows he will never be happy if he ruins our marriage. He also knows God is behind us and their mom has custody for a reason... so
Idk if that helps any
Even with BM squealing abuse,
Even with BM squealing abuse, this father could still see his children on a regular routine schedule. Sure, maybe not in the home, but supervised visitations could be arranged. Unless there is literally a restraining order/order of protection in place there is no excuse to only be seeing his children once every six months.
If he really wants to see his
If he really wants to see his kids, he would find a way without putting you at risk. If he wants you to enjoy (or at least tolerate) his kids, he would teach them about respect and demand it. If he's defensive, it's probably guilt that he doesn't want to put forth the effort to do what needs to be done. Like EBU said, he's a lazy parent. And he's blaming you. How convenient.
I should have been clearer.
I should have been clearer. He sees the kids more often than that just not in our home. Sporting events, trips to the zoo, park etc.
Not quite eow as his job
Not quite eow as his job doesn't always permit it. Their custody agreement states "reasonable access" so there is no set visitation schedule
Candyeye, he says it your
Candyeye, he says it your fault. You need to be more understanding, you need to try harder, you are the adult. You hate his kids, you don't want him to have a relationship with his kids, you look for trouble in everything they do, you make it up, they're not that bad, he didn't hear it or see it, you took it the wrong way blah, blah, blah. It's what these guys do. Lazy cant be stuffed I'm watching tv don't bother me fathers. They know exactly what is going on, but to sort it out would take work and effort on their part, they can't be stuffed so their way to get things their way is to deny, deny,,deny. They lie, they blame others, you, BM. Grandma, kids friends, anyone and everything except themselves. It's nothing to do with them. Everyone else did it. What can he do. Poor diddums is nothing but a victim in this, and YOU, well where is your compassion for this poor hard done by father. He will continue to dump it all on you for as long as you let him.
He married and had children with a bat shit crazy woman. Okay, we all make mistakes, he got her pregnant, well okay we all make mistakes, THEN, he goes and gets her pregnant again, and again. That's plain stupid. But lets say BM tricked him or raped him, stole his semen, whatever. She got pregnant despite him screaming blue murder he didn't want kids. It's all her fault. The kids are here, they are his kids. He decides to leave the lunatic, who is clearly not raising these children properly, and does what. Leaves those kids with her. Hardly the act of a responsible loving father. She is the bat shit crazy one, so we have to assume from that, that he should have been the more responsible parent. He should have been raising those kids during the marriage. Yes, he should have gone to work every day, came home and undone the damage bat shit crazy had done to the kids thought the day. He when he was home should have insisted on manners, respect, basic hygiene and cleanliness. Tough gig, but he chose bat shit and now there are kids and he is the only responsible parent they have. That was his lot in life. Then the marriage ended. Did he take the kids from batshit and fight for them. Apparently not, even then he did not do the right thing by his kids. It was all BMs fault. Yeah right. Nothing to do with him, he's just a victim, I forgot. The option of leaving with the kids, yes he had the option to do that then fight in the courts to keep them, but I guess bat shit wouldn't let him, or he had to work and had no one todare for them, or the courts would've given them to the mother anyway so why even try right. Once again a victim.
First it was BMs fault now it's yours. It will never ever, ever be his.
If he's only seeing his kids a couple of times a year, it's not because of you or the kids or the courts or even bat shit crazy. It's because that is how he wants it. No responsibility, not having to put up with the kids around EOW, not having to do the hard yards as a responsible dad. Now, how to get away with this and make yourself look good. Shit, here's an idea, play the victim, blame everyone else. Tell everyone how tough you've done it and how you don't get to see your kids. Now you don't have to raise your own kids, bat shit does it for you, doesn't matter if she's damaging his kids, he doesn't care, and as an added bonus, PEOPLE PITY YOU. He's got it made. The world will think bat shit is solely responsible for the appalling behaviour of these kids. Nothing to do with him, he had to work. The world will think bat shit wouldn't let him have his kids, and forget he didn't try real hard if at all to get them, hell he's not even fighting tooth and nail for proper visitation. Then on top of all that, he cops you for a wife. An evil stepmother who hates his kids and YOU won't let him see them. What bad luck this poor man has had. It's just heartbreaking.
If he wanted to see his kids, he would, he would see them whenever, wherever and The Lord himself couldn't stop him, let alone you. You are not stopping him from seeing his kids, all you are is the excuse he uses to be a selfish, lazy deadbeat dad and still come out smelling like a rose.
You do not have to accept this from his children. He has to raise them right. Mum is too bat shit crazy to do it. It is not your place to do it, if he as a father stepped up,to the plate,well you should support him, but not parent his kids, that's his place. But dad, well ge can't be stuffed. So point the finger, deny, deny, deny, paint yourself as a victim, then sit own your arse and watch your marriage and kids fail.
