Is my stepson being setup for failure?
As the title states, I’m wondering if SS14 is being set up for failure.
I’ve been married to his mother since he was five and his whole life he has been showered with expensive gifts while having to earn almost nothing. Not only this but he receives little to no consequence for anything he does. A few days ago, he stole a phone from his older cousin. Instead of punishing him, they allowed him to keep the phone. What is worse is this cousin has always stuck by SS’s side and been loyal.
SS has a long history of lying and theft as well.
If he does get a consequence for something (which is extremely rare), he throws a massive tantrum and refuses to accept any responsibility. The consequence is always a slap on the wrist like his video games being taken away for a few hours.
He is very disrespectful to authority and elder family members if he does not get his way. Teachers at school report the same thing. If he finds a rule unfair, he thinks he doesn't have to follow it. Recently, he tried to sneak an entire pack of oreos in his room. Mom said no. SS spat that it wasn’t fair and that he could do that because Mom gets to eat oreos whenever she wants. The situation ended with him taking the oreos into his room.
SS has diagnosed ADHD. He doesn’t take medication for it, nor does he receive any type of therapy. His grades are atrocious. Last year was his last year in middle school. I periodically checked on his grades out of curiosity. For one class, he had a major project due which he never even started, got a zero and SHOULD have failed the class. It is the same for most of his other classes besides P.E. Incomplete/missing assignments and notes of him constantly screwing around in class and not participating. I’m not sure why but he received a passing grade for all these classes despite so many zeros on assignments.
During the entire year, I never saw him study or do homework a single time. He did nothing but play video games outside of school. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was 2 or 3 years behind in math and reading. At the end of last school year, he was rewarded…for working so hard. He starts high school in a few weeks and I doubt things will change.
He also has zero self control. The other night he snuck a six pack of Pepsi in his room then drank all of it in one night. He stays up until 7AM playing video games and screaming and cussing at the top of his lungs at the TV. He even yells the n-word. We are all caucasian. No one ever does anything besides making empty threats of taking his game if he doesn’t stop. He then sleeps until 4 or 5 PM and then immediately gets on the game until 7AM again. During the school year, he does the same unless the game is taken from him at night time.
He is the golden child of his dysfunctional family. They have always treated him like he is better than all the other kids around. As such, he has acted like he is. He has even stated that he is a better child than other kids in the family.
When confronted about something he did wrong, he will lie through his teeth. Once I confronted him about something he did in school. His reaction was to play the victim, cry crodile tears and then look at me with pure hatred in his eyes. This was even after we had video evidence proving that he was guilty and told him so.
Everything he touches he breaks. Many of the expensive gifts have had to be replaced multiple times. One night he punched the TV in his room and broke it. A few days later, it was replaced with him having to do minimal work to pay it off. It is like this with almost everything he gets. He is never sad or disappointed when something he owns breaks no matter what it is.
His family members have horrible money management skills and I am starting to see the same in him. As soon as he gets a small amount of money, he spends it on virtual points for one of his online games. He has no concept of saving money or delayed gradification. When I was his age, I would work hard and save my money until I had enough for whatever I wanted. I don’t see that with him.
He does have a few responsibilities around the house that he does with no issue but they are not enforced consistently.
Years ago, I tried teaching him discipline but was given dirty looks and told to butt out so I did. I’ve tried pointing out many of these issues but his family members always rush to his defence.
So is this kid on a path to failure? How would he turn out if things do not change? What can be done?
Start preparing your basement
Start preparing your basement... he'll be there for life.
I mean... you don't seem like
I mean... you don't seem like you are clueless..lol. Of course this is not a positive trajectory.. sounds like someone else's son that is in the news a lot.. lmao.
My question is how do you stay married to a person that you can't respect their parenting.. and that they have emotionally crippled their son?
His mother and I have two
His mother and I have two daughters together. I absolutely do not trust SS or his extended family around them.
Years ago I was in an accident and have brain damage. This leaves me unable to work and I am on government assistance. It is not enough to cover living expenses for myself let alone my two daughters. I also don't want to risk my wife getting partial custody because of SS. At least with me here I can make sure nothing happens to them. I am stuck here or I would have left years ago.
Yall are going to be on Dr. Phil one day
It'll be one of those "why won't my step-kid launch episodes".
I am a mom of four kids. My oldest is 18. She graduated in May from high school and already has an apartment with a roommate, pays her bills as a waitress, and starts her college classes in two weeks. She already has a significant amount of college credits from high school. She is launched. What you described sounds like a nightmare and not one of his behaviors listed is an ingredient in the how to get your kid successful recipe book.
He Will Get His Karma....
especially with his use of the N word. He won't be able to help himself. He will slip and use it in public. And probably get his azz beat. While I don't promote violence of any kind, your SS will bring that on himself.
I'm with ESMOD...how do you stay in this marriage?
You have a future convict on
You have a future convict on your hand. Rules don't apply to him? No experience with consequences (real ones) Theft being excused?
Separate your money and don't let any of it go towards him. The older he gets , the bigger the trouble he will find.
Make your expectations crystal clear now that he will not live with you at 18. Once an adult he needs to go. Doubt he will graduate. You know he is going to be a failure. You've been living in this toxic environment for so long you doubt yourself. Don't do that. Trust your gut.
Stay or Go?
