I got my first "I don't like you".
I've been in SS3's life since he was 6 months old. BM has primary custody, we have him every other weekend. SS was living with DF's parents for about 10 months last year - BM "couldn't have kids" at the apartment she was living at, and our financial situation wouldn't allow for us to keep him full time without state aid (which we could not get since she already had him enrolled for herself). During these ten months we kept him 4-6 days a week, as much as our work schedules would allow. He had a very structured routine between his grandparents' and our house, since we communicated constantly.
Then a couple of months ago BM moved and took SS to live with her again. He now goes to bed and wakes up different times each day (I'm talking hours of difference here from one day to the next), rarely gets a nap unless it's in the car, and rarely spends a day actually at his "home". Every drop off/pick up we have done has been either at BM's friend's home or at her aunt's home. BM is far too open about her inconsistencies with SS, which is how I know about the sleep issues. Also he completely backtracked on potty training - he was almost ready for pull ups until the move, now he MIGHT use the toilet once a day, if we push him constantly.
On top of this, there are the changes he has started to display ever since the week she moved him in with her (also the week she announced to us and SS that she is having another baby). Suddenly he's throwing fits constantly, misbehaving purposely, testing me every way possible, and refusing to listen to me. Of course this only happens when DF is not home. The second he walks in the door, SS goes back to behaving again.
Today started out with SS throwing fits at both DF and I because we wouldn't take him to Chucky Cheese (BM promised to take him this weekend before she remembered it was our weekend, then told SS to "ask daddy" if he could go. SS was not happy when we told him no.) Once SS calmed down (3 hours later) the day was relatively easy. We played, colored, ate dinner as a family. I read him a bedtime story which was followed by him starting to cry, saying that he wants to go to mommy's. I told him I was sorry but some days he has to be with mommy, and some days he has to be with daddy. He responded that mommy takes him places where people like him. I told him daddy and me like him a lot, don't you like us? He said "I like daddy, I don't like you. I wanna go to mommy's."
OUCH.
I'm aware he is 3, he doesn't understand fully what he was saying. He doesn't understand how much he hurt me. I can't hold it against him and I need to just keep loving him and wait out this whole phase.
But I just needed to vent. DF and I are getting married in a few months and I'm so worried I'm going to have a SS that hates me for who knows what reasons. UGH!!!!!! I need to scream so badly but that would probably wake the sleeping child in the next room....
"I'm aware he is 3, he
"I'm aware he is 3, he doesn't understand fully what he was saying. "
I disagree at 3 he knows it's hurtful. Now is the time to stop this crap before he is older and really spews venom.
He knows it's hurtful. That
He knows it's hurtful. That said, I think most younger skids try and pull that crap. When my SD4 says it it's usually when she's getting punished. She doesn't get punished and doesn't have much structure at BMs house. I just say "That's a shame because I love you." and turn my back on her with a smile, go on about my day. When she doesn't get the desired response, she changes her tune.
Well, I will be slammed here.
Well, I will be slammed here. But I disagree that he knows how hurtful this is.
I think he has feelings he can't communicate and doesn't know how to, and the best he can say is he doesn't like you.
ODD was about 2ish when my EXh moved on, she liked the new GF, but when she came home and looked at me she would break down in tears and wouldn't even look at exh, wouldn't say goodbye. He would leave with tears in his eyes, after 6 weeks and a screaming match in my front yard asking him what was going on at his house that would make MY daughter act this way and what was HIS GF doing to my child? I started doing some digging, and casually one night brought up loving me, loving daddy, loving GPA, and Gma, and then GF. It didn't matter if I said love or like, she wouldn't say anything and wouldn't look at me when GF name was mentioned. I finally told her it was ok, that if GF was nice to daddy and daddy loved her and GF was nice to her, and ODD wanted to like her and love her then it was ok with me. I wouldn't be hurt by this-
You BM will probably not do that, but DH should be able to have the same type of conversation.... he needs permission to like/love you and that by doing so he isn't wronging his mom.
And by the way my SS and I
And by the way my SS and I were huge buddies at that age because BM wasn't in his life. She dropped him off a daycare and did her thing with SD. So I took him everywhere with me. When BM came into his life again (doing things with him and spending more time with him) SS couldn't even look at me in the presence of his mom and wouldn't hug me, or talk to me. I started disengaging and making sure I didn't put my skids in a situation where they felt pulled.
Thank you, I honestly don't
Thank you, I honestly don't think that he understands what he's saying. I really hope he doesn't. From your experiences I think you may be right about the permission thing. Before he moved back in with BM he was always so easy with me. He behaved most of the time and listened when I did have to correct him. Now it's a constant battle. At first I thought maybe it was the whole "terrific 3's" thing since he was never difficult when he was two, but then I quickly realized that he only pulls this stuff when I'm the one correcting him. He listens to DF and grandparents with next to no fussing. It's definitely something directly about me. And come to think of it, he never wants to give me a hug when we are switching off between us and BM and she is standing there.... I guess I wanted to believe he was just excited to go back with his mom.
I'll talk with DF and see if he will talk with SS. You're right, BM probably will not do the same. Hopefully we can get through to him without her, it may take some time I'm guessing.
Yes and your might do your
Yes and your might do your hugging before you leave the house- that way he isn't feeling uncomfortable with either a) talking to you around bm or b) showing emotions to you.
Sounds like it is a struggle of loyalty and the quicker you can help him deal with that the better he will be. You can also show that you are supportive of him and his mom and how lucky he is that his mom is so special to him. Then DH can work on how lucky he is to have you in his life and his mom and two women who love him very much.
It will probably take a longer time if BM wouldn't do it. Or if she is part of the problem by talking bad about you in front of him.