DO NOT START TO QUESTION YOURSELF, YOUR DECISION ON THIS, OR BLAME YOURSELF IN ANYWAY. YOU WILL DESTROY YOURSELF IF YOU DO. IT WILL ALL GET WORSE IF YOU DO. SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS AND PUT THE BLAME FAIRLY AND FIRMLY WHERE IT BELONGS. WITH YOUR HUSBAND.
Sorry you posted he was
Sorry you posted he was seeing the kids at other times as I was writing this. Take that out and I stand by the rest
This is my home too. So one
This is my home too. So one of us always feels put out? There must be a better compromise.
And they are emotionally immature because they've never been shown how to process emotions properly or loved properly by their mother not because they are children. My child who is the same age as one if his acts nothing like that.
I'm surprised at being so attacked when others come on here saying they literally hate their step children!
I don't think you've been
I don't think you've been attacked, at least I know in posting myself, my intention was not 'attack'...I could not care less if you 'like' your stepkids or not. Liking your Sks is not an issue for me. It's the not being able to come to a reasonable compromise/solution that works for you all that caused me to say 'I don't see a happily ever after' in your situation.
If you can manage to keep yourself occupied once every six months (running errands and spending individual Mom/kids time with your children, why can't you manage to do that like once a month or every three weeks. Errands are something people do on a monthly if not weekly basis. When you your own children gone to see their father? If you have your kids 90% of the time, that equals roughly 3 days a month (or one weekend a month). Or is it 4 weeks in the summer? Or spring and winter breaks? Obviously which ever it is, your own kids barely leave your own home to give your DH much time to work with if you insist on not 'exposing' the children to each other. Are your children so fragile and their foundation of how they've been raised so their entire sense of right and wrong will be totally erased by an afternoon now and then of having to be in the vicinity of DH's kids? Could you place a nanny cam up to document an afternoon visit so everyone can prove no abuse occurred?
You're not the only Sm out there that has a batshit crazy BM to deal with. Nobody is saying you yourself must be the one to tend to the kids on a visit. But the way things are now, DH is not getting a chance to spend time with the kids but twice a year. No, an afternoon at the zoo (how many times can he take the kids to the same zoo) or at a park (again only so long can Dh keep a kid entertained at a park but an hour or two). At sports events just does not 'count' at all. Dad sitting up in the stands is not spending time with children. But that DH is expected to spend all kinds of quality family time with your kids and do normal family outings causes DH to feel resentful. I can't say I blame him. I wouldn't necessarily term it 'feels guilty' , I'd think it'd be a natural feeling of true resentment and genuinely hurt he is not extended the same opportunities to do this with his own children.
H*ll, if the guy isn't working he has your kids. Don't assume he's feeling guilty...perhaps he's truly hurt and fed up with being expected to play substitute daddy to your kids while being denied his own. IMO if you and Dh don't attempt something like marriage counseling to learn to communicate actual feelings and viewpoints to each other in a meaningful productive way and begin to work out how DH can spend more time with his children this hardship on your relationship is just going to escalate.
I think the issue of BM
I think the issue of BM making false reports alone gives her the right to keep them out of her home. Why should she have to leave everytime he wants his kids there. Why should she live with the fear of false reports. DH and BM made the mess not her. BM apparently isn't capable of fixing it. So until dh does. He needs to see his kids elsewhere.
amen.
amen.
Perhaps others have glossed
Perhaps others have glossed over the false accusations of abuse. That would be a deal breaker for me and I would not be encouraging him to bring the kids home, whether I liked them or not. In fact, I would be encouraging him to have some kind of supervised visits elsewhere.
Was it his own decision to not have the kids at the house as often?
Not being able to talk to him about it makes it very hard to come up with a solution that everybody can live with.
Yes. I can't get past the
Yes. I can't get past the fake abuse allegations. What a psycho.
I have a career that deals with children and requires security checks. If she ever accused me I'd be devastated
Thank you. I just wish my
Thank you. I just wish my husband understood more. He doesn't get how terrified I am that she will make false allegations. It doesn't help that his kids are so bratty and annoying either
Print out these posts and
Print out these posts and leave them laying around, maybe he'll read them and see it's not just you? just an idea }:)
As long as it's not because
As long as it's not because of you that he only sees them every six months (meaning that's all you'll allow him) then he has no reason to be angry at you. They are his kids not yours. His responsibility not yours. As long as he can see them as often and any time he likes as his schedule permits than nothing is stopping him from seeing his kids. He should not resent you for staying out of it he should thank you for allowing him to parent and spend time with his own children
BTW: does he do anything for yours?