If you've been married for NINE years, you should talk with a divorce attorney ASAP as ten years is the requirement for alimony in many states.
You already know your SS is going to fail at adulting. The question is, knowing your wife is a shi!!y parent, knowing she hails from a shi!!y family, and knowing things aren't going to change, do you want to stay in the marriage? Because if you do,
Choose wisely.
I do not want to stay. Haven
I do not want to stay. Haven't for years. I was in an accident which left me with brain damage. This leaves me unable to work and on government assistance. It is not enough to support myself or my two daughters. I also do not trust SS around them and don't want to risk his mother getting partial custody. SS has no criminal charges and neither does his mom. It would be a he-says she-says case. I've spoken to lawyers. A lot of the stuff going on is hard to prove or would hold little weight in court. As long as I am here, I can make sure his toxic behaviors don't influence them and he doesn't try to hurt them. I never let him near either of them.
If you can’t leave
You are between the rock and heard place. You have to disengage, suck it up. If DW isn't getting SS help , there nothing you can do. You willl have this kid the rest of your life. If he doesn't run off
Do you have any cop friends
Do you have any cop friends or know if any that you can talk to about what your options are when he loses control at home and how they can help, as how do you get him hauled away to juvenile detention? Maybe they can tell you what kind of documentation you need to support your claims. A lawyer can help you figure out your odds of getting custody in this situation and protecting your bios. You need more knowledge, not speculation.
Immediate and durable consequences.
Take his games. And don't give them back. Ever. We purged video games from our homw when SS-31 was in 7th grade. We never allowed them back in. We forced him into the real world rather than allowing him to borrow someone elses immagination. He is thriving as a viable adult. He is a man of honor, character, and a man of standing in his career and community. Unlike the failed shallow and polluted half of his gene pool.
So, he started writing. He has written books. Nothing published yet, but, he uses his own brain IRL and has increasingly since we structured his life and held him to standards of behavior and performance. Though we did not know it at the time, as it turned out, he has ADHD. I do not accept the syndrome of the moment so many kids are tagged with as an excuse for not holding them to standards of behavior and performance. Had we known, I am not sure we would have changed how we parented. I like to think we would have held him to the same standards he was held to. It worked and he is an outstanding man. His mom and I are very proud of him.
Take it all, anything with a screen he should have zero unsupervised access to. There should be zero gaming. Make him read for entertainment or... go outside and play. Tolerate no glaring hatred, no back talk, no lies. Apply escalating misery inducing consequences. He gets a reasonable state of existance if he behaves in accordance with the standards of behavior and standards of performance established in your home. He is a POS kid because he is raised by POS adults who are sentencing this kid to a life of failure.
In reality, odds are highly in favor of it being too late and him being a lost cause. But, there may be time to stop the never ending behavioral degredation and start some improvement and recognition of realith.
This kid is a POS, and he needs to be forced into that realization. He also needs to be forced to recognize that life will not cater to his idiot adult induced delusion on being special. He isn't. He needs to have his nose firmly scrubbed into that fact and get the proverbial swat to the rump any time he pulls his shit.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat.
Some people cannot be loved and hugged through this kind of thing and need to experience escalating abject misery in response to their crap.
Make that happen, there isn't much time left.
IMHO.
I hope your Skid can realize a major turn around in his life trajectory.
Good luck.
I have just posted a thread
I have just posted a thread and my son sounds quite simiar to your SS but not quite as bad. My DS12 has been referred for ADHD and does sound like he has simialr triats - he breaks things, he leaves a trail of destruction, he would stay up all night on his phone/game if i let him and sleep till gods know what time if i let him, he will take money if its left lying round.
I find it hard to parent him as it is very frustrating and nothing seems to sink in. I have to take his phone and game cobntrollers out of his room at 10pm or he wont sleep, if he is off school i let him sleep in until 10am and then he gets woken up (my view is if hes tired its own fault for staying up so late!). my partner finds it more frustrating than i do espacilly as none of the other children are this hard work but what makes it harder is how he raises his annoyances with me, he takes that annoyance out on me instead of talking to me about it, i'm happy to listen to him and i'm open to suggestions on the best way to deal with it.
Not much help I know but your post has been useful for me to see how i need to keep my son in check now so he doesnt get worse! If anything i think you need to disnegage or have a discussion with your partner about it that doesnt come across like you are attacking her parenting.
We purghed all gaming when SS was about 12. Gone.
We never again allowed them in our home. Phone was easy. This was pre smart phone so all his phone could do was call and text.
The SpermClan repeatedly attempted to get SS to sneak portable gaming systems into our home. That was all they would gift him.
Nope, they were locked up as soon as SS returned from SpermLand visitation. They were given back on the way to the airport for his next SpermClan visitation.
SS-31 has thanked his mom and I for providing him with structure, thanked us for holding him to standards of behavior and performance, and thanked us for getting him into the real world and out of the gaming world.
He games as an adult. But it is not longer a detriment to him. He is thriving as an adult, is a man of characgter and honor, and a man of standing in his professional and community.
So, flush the games. He can get back into them on his own time and his own dime once he is an adult.
It worked for us.
My dad always suspected that SS had ADHD. SS was recendly Dx'd with ADHD as an adult. We did not know it when SS was a kid. But... in hind sight, we would not have changed how we raised him.
Purge the games.