My Breakin' Heart
I hope someone can relate to my situation. My ex and I divorced 12 years ago. Our daughter was 4, and I filed for custody and won! I found a nice young lady shortly after, and we've been married for 11 years, and we have 3 sons together. She is an awesome mom to those boys, but the meanest step mom. She and my daughter don't get along at all, and this weekend instead of driving up to get my daughter from bio mom, I get a call saying she's not coming home. My heart breaks for my daughter who is now 17 and obviously miserable. I hate to let her go, but I know that even though she and I love each other very much, she'd be happier with her mom. My wife says to get her home and we'll go to family counseling. I wonder if it's too late for that.
I don't feel I've chosen
I don't feel I've chosen anyone over anyone else and don't think I need to. My wife accuses me of choosing my daughter over her. I'd rather choose everybody and have us all get along. Also, I don't stand around watching someone be mean or disrespectful to my daughter. I'm protective and it's caused many heated discussions with my wife.
There is jealousy from my
There is jealousy from my wife. We moved out of state when our boys were born, so my family doesn't really know them. Thus, they give more attention to my daughter and that has caused many hurt feelings over the years. That is one element.
I'm not sending her to her
I'm not sending her to her mother, she's there for summer visitation. I'm really the one who's been abondoned here. My ex has been working on this all summer and now they're telling me the plans they've made with no discussion or input from me. My daughter doesn't feel abondoned by me. I want her here, and I've told her so.
Ask my wife if I need to grow
Ask my wife if I need to grow a pair and stand up to her. I've done everything short of walking out, and I'd have done that if it wasn't for my kids at home. There may be a benefit to my daughter living with her mom at this point in her life. I don't know since I've never been a 17 year old girl. Also, I didn't use the word abandoned, you did. I was just answering your question. You don't have to point out my failure, I'm aware of it. I do have 3 beautiful boys to think about.
After reading some of your
After reading some of your other posts, your opinion of me doesn't matter. You sound more like my ex.
That is a really tough
Okie, It is never too late to
Okie,
It is never too late to try to fix your family or help your kids.
If your wife is willing to bring your daughter home and go to family couseling maybe she is not all that bad of a StepMom? She obviously considers your family home to be her SD's home too.
Good luck.
Best regards.
She is an awesome mom to our
She is an awesome mom to our 3 boys, and maybe mean is a poor choice of words. She doesn't like her to bring things here from her mom. She hates her (mom). The things we've had to deal with over the past 10 years have contributed to that. I can tell you that I don't hang on to hate, but my ex is one of the meanest women I've known and my daughter has no idea.
*My wife works from our home office and tells the kids, "no, you cant use the computer when I'm working, so stay out".
*If my daughter is in our boy's bedroom, she makes her leave. I don't get that.
*If my daughter is in the living room and my wife wants to watch TV, she tells her to go in her room and watch TV. That goes for my boys too. They all have TVs.
*My daughter wants to sit in church with us, but my wife makes her go to her teen service instead. That goes for all of the kids.
Basically my daughter is made to feel unwelcome. Hurts her, hurts me. I can't think that there are no other step moms who have these feelings toward their step kids. It didn't used to be this way. She was her girl scout leader and they used to be more involved with each other. It just seems as my daughter gets older, it is more cold between them. Shouldn't it be the other way?
Seriously? This is why you
Seriously? This is why you think your wife is "mean?" Because she's actually, you know, parenting?
I'm struggling to figure out why you think it's "mean" for a mother who works from home to kick her kids out if she's in there using the computer and working. Or do you think that if your daughter wants to use Facebook that your wife should graciously step aside instead of working? Just because that's what the princess desires? If it's no big deal, how about having your daughter come sit on your desk at work and browse the internet for fun while you're at YOUR office?
And OH MY GOSH! When the adult in the house wants to watch something on the TV, she should let the teenager have her way instead? Remind me which one of your kids is working to pay the bills and keep the house clean and raise the children and deserves time to relax... Oh, that's right -- your mean wife is just doing it to be mean. Really, she should just go to the kids' room and watch shows there while your kids get the big TV in the living room. Because kids should always get their way in your house.
