Issues with Girlfriends 2 kids
Hoping to get some advice from you fine folks.... first time post.
Me - Mid 40's. Divorced for 10 years. My ex wife and I have a tremendous relationship and co-parent our soon to be 14 year old son well. She is remarried to a great guy and I couldn't be happier for them. She is a great mother to our son and he is a positive role model in my sons life. No drama there. We share custody and are very flexible in visitation. If she has family in town or plans on my night we switch nights and if I want to make plans with him, she switches as well. I pay child support monthly and she uses it for our son. Again, no drama there.
Girlfriend- Mid 40's. Divorced for 5 years. Her and her ex do not have a good relationship. She has 2 children with him. A 17 (almost 18) year old daughter and a 13 year old son. Her ex cheated on her multiple times during their marriage. Her daughter at age 11 found out about his affair on Facebook messages. Son & daughter live with mom and rarely see their dead beat dad.
We have been together for a little over 4 years. We do not live together nor do we plan on getting remarried. As a couple, we get along amazing. She is the absolute love of my life and I couldnt imagine anyone making me happier. Due to work schedules we are only able to see each other once or twice a week and never do overnights together. Now the problem..... it's her children. They won't give me a chance. And after all I have done and tried to do for them, at this point I dont really care anymore. I just don't like them. The daughter is almost 18 and miserable. She doesnt trust men (understandable due to her fathers cheating). I have not tried to be a father to her, just her friend. I've fixed her car,shower, etc. let her drive my truck, always gone out of my way to get her a nice Xmas/birthday present. Come over at the drop of a hat to do anything for her. But always feel like it's not good enough.
Her son is worse. He is a mean spirited kid who has very few friends at school. He goes to the same school as my son. Apparently, he gets bullied (I feel terrible about this) and basically stays in his room and facetimes the few friends he has all night. He is very rude and disresepctful.
As I said, their father is mostly not involved. He says he wants to be, but when it comes to actually having responsibilities, he is nowhere to be seen. In all honesty, I would love to fill that role, but I know her kids would never be receptive to that.
As I said, I love my g/f with all my heart and have no intention of breaking up with her. But at this point I am counting down the days until her kids move out.
What say you folks with similar experiences????
If the father isn’t involved
If the father isn’t involved then much of this poor behavior must have been a result of your GF’s poor parenting. Read on these boards - kids like this don’t turn into functional adults or suddenly become reasonable to deal with. A lot of them continue to be dependent and demanding.
It is partly a result of that
It is partly a result of that. Yes. And she has admitted such. They do have many good qualities as well. Their father is a liar and a manipulator and is allegedly bi polar. I think many of the good traits they have are overshadowed by the negative
Are either of the kids in
Are either of the kids in therapy? It sounds like they both need it. I know everyone deals with situations differently and in their own time but your SD not trusting any men because of her dad cheating 6 years ago seems extreme to me.
Also how does their mom treat your relationship when around the kids? You've been around for 4 years but if she's not treating you like someone she's fully committed to then that may be why they are distant.
Hi. Thanks for your reply.
Hi. Thanks for your reply. Yes, both kids are in therapy. Actually, it has helped the daughter a bit. She actually like her therapist and trusts her somewhat. Not sure about the boy. He is much more of a manipulator. Who knows what he tells therapist. Half is probably the truth, and half is either distorted or outright lies. My SO doesnt ask therpist alot of questions, because if son finds out he will shut down completely.
She treats me great around kids.Her kids know we are in love and happy. They know she is committed to me, they just dont like it.
Keep living apart for a bit
I hear yapping about everyone else's fault rather than the only parent in the room.
Keep living apart. Enjoy your time.and remember that some kids never actually leave the nest. See yourself 10 years from now.
Kids have 2 parents & usually it takes 2 parents to completely f*ck up a kid. Congrats. You got one.
You have a good plan to wait
You have a good plan to wait it out.
That was my plan too. After my SD was well into college, my husband and I became more serious and eventually married when she was just about out of college.
It's true I avoided many of the typical stepparent challenges because my SD was out on her own when we married. But by year two of the marriage, I was ready to walk. My husband's "parenting" to a princess, even a princess who lived elsewhere, still took a toll on us. We started therapy. Problems continued. SD didn't want to share her father, and her father didn't want SD to HAVE to share her father.
I was/am a third wheel.
My caution is this: don't think having them out of the house will dramatically reduce the problems. Your girlfriend's parenting style is well imbedded by now. The skids are used to that parenting style. It won't stop just because they're at a distance. The requests for money, to use the car, to move in and out whenever they want...all those things will come into play and you will have no say in how they're handled even if they affect you.
I think you're right not to marry and not to move in together. Keep your options open. And give up thinking you will ever been more than an unwelcome Plus One to her kids, no matter how much they need a father figure. Sadly, they don't want more people in their camp.