Jealous of SD11??
I have been engaged to my fiancé a year now. We have three kids between us both two daughters SD11 & SD7 & S3.
I don't really know why I feel the way I do about SD11 but I feel Jealous of her I know her dad has a special bias for her between his two kids though he won't admit it. He feels she understands him more ever since him and BM split.
don't get me wrong I ADORE SD11 shes literally become my best friend and daughter she relies on me and talks to me and feels comfortable around me. I love her as if she were my own which is why I HATE that I feel this way. I hate feeling jealous of my SD11 I adore her so much. I know she adores me just as much as she has quite literally chosen me over her own mom and feels more safe and comfortable around me.
My SO is always thinking of her and being considerate of her and her feelings and stuff. I feel like he doesn't take nearly as much consideration into my feelings I feel like he doesn't spend time with me like he does with his daughter. I guess it's just a constant insecurity that I'll always be third in his life. I am way too scared to bring up the fact that I feel a bit neglected emotionally to him let alone bring up SD11 cause he would flip out and prolly call me weird which I agree it is weird to feel this way . Plus I don't want her to feel like I'm jealous of her cause that's weird I know my feelings are wrong but I just want my SO to pay a bit more attention to me, my feelings and emotional needs too.
All in all I've been keeping my feelings under wraps and just trying to be a good parent to all my kids I do love every single one of them so much. This is my first time as a step mom and I'm so glad that I love my step kids as much as my own and I'm glad I have a good relationship with them but it makes these feelings so much harder to deal with and it makes me feel sick to my stomach with myself. I'm sure if my SO just paid me more attention I wouldn't feel like this but then again I'm unsure.
any ideas/tips or reassurance is greatly appreciated
You feel the way you do
You feel the way you do because your SD11 is in your spot. It's inappropriate and it's unhealthy for both SD and your SO. It's also very unhealthy for your relationship and if the mini-wife bullshit continues, it won't bode well for either your marriage or your mental health. Even if your SD is nice and not a douche like most mini-wives on here, it's still a bad dynamic because she's been elevated to spouse status and you've been relegated to child.
What should I do?
What should I do then? I wouldn't call her a mini wife as she doesn't go out of her way to seek his attention at all she's very independent and likes to be on her own. She'll occasionally come out of her room for a hug from him or just to say hi and leave but she never seeks out his attention and very rarely asks to be alone or go out places with him alone. She'd much rather go out with me alone or hang out with me. I don't feel shes the issue here. I feel like my SO is a bit emotionally dependent on her like giblet said. What should I do? I personally at this point feel like it's 100% my SO fault and not my SD she's not at fault in my opinion as she doesn't go out of her way to seek his attention or anything like that. So what should I do?? How do I talk to my SO about this without it turning into a argument or worse him leaving me or vice versa. I do love him very much and aside from being emotionally negligent every now and again he is a perfect spouse.
I wouldn't call her a mini
I wouldn't call her a mini wife as she doesn't go out of her way to seek his attention at all she's very independent and likes to be on her own.
The term "mini wife" is thrown around by step mothers, as if it's the SD's fault and responsibility, but it's not, it's on the father. SHE may not act like a mini-wife, but he may see her as one. Mini wives are made by fathers.
Emotional incest is just as damaging as physical incest.
Your feelings are not wrong, it's your instinct telling you that HE is in the wrong. Which is why you feel that he would flip out if you approached him about it. But, hey, if that were to happen, you would know that much more about him. Because what he really should be doing, is talking to you or getting therapy, instead of relying on his 11 year old daughter for emotional support.
I wouldn't marry him without getting this worked out, one way or another. To ignore it and just keep moving forward will lead to more heartache. Read around this site. I think Evil4 deletes her blogs but she has gone through 25 years of bullshit with a husband who is obsessed with his daughter.
Having a spouse who is emotionally negligent, no matter how great he might be in other areas, is like not having a spouse, a life companion, at all.
You love him, but love is not always enough. Your needs matter.
Yes, it is me who has gone
Yes, it is me who has gone through 25 years of this shit. My SD31 has gotten ten times worse as the years have gone on. It does not go away. It does not get better on its own. These daughters do not mature and they do not reach milestones when their peers do. Do not make the mistake of counting down the years until your SD is 18. She's not ever moving out. Your SO will see to that.
I'm glad you saw this, Evil,
I'm glad you saw this, Evil, this is right in your wheelhouse to give advice on.
Guiltriddenstepmom, use the people on this site for their expertise. It may not be what you want to hear, but people here have been through it and know what they are talking about.
I’m going to therapy tomorrow
Going to therapy tomorrow morning to get a mental health professional opinion before addressing this all to my fiancé . I want to make sure there is no way for him to try and wiggle out of me confronting him. I'll have both all the info you guys have given me and a medical professionals opinion so he can't say I'm interpreting any of this wrong. I should have said something sooner I knew something about it seemed wrong thank you all for the valuable info I will keep you updated as I work thru this I hope to address it to him by Tuesday night. Hopefully it goes well if not I have plans made to leave if necessary. I will make sure he knows that none of this is his daughters fault and not her I'm trying to blame or attack but more so that what he's doing is wrong cause again SD11 is not in anyway at fault here or even aware herself that she is being emotionally leaned on like this she has her own problems to deal with I'll keep you guys updated. Thank you. He just got home from taking Sd11 to the doctor so I'm logging off now but please leave anymor helpful info or advice below pls thank you I don't feel alone or scared anymore thank you...
Good on ya for not trying to
Good on ya for not trying to look through blinders and excuse this behavior, and being able to see that this is a problem that could lead to you having to end the relationship. It really is a serious issue.
You are NOT alone. Use the "Messages" tab to send private messages to members if you feel you need to, me included.
Good luck, tomorrow.
Do some reading up on
Do some reading up on "emotional incest," "covert incest," and parental enmeshment. Educate yourself so you can have a fact-based conversation with your BF.
If he gets mad, dismisses what you say, won't take a look at his own behavior, denies, or gaslights you, then I'd honestly reconsider the whole relationship.
Joint counseling might also be helpful so that it's the therapist leading him through discovery of his own behavior.
That’s the plan
That's 100% the plan I'm a very logical and tactical person so when I start arguments or conversation I always have my facts in order as well as established opinions if he does any of those things I will be reconsidering the relationship HEAVILY
Mini wives aren't born that
Mini wives aren't born that way, they are created by their pseudo-husband (overly attached Daddeee.) Your DH is wrong to lean on SD for emotional support and to give her that "special place" after the divorce. It's bad for SD, bad for her siblings, and bad for your marriage. I agree with those who say you should probably bring it up in counseling. People in inappropriate relationships tend to get really defensive when you call them on it.