And your daughter is being forced to sit with teens her age at church, in a ministry created specifically for teenagers so that they can meet one another and have wholesome stuff to do -- wow, that's horrendously mean. God forbid she should meet peers when she could be spending 100% of her time bothering your wife at home while she's trying to work, annoying her brothers by getting into the stuff in their bedroom and taking over every TV in the house. It would be a tragedy, really.
I don't think it's your daughter being made to feel welcome, it's your wife who's being expressly told by you, and by your attitude, that's she's not the one who's welcome at all. :jawdrop:
Wow. I must be a mean mom to
Wow. I must be a mean mom to my own kids! From what you posted it seems like your wife is treating your sons and your daughter the same. There is nothing on that list that mentions things being harder on your daughter. Everything you said you added, 'that goes for my sons too' or 'all the kids'.
- if wife works at home, and while she is working, how can she get work done if she's not on the computer?
- if all the kids have a tv, what does it matter if she wants to watch tv in the living room anyway? We do that and my own 5 yer old will just put her show on in another tv in the house. No big deal.
- how old are your sons? Maybe your wife thinks they're at an age where they need more privacy or maybe they have silently requested that your daughter not be in their rooms but couldn't tell you because felt you would get upset.
- the church thing...seems like she just wants her kids to go to their appropriate class. Not a big deal. Maybe the teen class is talking about issues that your wife feels she needs to be learning/listening about.
There has to be more to it. Your daughter has been planning this for some time. It might not be anything to do with your wife either. A girl needs her mom. And luckily she still has one. Your wife has done her part- as a step-mom. But she can't replace the girl's real mom. It sounds like you are just hurt. Understandably. I hope things work our for you!
17 years old.....maybe a
17 years old.....maybe a short break will give your wife the break she needs and maybe your daughter will see the grass is not greener on the other side. My situation is totally different but I am very hopeful for yours. I personally don't accept my stepdaughter and probably never will. But she is almost 16 and is just now in our lives after 9 years and is a stranger really. Teenager's act on emotions really quickly and mom may be persauding too. You are her daddy and your wife is really her mom. Ya'll raised her - she probably has very few memories otherwise and your home is her home. Best of wishes.
Thank you for your input.
Thank you for your input. You're right about the emotion part. I spoke with her yesterday and even though her summer break is over and she should be home with me, she doesn't want to. I'm waiting for my attorney to come back from vacation before I procede. Since she's 17, I'm not going to insist that she come back. I understand that she needs to be with her mom, and her life there is probably more fun than it is with me, plus there is a need that she was born with. Here, it's homework, laundry, etc. and at her mom's they're always going somewhere, and she has more family (they live 7 hrs away). I guess I'm still having trouble giving up the relationship we used to have when she was so much a Daddy's girl. Very close. It seems we've hit that rebelious stage of her life, and I understand that. As far as the stepmom relationship, my wife is more strict than I am and always seemed to make more rules than we need. We had issues with cell phones, doing homework without the ipod, no calls from friends after 9pm, etc. Maybe I used the word "mean" too quickly, but when I tell her it's time to get off the phone, it sounds different because I'm talking with someone I love very much. When she says it, the way it's said, and the way it's heard are both different. Sorry to ramble.
i really like reading posts
i really like reading posts from husbands... it gives me insight. You hit close to home from me when you said: "Maybe I used the word "mean" too quickly, but when I tell her it's time to get off the phone, it sounds different because I'm talking with someone I love very much. When she says it, the way it's said, and the way it's heard are both different."
DH & I also speak differently. For example, he will say you might want to clean your room kiddo. I will say, did you clean your room today? We both want/expect the same result-a clean room. His methods comes across as a suggestion-- No, I don't want to clean my room. Because he is passive she can passively not clean her room. My approach may sound interrogating or demanding... it requires an honest response. Yes, I did.--- Good, have fun today be home around dinner. No. Not good, you can leave when it's done. We ensue a blah.blah blah. session.. and I sound mean.
