Need advice for bonding with my stepchild
I've been in a relationship for 3 years. My boyfriend moved in with me and my 7year old son two years ago. His son is 9 and lives with us every other weekend. He spends time with us a couple of days during the week as well. Hes not exactly a "stepchild" because his father and i aren't planning on marrying. I'm not a bossy type of person in the least,but I do have some rules in the house. Not only for my "stepchild" but for my son as well. Nothing crazy but your normal everyday living rules. My step child has recently been giving me a hard time with some of the rules. I try to have his dad handle it but he gives him a hard time too. He has also been talking somewhat nasty to my son, saying he doesn't want to play with him with a mean face. It's becoming very hard to get close with him and sure he needs some more time to adjust. Please, help. He's growing and changing so fast. I'm worried it's too late to make a connection.
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While I haven't been in this
While I haven't been in this exact situation, I would say from the experience I do have is STAND YOUR GROUND with respect to your rules and protecting you son. And you and your SO will need to be on the same page and a united front so-to-speak. The child will test the boundaries, manipulate etc. If you two are united, the child will not "win". This was a hard lesson I learned with my now husband and my 2 skids that live with me full time! But, trust me it makes a HUGE difference.
And at first it will be battles, but if you stick firmly to it, it should get easier with time...and remember, it's not an "instant fix" which I know makes it frustrating and terribly difficult. Just keep standing your ground!!!! You and bio dad.
I know a lot of boys go
I know a lot of boys go through an "angry" phase, but he seems a little young for that.
Something I haven't seen mentioned is maybe he could just spend a little more time with his dad. Plan outings or just a "watch a movie with Dad night" just him and his dad (even if it's just on the couch or in his room). Also has SO just sat down and talked with SS9? Maybe he would be able to talk about how he's feeling and what he wants.
Maybe he feels like he's losing his dad, maybe he's having a hard time at school and he's just mad.
I would say there is something going on in his life where he just feels out of control and so he's pushing back whenever he's expected to do something, i.e. follow rules, be nice to your DS.
I'm wondering why this is a
I'm wondering why this is a problem all of a sudden? Has it been getting progressively worse since you met him or has it just recently gotten out of control? In either case, I would recommend the following:
Rule #1 - Do not try to force the relationship with ss9. Be who you are and let him see that. I found in my situation (ss10 lives full time with Dh and I) I was myself, acted like myself, did normal things I do. I believe that ss10 sees that I make dh extremely happy and he wants to be part of that happiness. Just my humble observation.
Rule #2 - Stand your ground (as earthlove said above). If you are 100% who you are 100% all the time, he'll know what your boundaries and expectations are. Unfortunately, he could still be trying to 'check you out' and see what you're all about.
Rule #3 - BE YOURSELF. If you're fake or you feel yourself making an extraordinary effort, he's going to see through it & just end up resenting you. That won't be good for anyone.
Rule #4 - Treat him as part of your family. If he doesnt like doing activities with all of you, you can gently explain to him that families do stuff together and spend quality time together and thats just how it is. I had this same convo w/ss10 not a week ago!
Rule #5 - NEVER let him be in control of a situation. Don't let him pick and choose who will do what/when/where. I.e., if you, bf ss9 and your son are going to a family function and ss9 says he wants just himself and bf to go, do not allow him to make that decision. That's not to say that just bf and ss9 have alone time but he doesn't get to control what adults do.
Rule #6 - Make your family roles CRYSTAL CLEAR. You and bf make the decisions. You and bf worry about adult things. You and bf deal with bm, custody, child support, court, visitation, etc. Key phrase in our house "the adults will handle it".
I have read one on one time
I have read one on one time is really important for bonding with skids (you and your ss). Mine were adults and have moved and married so it's a little different for me. My SD did live with us for half a yr when she was 20. This was both good and bad (she was really irresponsible). The times I had alone with her were the most important in terms of bonding.
This is not a discipline
This is not a discipline issue. Some of the responses to this are a little harsh. Imagine being a 9 yr old boy, whose father has chosen a woman to live with, who gets to see his dad all the time, who also has a son who gets to see his dad all the time. You have said you aren't planning to marry, but you have taken this dad from his son. That is the way the kid sees it. "She isn't even important enough for him to marry, but she gets him and I don't..." You are fronting as a family when you live together. You can't expect the "visitor" to blend into a family that isn't. He is going to take it out on you and your son. He has feelings that he doesn't understand and doesn't know what to do with. Why should he bond with you if you don't plan on marrying? He is there to spend time with his dad. Period.