I'm Stuck
I will be married in one week. My finance has 3 (ages 4, 9, 18) children, 2 with his most recent ex and 1 with a HS sweetheart.
He and I have been dating for 2 years but only exclusively for 1. For the first year he was back and forth with the mother of his youngest kids. It was a very dysfunctional relationship. She used the kids and a hook. They were a package deal.
He has worked through that and has set boundaries for her to not be present when he sees the kids. She has been pretty good about it, but still finds time to tell him how lonely she is and how unfair it is that he gets to be happy but she does not.
I have had very limited interaction with the two youngest. They know me by sight and know my name. We have had a total of 2 hours together (the four of us) in 2 years.
He has conversations with her about me being around the kids and she says absolutely not. She says she will not let me "steal her family."
I have two children of my own (13 and 18). They are great kids. I am an active mom. I volunteer for their activities. I have a good co-parenting relationship with my ex. I own my own business. I own my home. I am not a danger to her kids. I want to know her kids. I want my soon to be husband to have peace in his life and not be torn.
I have asked him to get legal rights to his kids with a custody agreement. He has not made significant moves to do so.
I am hurt and frustrated. I am the bad guy for wanting normal and calling her out on the weirdness.
I do not want to come between him and his kids. I do not want to take the place of their mother. I also do not want to be made to feel like I am on the outside looking in. I do not want to feel like my life and the fullness of it is decided by her and her insecurities. I want my soon to be husband to place me first in action not just in words.
Help. I'm stuck.
DO NOT GET MARRIED! Yeah, I
DO NOT GET MARRIED!
Yeah, I shouted at you. Sweetie, slow it down. Your gut is telling you something. Not saying to break-up by any means, but I am saying that the two of you have some pretty significant topics that still need to be addressed.
If you have elephants in the living room before marriage, it will be 500% worse a few years down the line.
I have delayed my wedding and moving in with my Beloved SO because of issues surrounding his adult daughter, the SGD and the two ignored SGS. I have a BS to protect, but STepTalk has taught me a college course on step-parenting and I'm doing the homework.
You most certainly are not
You most certainly are not stuck. You might feel like you are but you're not.
You have spend a total of 2 hours with his kids, in 2 years?
I don't think the two of you are ready to get married. You sound like you have your life together and he does not, not by a long shot.
Give yourself a kick in the
Give yourself a kick in the hiney to get yourself unstuck. DO NOT, repeat NOT, marry this man.
2 hours in 2 YEARS??? And you're getting married in 1 week? NO.
You have absolutely NO idea:
*what these kids are like
*if your SO is a Disney Dad
*if your SO is even a GOOD Dad
You need to indefinitely postpone your nuptials until:
*he gets legal rights and a custody arrangement
*you spend more time around him and his children to see what you are getting yourself into and if you really want to stay
*he sets limits with the baby momma because it sounds like he may still be riding that horse.
This is a train wreck waiting
This is a train wreck waiting to happen. My wife and I spend the better part of 18 months BEFORE we got married acclimating our kids. That was AFTER 2 years of dating and smaller acclimation periods (play dates etc).
If you and this guy want a future together, isn't it best to put it on hold and get this straightend out? If not I think you on your way to being baby mama #3.
THIS!!!
THIS!!!
The fact that he hasn't
The fact that he hasn't gotten any court orders shows you he's a "don't make waves with the BM" sort of guy. That plus some men are oddly flattered by having their ex and current pine after them. And then there's the mini-wife situation that rears it's ugly head.
Then there's the double standard. You'll most likely find that he will be more than willing to come down hard on YOUR kids while YOU are supposed to put up with anything HIS kids do.
Here's a checklist for starters:
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "my children are UNCOMFORTABLE with you" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.
If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.
Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?
Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.
How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?
There are many other considerations as this type of relationship is not to be taken lightly.
Amazing list. I feel a
Amazing list.
I feel a fool. I am scared to leave. Our relationship is so good in so many ways. I just want peace. If I postpone the wedding his trust issues will flare and we'll take a huge step backwards.
I do want to run. I honestly want to run. I am so sick of hurting but it hurts either way.
Sounds like you already know
Sounds like you already know what you should do (and want to do). "Good in so many ways" is not good enough to commit to a lifetime with this guy.
Sure, leaving the relationship will hurt. For a little while, not for life.
Your relationship is "good in
Your relationship is "good in so many ways" because he he hiding huge chunks of his life. It's so easy to be adorable when on a date or alone with your snookums. Day to day life is where your real self won't stay in the closet anymore. 2 hours with his kids in 2 years? Do those kids even know he's not "with" mom any more? Is he not with her? Are you sure? Are the kids disturbed hellions who will run you off if you get to know them? Dad knows they are which is why he hasn't given them the chance.
The flip side is he becomes Disgusting Dad and runs around catering to them and ignoring all other adults when they are around. Believe me, that is impossible to live with. Ask any of us.
There really are a million red flags in this relationship. The biggest one is he is hiding massive chunks of himself while scurrying you up to the altar.
Also, I wanted to say you don't want to "trigger his trust issues?" Klaxon klaxon klaxon!!!! He is MANIPULATING you. He has got you pussy footing around afraid to ask for your own needs to be met or your feelings heard because you might "victimize" him. He's got you afraid of his reactions. Careful, girl, you could have a sociopath on your hands.
They know that they do not do
They know that they do not do things as a family anymore, but he has not officially told them about me being a big part of his life. That hurts. When he talks about what they say or ask about it seems to me they are giving him openings to explain and he is not mature enough to explain.
