Your biggest problem here hon is your husband. He you say, is allowing his ex to control things, he is afraid of her, and that I would imagine is causing tension in your home, it has to be. The child may be not be too sure what is wrong here, but you can bet your bottom dollar she is picking up on the tension and may actually be very anxious about things, both in your home and with BM. You really do need to work on your relationship and the marriage first, last and foremost. Your husband must stand up to his ex and he needs to make sure HE and HIS WIFE are the only people who control what is going on in your lives no one else. I think this little one is acting out big time and I don't think it is on purpose I think she has anxiety issues. Children need to feel safe and secure and parents are supposed to be the ones who make them feel that way, if dad doesn't feel safe and secure how can he make his child feel that way. I am sorry this is happening to you it must be very difficult, but I think you may be focusing on the wrong problem right now. Surely if his ex takes or threatens to take you two to court on frivoulous or unfounded accusations, then you have a right to seek all legal fees to be paid by HER. I am sure if your husband stood up to her and said, go ahead, take us to court, but be aware should you lose, not only will you have your legal costs to pay, but ours also, she would think long and hard before making any threats. Reading between the lines his ex is a bully and bullies need to be stood up to before they will stop. Good Luck. But as I said, this is all dependent on your husband, he needs to sort out his fear and his issues before he can sort out his child.

Ohh dear!!
Fear and anxiety really can mess with people. DH should just call her bluff, she's a terrorist and he's become a victim. Worse yet the BM could be doing some PAS here too so the child is terrified of losing what's most dear to her. Enter step mom...whole new set of anxieties for the child. It's been my experience that it's not really the kids I am mad at but DH because of the way he handled situations to justify his own fear and anxiety. I called BM's bluff a couple of times and nothing happened, DH recognized this and did likewise eventually. Yeah, the interim is pretty tense and it does affect the kids. I have a sharp wit at times and a sense of humor about a lot of situations and it worked to my advantage.

I know how you feel... we are dealing with the same thing with my sd.... she is now 12 and still doing it.