I love my stepson, but his mom..........
I have been with my husband for six years, my stepson was 9 when we met and we hit it off right away. My stepson and I have a GREAT relationship! I'm in no way the "evil stepmom" nor is he "not my kid" I could not love him move if I had given birth to him.
My husband and I gained joint custody about a year ago, after my stepson said he wanted to live with us full time. To make a very long story short, his mother did not support his choice. Which I can understand being a mother myself. So my stepson agreed to joint custody because he did not want to disappoint his mom.
His mother has a problem with me; I have no idea what it is. I have tried to sit down and talk with her twice but never has she said what it is that she has a problem with. I have tried everything I know to do to make this a blended family where everyone gets along. In fact I have even had her over for dinner, Christmas and birthday parties. I would love for us to share in the celebration of my stepson's life.
Well now here we are 7 years later where I am continually bad talked to my stepson by his mother, he had tried to talk to his mother about how it hurts him to hear her talk poorly about me, that he loves me and that I'm good to him. But yet it continues. He doesn't want his mother to feel betrayed so he tries not to discuss me with her.
She refuses to talk to me about him, not realizing that I am a BIG part of his life and that is what he wants.
My stepson and his mother recently had a blow up about me, again long story short he told her if she wanted to be a mom the to be a mom, just a short time after that he called her and told her he needed a haircut, she then calls him back yelling at him that he had been with his father for 5 days why didn't he get him a haircut, rather than calling his dad and asking him why a hair cut had not been had in the 5 days spent with him she again has put the child in the middle.
We NEVER talk through the child, parenting class 101 but she will do it continually putting him in a situation he should NEVER be in.
So here’s what I seek advice for:
* How do we get past this?
* How do we get to be one big happily blended family?
* What do we do to get the mom to work with all of us rather than against us?
* How do we get her to understand I DON'T want to be his mother?
* How do we get the mom to understand it's only a benefit to the stepson that we all get along dispite our personal feeling of each other?
* How do we get the mom to understand that the stepson is the MOST important thing in this equation?
~Greatly appreciate your advice
* How do we get past
* How do we get past this?
You have dear. but, the real question is...how is BM going to get past this? After 7 years she probably won't unless she decides to get over it. Could your DH talk to her? Are they on terms? If not, is there someone else you guys mutually know BM who could? She's just plain bitter. Probably feeling rejected by her son in some regards. She feels replaced. After 7 years of these feelings she needs to see a therapist but it can't be forced neither is it a guarantee therapy will work.
* How do we get to be one big happily blended family?
You are in what seems like a very happy blended family except for BM. You can't make her. Just like you can't make someone be your friend or love you.
* What do we do to get the mom to work with all of us rather than against us?
Try mediation. Try talking to her but again you can't force her.
* How do we get her to understand I DON'T want to be his mother?
Uh...you may not be trying but perceptions are that you are being mother-like to him. BM feels replaced. Not your fault but fact remains...
* How do we get the mom to understand it's only a benefit to the stepson that we all get along dispite our personal feeling of each other?
Mediation, parenting classes. You talking to her but same answer as previous.
* How do we get the mom to understand that the stepson is the MOST important thing in this equation?
Same answer.
You have been a wonderful stepmom and influence in your stepsons life. That is very commendable. Just keep doing what your doing. Maybe get SS into therapy to help him cope with a mother who's bitter. You guys can only keep encouraging BM. DH or you could stress to her this is hurting the boy and she will lose him forever if she doesn't control herself. Maybe that would sink in but no guarantees unfortunately you must accept that.
StepChicka, I totally
StepChicka, I totally appreciate your response. Trust me when I say I have tried to talk to her, I told her that SS’s well being is the most important thing to keep in mind and regardless of what we feel about each other it is important that the role models in his life maintain mutual respect for each other but, this apparently has fallen on deaf ears.
BM, SS & DH have all gone to counseling when the idea of SS living with us full time came into play. A therapist which BM works with therefore therapy was one sided.
DH says this is the reason he divorced her because she doesn't listen, that everything is about her. And there is no getting through to her.
I have resided myself to the fact that at this point it is what it is and all I can do is maintain the relationship I have with SS and continue to stress to him that communication with his BM is important. That he should tell her how he feels even if she doesn't agree just always treat her with respect.
If you've tried to talk to
If you've tried to talk to her and communicate that you're not trying to replace her but just be an additional loving, supportive adult in his life, then you've done all you can do.
I think you've done all you can do and SS is seeing through her. You have a great relationship with SS and right now all you can do is what you said above: focus on keeping your relationship with him great and keep communicating to him that he needs to treat BM with respect even when disagrees with her.
You're doing good
You're doing good paulie...really you ALL are. When BMs therapist is telling her to give custody to your DH then you can't get more blatant than that.
I know you're frustrated. I'm going through a similar thing except I'm the BM and the Stepmom doesnt want to get involved in anything. And we're on good terms, at least I thought we were, but I know I can't force her...neither can my XH. He's come to terms with accepting the situation or end the marriage if he wants a more involved stepmom. It simply won't happen with her. I can only express to him my concern the impact the situation is having on the kids nothing else. Even then I'm careful what I say. Its very easy to feel oppositional by anything the one says about other.
My SD's BM doesn't want anything to do with me. She's cordial but she'd prefer I don't exist. Its really tough for her to see another woman having anything to do with her daughter. I don't know if she'll ever get over that. I can only hope but in the mean time nothing is going to stop me from caring for SD and my kids.
Thanks for your support and
Thanks for your support and encouragement in this touchy situation.
My husband and I have had lengthy discussions about this situation and the conclusion we have come to is that she is jealous of the relationship I have with her son. And insecure about the relationship she has with him. I always try to find the glass half full, so forgive me for being negative with my next comment. But she has the choice to change, to be more involved with her child, to be more open to hear him and his needs, concern herself less with the things I do for him but concern herself with the things she should be doing. If she is jealous and insecure it's by her own hand.
My largest concerns with all of this:
* She continues to talk through the child.
* She refused to acknowledge my existence.
* She doesn't seem to but her own child’s needs before her own selfishness
* Communication with her is not an option because she refuses to act like an adult.
Recently she has said that I should have nothing to say about his education nor should I ever be involved in the discussions. Totally ok with this if she wasn’t a teacher and her son struggling in some of his classes, I seemed to have been the one to help him with most with his school work and extracurricular activities. She is so ok with me in his life when it benefits her.