Need Guidance
Hi everyone!
I will first start by saying that I'm not part of a blended family yet. My boyfriend and me plan on moving in this summer. I am very old-fashioned and traditional in that want that committment beforehand of marriage and we have discussed. The chances of me being granted a move will also be higher according to my lawyer. I will not even go into my ex drama, but my boyfriend is an amazing man to have stuck by me with all the issues he has caused. However, I will say that my ex is a liar, jerk, & moved within same school district to get 50/50. A GAL saw through him luckily so our parenting plan stayed the same.
My Parenting Schedule:
I have primary for residential and school purposes of my 8-year-old daughter. I have her 5 out of 14 nights & all week day time with her (her dad's nights start at 6pm). Hence, the only time I don't see her for at least 3-hours a day is every other Saturday on his weekends. My ex lives less than a mile away. He also works and lives in the same city.
My Boyfriend's Parenting Schedule:
He shares custoday with his ex-wife having his kids every Monday, Tuesday, and Saturday night. His ex-wife has primary for school purposes. He lives 10-minutes from his 11-year-old boy and girl twins.
The Problem is............
My boyfriend lives in an apartment 50-minutes away in another state and that is without traffic, but with traffic the commute can take 90-minutes or more. I was clear when we started dating a year ago that I could never move to his state. He agreed that he would do the commute to work and it didn't bother him. We are planning on moving closer the the border of our states...15-25 minutes away from my current town.
I am in great need outside non-bias opinions...... :?
First of all even with our relationship now we never have time as a couple to do anything. We never have a full weekend together without kids because he does split weekends with his ex. I told him that this may have worked for him and his ex, but working against our relationship now and don't see how this will work when we live together. We never have a Saturday night to go out together and on are alone Fridays I'm not at his place until 8pm and he never wants to go out. He comes up here on Wednesday nights, but is exhausted and just wants to go to sleep after the commute and having his kids the previous 2-days.
Solutions....
He said that maybe he would keep his apartment in the city for when he had the kids Monday and Tuesday night then the three of them would stay there. The downfalls....My daughter would then just end up seeing her stepsiblings every other Saturday and me every Saturday. We also want another child so with this arrangement his kids would not even know thier half sibling. I also want to spend time with my future husband and have family dinners. It is bad enough he will be leaving work early and coming home late every day. On the positive I am sorrounded by family and friends, but know will miss him and the kids.
The other possible solution is for the kids to have that 90-minute commute at night to and from school when they are with us. However, his kids sometimes don't get to his home now until 9pm at night with sports.... just think this would be too disruptive and too chaotic for everyone.
His son has been wanting to spend more and more time with him and his kids fight (which know is normal) but have suggested his son lives with us and the daughter with her mom. He then does the every other weekend with both kids verses the split weekends with his ex. His ex-wife and him can still be involved in the child's life they don't have custody with by doing dinner visits, going to their games, etc.
My boyfriend and his ex have a very good relationship. I don't want to be selfish and do adore his kids. We need to make this work as our kids get along great & have become attached to his children. My daughter also adores my bf. I just think the split weekends and shared custody is not possible with the distance between homes ...something needs to give and don't want it to be our relationship. He is the love of my life.
Help! Suggestions! Anything! 
Girl, you have a lot going
Girl, you have a lot going on! You do need to think about the weekend thing. My BF had his kids Fri-monday every week. We never had a weekend to ourselves. After about a year it really start wearing on me. I told him I just couldn't do it. I loved him but I needed to have a life on the weekends that did not include kids. (my daughter is grown). But I knew he had had this arrangement when I met him...I just didn't know what it would be like living with it.
So I was leaving the relationship.
Soon after this dicussion BM decide she was going to change things..without consulting anyone. So off to court they went and now they have a new agreement. He still see them, but on different days. We now have 2 weekends a month with no kids...OH MY it is heaven. They are great but I needed adult time. My BF said he didn't realize how much better the new agreement would be.
BM on the other had now has decided she is going to do what ever she wants whenever she wants. Sometime we have them sometime we don't, back to court they will go.
But there is one thing I know for sure. If you are having thoughts like "sure wish we could have a weekend alone" It will only escalate. You will want it more and resent it more.
I too am with the love of my life. He is a dad and has responsibilites. Once again if I would have know what it was going to be like, I would not have dated a man with younger kids. But we do love each other and we work on it one day at a time. Some days are harder than others, but you will make adjustments and you will balance it all out if it is worth it to you.
Be honest and don't give up what you want and need. I tell BF, the truth. Even when it is not what he wants to hear. You will all be happier if you are honest about your feelings.
I don't see giving up on our
I don't see giving up on our relatonship as an option right now. I had told him we started dating that it is hard when both partners have their kids a lot and also that can't move to Mass. He promised me then had no problem commuting or driving to see me. He also let me know that he had told himself if the back and forth became too much for his kids that he would stop weekday overnights. However, at the time he hadn't thought the relationship would progress so fast so earlier and was thinking more when the kids were 14 or 15 not now when they are 11.
If he has his kids every other weekend with weekday visits then would be easier, but can't expect him to do this. I can not make him chose between me or his kids.
He is not paying child-support, but probably spends more on his kids than what child-support would be configured at and just gave his ex $6 grand towards their month long camp this summer, kids always have the latest gagdget, buys them clothes & gifts constantly, etc. He is not rich, but not hurting by any means. His ex lives with a surgeon and she is a director at a hospital....there is plenty of money for the kids.
I get child-support but then work part-time and my hours around my daughter's school schedule. If we ended up together would not have to work and can do all the domestic stuff....cleaning, cooking (working on this skill), taking care of his kids (mainly during summer), my child, and any future children.
If he was gone Monday through Wednesday night then would just be like he was traveling for business? My friend's husband is gone Monday through sometimes Thursday each week and she has 2 little girls.
I know we can make this work, but need help and guidance on making it work not telling me it won't :0(
Stacey
What is the 11 signs of
What is the 11 signs of guilty parenting?
Ask Crayon - she's got it!!
Ask Crayon - she's got it!!
Thank you Spunkie, We can not
Thank you Spunkie,
We can not move half way inbetween as know my ex would fight it and a move would be denied. My daughter is also in gymnastics up here and all her family (included extended) are up here. I need the support system, too, seeing going to be the one home all the time.
How does the courts deal with moves? I am worried that will be denied a move 15-20mins away because ex is now renting with his gf and son in same school district. It's his third gf w/children and the second move in...though this one has put up with him for 2-year. My daughter and mee since our divorce in 2006 have lived in the same town. He moved during our divorce 35-minutes away. I didn't fight it nor care though increased our distance by 30mins.
According to standard court procedure up here, I have to give my ex 60-day notice of any move and he has 60-days to file something against the move. He is a very angry, spiteful, possesive man so he would wait until the 59th day. So does this mean have to wait to enroll our daughter in any new school until court grants it? My lawyer says it is better if I am married and not just engaged. The judge could say my living conditions are not stable because my bf/fiance could kick me out at any time hence forcing my daughter to change schools again. I could not financially afford the house he would buy and would not need to work. It just seems so unfair that the courts allow this and once again feel trapped & controlled by my ex
My ex was very verbal abusive & controlling in our marriage and even went back to him after a physical abuse incident. Just this past year he tried to gain 50% custody by claiming alienation, which GAL found not one shred of evidence to this. He even told court he didn't think our daughter should be allowed a sleepover unless he was asked first! How does this make sense? I think he may have a personality disorder. He has told me that he will never stop fighting.