I've posted here several times about how my SSs have a tendency to not do homework. Last year, we went to the mid-year conference and found out that neither child handed in much homework. Before that point, DH had not seen any report cards (they had the correct mailing address for him on file in the office and kept telling them we mailed them, but we never received any, even after going to parent conferences). He decided that he was going to call both boys daily to check in on homework and work with them on it, via phone. At first, BM told him he was "being intrusive" and encroaching on her time with the kids, but really, she didn't want to work on homework herself, so she stopped sending him angry texts. The last term of the year - the term when DH (and I, in many cases) were working on homework via phone, was the only term where both boys had passing homework completion grades.

At the end of last year, I managed to get DH his own account on the online parent portal, so he can now check on homework himself (or rather, I can check on homework). He started off the year by calling his kids to ask them about homework. They would rarely answer the phone, but would sometimes text back. They always told him they had no homework.

I looked at the portal early in the year and one of them already had an F in a core class. I told DH and he texted BM to say, "we need to have consequences for poor grades. our boys need to learn to work hard." BM replied and told him he was only saying that because he hated her and because *my* standards were too high for their children. She was an excellent mother and I just needed to realize she cared about their education.

Some backstory, BM sent me a email through a social media platform asking for my help in how to "motivate her children to learn". I ignored it, because we are not connected on social media and because I also knew that if I gave my honest advice (namely, that the way to motivate kids to learn at home is to require it, that her boys needed a homework routine at home, that they needed a quiet space to work on homework, that they needed consequences if homework wasn't completed, etc - all those things would be perceived by her as either insulting her or insulting her kids). This is the same woman who told her whole family that I was trying to take her kids away from her, told DH that I "might be a child abuser", and has moved her kids multiple times between teachers in the middle of the year because the teachers were either "mean to her" or "too strict".

Recently, BM has told DH several times that special snowflake SS feels "sad" that DH isn't proud of his hard work. No matter that his highest grade is a B+ in PE (he does not have an A, because he has not completed any of his PE homework assignments) and that his low grades are due to missing assignments. So, really is he working hard? The other one has a D+ in Language Arts, again, the grade is because he has several missing assignments.

Previously, BM told DH that SSs can't do well in school because they "feel pressure" because DH told him that *I* got all As and they feel like they just can't achieve that. Well, of course, you can't get all As if you don't do your work.

In addition, special snowflake SS also always pouts whenever the subject of grades comes up. He thinks DH should overlook his lack of effort in most of his classes in exchange for that B+ in PE.

Recently, I've noticed that DH has totally backed off...almost given up on school work. Last Thursday, there were parent conferences. It's middle school, so they're arena style, not scheduled. I told him when they were and asked him if he was going and he said no.

I do wonder if part of the problem is that I told him recently that I needed to back off on school work. I've helped both boys with homework, made sure they took it home with them after their weekends with us, and even reminded them to hand it in and it still doesn't get handed in. I told DH that I can't overcome the fact that they live in a home where their mother doesn't care and thinks that they only reason their grades are terrible is because "they struggle in school".

I've already told DH that I'm not interested in spending one penny on college for someone who does not try at all. I'm not looking forward to the fights with DH when he wants to help them or the demands from BM about how DH just has to pay (we also live in a state where a child can sue a NCP who refuses to pay for college) because otherwise, he doesn't care about his kids.

In other guilty dad news, yesterday, I pointed out to DH that every time after SSs leave the gaming controllers are strewn on the floor and trash (including pieces of a lollipop) is also strewn about. I didn't say it in angry way, but reminded him that I had said that if they weren't put away (in a basket, literally two feet from where the controllers are strewn), that they would disappear. Since they disappeared once and were searched for and found, they still have never been put away. DH responded by acting as if I was being ridiculous and he couldn't understand why I couldn't just pick them up if they bothered me. I told him, "it's not as if I expect your kids to scrub the toilet. why should I be expected to pick them up because they can't?" He essentially gets defensive and shuts down the conversation every time I even expect minimal effort from his children. Nothing like just leaving something like that simmering under the surface. If they want to make a mess in their own rooms, fine, but I draw the line at messes in common areas, areas where I might invite guests.

I'm sorry my husband feels guilty about his divorce, but ultimately, that's on him. I don't want to tip toe around his precious cherubs, forever. They're now old enough that they can put in minimal effort to be members of our household. I don't make them vacuum or wash dishes or even do their own laundry, but I do expect them to pick up their own trash and put things back where they found them. I don't think that's too much to ask.