He's not been a great dad and feels like he is somehow betraying them by not being with their mom
You are getting married in 7
You are getting married in 7 days and kids not only don't know about the wedding, they don't know you are his girlfriend, or even that their parents are officially kaput.
Dear sweet kind-hearted girl -- DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN NEXT WEEK.
You are setting yourself up for total misery. I have a feeling that is not even a good enough reason for you so I'm going to ask you to think about the kids. They are going to be blind-sided. Kids have enough trouble with re-marriage, how do you think it's going to be for them when they have been actually tricked?
Get as much money back as you can from your vendors. Probably not possible but worth a try. Throw a big party of some other kind such as do you have a little niece it can be her first birthday party? That's what I would do since I've got one turning that age right now. Or donate the party to an organization such as a hospital or boys and girls clubs. Take the writeoff.
But do not willingly sign up for the misery that will become your life at this point.
Tell the guy you just realized the circumstances were not ready yet. Spend this next year getting to know his kids and ACTING LIKE A COUPLE IN FRONT OF THEM. If he is unable to do that, wipe your hands clean and move on.
You are so right. It is not
You are so right. It is not a good enough reason for me. Nailed it.
I have told him he is hurting the kids, their impression of him when they find out and my possible relationship with me. He says his oldest knows and the 9 and 4 are too young to understand. SMH
There is nothing I can do but move forward or walk away and although walk away is the smartest, it is not something I am willing to do.
So that leaves me with what to do with a BM that is manipulative, a husband with his head in the sand and 2 very confused kids. I am a power through it sort of gal, but I have no control over this.
I was going to ask her to coffee last week when she dropped the kids to see him, but she did not show. I was going to write her a letter, but I do not know what to say. I am not even angry with her. I just want adults to act like adults for the benefit of everyone, including her.
Sh1t, I am naive. I know... I know...
Totally agree with Lady. But
Totally agree with Lady.
But if you believe us on nothing else, believe us on this: leave BM alone.
No more letters or coffee dates or pressed roses. Let your fiance handle her. At all times. Stay out of it. Do NOT triangulate.
He does say that. Everyone
He does say that. Everyone but his kids knows that. She knows that. That's why she is holding on to her last piece in play. He treats me like a queen in EVERY instance but this one.
He has such a messed up childhood of his own that he is finally dealing with through counseling. I have been asking for couples counseling and he is running the clock out on that. He's running the clock out on the three things I have asked him to do and its making me a total b1tch. There probably will not be a wedding because I can't get over this feeling of hurt for being kept as a separate piece of his life.
Then I think, its only every other Saturday. What's the big deal? Why do I need to be recognized by them? They are children...but I know she will make his life and my life hell until he gets the courts involved. Then I also know that once he does, it will be SO much easier. His stress and her hook go away with a judges decree.
I do not want to give up on him and our plans. I know I am not literally stuck. Even if we were married, I would not be, but I feel stuck. The situation sucks and he perpetuates it.
Let his ex have him! Why do
Let his ex have him! Why do women fight over these loser men?!
There are sooo many guys out there, why fight tooth and nail for one with so much baggage?
"But I LOOOOOVE him." Believe me, that will fade in a few months after reality sets in and the hormones wear off. What happens when the BM's decide to dump all the kids on you and new DH? It happens all the time!
This guy isn't acting like
This guy isn't acting like his kids come first. If he did he wouldn't be making major changes to their lives by marrying you without having helped them to process that so that it can be a smooth transition for them.
He might talk the talk but he is deluded all around. He outwardly claims that you are no where near his top most important people (you come behind his kids and his ex wife) yet he is about to declare publicly that he wants to be with you and only you. Plus he didn't have the "courage" to break up with his wife for a year properly and just maintained an open relationship rather than moving on. And now he can't even be bothered to think about how your marriage will affect his kids and try to make it smoother for them let alone help you and them to start to have a healthy relationship.
Don't buy his nonsense that he has to tiptoe around his ex, if he actually bothered to go to court and get a parenting plan in case and a custody agreement he could enforce his rights and not be constantly afraid to upset his ex.
Take a break from this. Step back. Tell him that you aren't comfortable forming a new family with him, when he clearly doesn't want to put any effort into trying to make it work and doesn't have a clear view of what his new family will look like as he is still hanging onto his old family.
I can't imagine the dilemma
I can't imagine the dilemma that you are going through right now with the prospect of calling off a wedding. But you know that it has to be done. There are just too many flags waving in your face right now for you to ignore them. You need someone on your side. Call your mom/best friend/dad/aunt/brother/uncle whoever you know will help you out right now and do what needs to be done without questioning your motivation. Tell them that you can't go through with the wedding right now and you need their help to sort out cancelling it. I loved some of the suggestions above for donating the party or re-purposing it for someone else. Arrange to have somewhere else to stay for a week or so if you need to get away from your fiance. Then talk to your fiance. Tell him that you are cancelling the wedding because you don't feel the time is right. Tell him that there are things that you feel that need to be in a better place before you two marry and that if you are able to get there you would be happy to marry him in the future. Let him know that plans are in place to cancel everything. Ask him to do any things you need him to do. Then let him know that you understand that it might be a shock and that he might need some space so you will be staying away for a while. Don't let him talk you into continuing with the wedding. Once you have made up your mind, stick with it.
http://www.steptalk.org/node/
http://www.steptalk.org/node/222538
Check out this post. It was very well written about getting married when its a blended family.
No way in the world would I get married in your position. Way too soon and dysfunctional.