I also work from home... I see and hear a lot!! DH does not. If I sound mean, it's because I am aware of the 17 yr old manipulation game. It's a predictable game. To prove it I now give forecasts of certain behavior and outcomes... Just this month I am 3 for 3. DH is seeing it too. Finally.
I am sorry you feel hurt.
I am sorry you feel hurt. Personally i am not sure you are doing the right thing by letting her stay with her mom. Not only from the legal point of view but also about her changing schools,friends habits.. How would this affect her performance in school?
If you think it won't be a problem and that everything is going to turn out OK , then idk ... give it a shot, but make sure that you tell your little girl that your house will always be open for her.Make sure she knows that.And believe me she will appreciate it now and in the future as well.
(My father told me that when I was 19 and moved out of the house. Needless to say he and I have an amazing relationship, which was built and established with little things like this one.. )
I think that unless you have
I think that unless you have a reason to believe your daughter would be harmed, either physically or emotionally, by living with her mother, you should let her go. When my stepkids moved in with us it devastated their mother. But they were 15 when they made that decision. There was nothing legally she could do to prevent it. I think a 17 year old's wishes regarding custody should be controlling absent some kind of abuse.
It sucks. But maybe she just needs to be with her mom at this stage in her life.
I agree with Rags (again
I agree with Rags (again
If your wife is willing to go to family counseling - then tell your SD she is coming home and address the problems.
Sounds like you and your wife have different parenting styles. Your wife may think that you treat your daughter differently (cut her more slack) than your boys. Maybe there is some truth in that? Maybe your wife is more strict with your SD - don't know. Maybe your wife is reacting to your daughter's teen years and teen attitudes-I can certainly empathize with that!
Get your SD home, go to counseling with your wife and maybe family counseling for the 3 of you.
totally agree, dtzy, and very
totally agree, dtzy, and very well said
Agree Dtzy, I also think that
Agree Dtzy,
I also think that in a family, the marriage has to come first - that is the foundation. As SP's we must respect our partners' love for their children but also let our partners know that our relationship is paramount.
For me it's not about face
For me it's not about face recognition. Rather it's personality recognition. My SD is a spitting image of my husband or more appropriately, his mother-- a true Saint. However, her personality is more inline with her mothers. SS..spitting image of his mother...carries traits of DH... easy going and has stepped up to his own plate.
One of my bios is a spitting image of her father... she has more of my traits... We do not see eye-to-eye, but we relate. My other daughters' looks take after my side of the family.. my oldest carries many of her fathers traits that I tried and failed to exorcise. We bucked each other for years... Now I try to give her tools to turn them into positives. We will see how the youngest evolves-- she is in the midst of puberty. The youngest is a spitting image of her sister.. they both look like me when I was their age...
That's not to say that some parents reject children because of the visual reminder, I am sure some do. But not always... My ex and my husband's ex are both good looking people... We just don't jive with their personalities.... and they do not jive with ours.... ;~
So is it possible that the self-resemblance of our difficult children, is what has saved them? LOL LOL
As as stepmom I CONSTANTLY
As as stepmom I CONSTANTLY worry about being too mean. I feel the frustration with children that are not my own with whom I feel I have no authority over or respect from. However, there are moments when my stepson will run up and hug me for no reason or my SD will say "you are the best SM ever!" Those moments make my heart absolutely swell. It is really hard to be a step parent. Everyone always thinks you are doing things wrong because well you aren't doing them the way THEY parent. It is hard to get that in sync.
Maybe she has been too mean to your daughter like you said and if so that is a conversation that would be good to have in couples counseling (and its never too late) and then family counseling where both your wife and SD can feel safe talking about their issues with one another. Maybe she does feel jealous of your daughter, but perhaps if they were able to bond with each other on a deeper level it would alleviate that jealousy? I am not sure, just an idea. I think it is wonderful you are worried about your boys, your wife and your daughter and want to do what is best for them all. Your wife should never put you in the position where you feel you have to choose one person over another. Your children are your children now and forever, period. Don't ever give up, you can have a cohesive family, sometimes it just takes the outside perspective of a counselor to put in a way you can all understand.