I have been with my future husband for an accumulated 4 years and sometimes it honestly feels like we've been together for 24 years. Our relationship is strong in all areas but the children. He has a 6yr old son and a 8 yr old daughter. I have a 14yr old son and a 12 yr old daughter. From almost the very beginning of our relationship we have had major problems with his ex. We've gone to court 3x, we've filed various police reports that range from her not allowing him to pick up the kids to her showing up at our home with a loaded weapon threating to do harm to herself.

His children have been privy to all manner of negative behavior and it shows in their personalities. They have serveral behavioral problems from habitual lying, fighting, and inappropiate language to name a few. And I am at my witts end. I've tried to be supportive, I've tried to be understanding, I've tried to set a good example but it seems like I fail at every turn. My FH only sees what he wants to see. And tells me that I need to try to focus on the positive. But does focusing on the positive mean ignoring the negative? His children are not pleasant and are very difficult to interract with. They show him one face and me another. They act helpless and babyish in front of him. They throw tantrums, cry for no reason, they refuse to clean up behind themselves. His daughter has called me the C word. And his son tells me almost on a daily basis how much his mother hates me and the wide array of names she calls me. I think that they know what they are saying, heck even an infant can tell the difference between negative and positive connotation but if I take what they say personally then according to my FH I'm not being mature or being an adult.

He tells me all the time how happy he is that I came into their lives. Now his child have a "mother" but I'm not their mother. Not really. He wants me to do things like hair and baths but when it comes to discipline then they are his kids. When it comes to any type of conversation about their behavior he gets on the defensive. The worse the bahavior is the more I with draw. I have my own children to think about. But I know that isn't the answer either. I'm miserable!

My own children hate being in the house with them. Because the do act like brats. Because they do require so much more time and effort than my BS and BD. And because my FH would let them get away with murder.

I love my FH. I think we could really have a great life together but I don't know how to reach these kids. I don't even know if I want to reach these kids. I don't like them, I don't like their behavior, I feel like they detract from my life instead of inhancing it. I know that they have issues. But I've done everything I could to help and it seems I end up taking the brunt of the fallout. Logically I know that they want their parents back together and acting out is the symtoms of the turmoil that they've had to live with but when is enough enough?