I apparently can do nothing right when it comes to my children...
I am getting so frustrated, every decision I make or anything I do for my children is wrong in my husband's eyes. I'm at my wits end here. We've been married 2.5 years with 2 children each and from day one he openly criticized every move I made with my children. Of course he'll deny that.
Tonite (Halloween) I made the horrible parental error of letting one of my daughter's friends (they are both 13) spend the night at our house. She hasn't had a friend over in several months. He usually gives me grief so I usually tell her no. He had told me long ago that we both had to "agree" when one of our children's friends sleep over. I can live with that, except for some reason he has very rarely asked me before one of his girl's friends spends the night, and honestly I don't have a problem with them spending the night, but it his double standards bug me to no end. Well tonite he was out with friends so not around to "ask" so when he gets home I get this lecture about how I can NEVER say no to my daughter and that I just want to be her friend and not a parent. WTF? I tell her no all the time--practically every day for something. And I sit there and watch him with his kids and he's afraid to even tell them to do chores...he asks me to do it.
He even gave me and my daughter grief a couple weeks ago because I let her check her Facebook on MY phone (she had it for about 5 minutes). I didn't marry him so I could have someone tell me every thing I do for my children is wrong. Don't even get me started with him and my son (who is now almost 21 and moved out a year go) he had it even worse. That kid could do nothing right and of course is was all my fault.
I personally think my husband is dealing with huge guilt issues (he left his ex and now only has his girls 30% of the time), he's afraid to upset them (they have him wrapped around his little finger)for fear they won't want to be with him, and his stepfather when he grew up was very hard on him and always had to be right. It's Ok to have this issues, I understand, by why does he have to put them all on me? It's almost as if he needs to focus on me and my faults so he doesn't have to face his own.
I just don't know what to do. Anyone else dealing with this?
Dear No Drama, Have you said
Dear No Drama, Have you said all these things to DH, and if so, what does he say? Especially the guilt for leaving and his own stepdad.
It is hard for me to accept sometimes, that men seem to be a lot simpler than we are. For example, a man who did not have a good fatherly role model may seriously NOT KNOW how to be a better, stronger dad, so he will continue what he believes a 'man' should do, you know? (I had an old boyfriend tell me this, and I thought it was BS, but maybe it does explain something).
I think ideally he should talk to a counselor, but if he won't or doesn't see a problem, maybe you can keep bringing your ideas up, for the 10,000 years it will take for him to see it LOL. I would definitely say, the double standards are OVER-! and you need to take a look at your own parenting, before you say anything about mine.-! Model your own strong parenting behavior and let him see you saying No to your own daughter, to see, it can be done! Stay strong and hugs
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)I have absolutely said these
I have absolutely said these things to DH, time and time again. And he will have nothing to do with it. He instead accuses me of trying to not take responsbility for my "problems". That's part of my frustration, he can be an understanding person except for when it comes to me and my children. He does not parent his children the same way he does mine. His daughters are basically good kids, well behaved and they get good grades. Due to this he seems to think he's a parenting expert and if I don't parent the way he does, it's wrong and I get a lecture. If my children don't act the way his children does, it's wrong and he comes down on them and me hard -- nevermind that they are totally different than his children with totally different issues. He has never had a son yet constantly criticized me on how I raised mine (before he moved out a year ago). If I mention something about one of my children he starts telling me what I should or should not do whether I ask for advice or not. I used to talk about my children more with him, little things about what one said or was doing, just as any parent would, but I've pretty much stopped because so often I end up getting lectured. Any favor or "motherly" thing I do for my children I get criticized for (like when I took my 19 year old son to get a flu shot last year).
But with his girls, he will give them the world and it's OK. I guess he feels they "deserve" it more than mine huh?. He will overlook things his girls do and rage at my DD for doing the same. I have pleaded with him to please at least NOT treat my children in a way he would never treat his own, but do no avail.
We have talked about counseling. He actually has suggested it a few times himself. He did say, however that "If we do, and they tell you you are doing something wrong, you'll believe me then right?" So what does that tell you? He wants to go so he can see someone else tell me I'm "wrong."
Oh Boy did we ever go
Oh Boy did we ever go through this.
It's much better now, though. I think the problem stemmed from FH's feeling of powerlessness where my daughter was concerned. I didn't allow him to parent her and he didn't agree with how I was doing it. He was also feeling guilty about having a relationship with her when he couldn't see his own children as much as he wanted to. My disengagement from his children didn't help matters.
What saved us was my change in attitude, plus a few parenting classes. When my daughter went through a traumatic experience involving a razor and the mental health unit, I realized she needed two parents - not a mother and a guy who lives with her. So I relinquished some control and made it clear to the kid that I was giving him the authority to discipline her. FH had more power in our home and he began to trust me to stick to the house rules we decided on together.
Now it's as if something has shifted in our home. We feel like a family with two parents who have equal say. He can now allow himself to appreciate the kid instead of resenting her. He's taking an active role in her life because he recognizes how badly she needs it.
Sometimes it takes a crisis to show us just what we need to do.
I'm not suggesting you need trauma, but I can tell you that it is possible for things to improve. It took us five years but the wait was well worth the outcome.
Selkie that's very
Selkie that's very interesting. I've never heard from someone who successfully integrated a step-parent into a family unit when initially there were problems of that nature. Obviously you're willingness to go half way was a huge factor in your success.
Normally I'll tell a step-parent to back off when obviously s/he's being ineffective and frustrated and that advise still stands.
As for this lady my advise would be to place him on notice that she is the parent and will make the decisions and his complaints will be listened to one (if made in private) and taken into consideration. No guarantees.
Then I would have him read this:
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
They could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be pleased at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. I took my spouse and SKs camping on occasion when my kids weren't around. I offered the s-kids advise on living in our world and made the obvious comments when it came to safety and such. But I never made it a judgement. May favorite comment was "Do what you think is in your best interest". It sums it all up. What you sow is what you reap.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother came to realize that I wasn't over-reacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.
Selkie I'm glad to hear you
Selkie I'm glad to hear you guys are doing well. I hope we can get to that point.
When we first moved in together we discussed how we would parent our own children and not discipline the other's children right off without discussing, etc. You know all the step family stuff. And he was the one who initiated these "rules." But somehow very quickly all that went right out the window. He was very protective of his girls...almost as if he had to prove to them that he still loved them. He was constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure everything was "equal" and every time the girls (mine and his) would bicker (as new step siblings will) he would rage at my DH. Any time I would point out an issue that was created by one of his own girls he would have an excuse or deny it saying my DH was "sneaky" and she set it up to look that way... he had me in tears many times with accusations of "unfairness" (I handed my daugter the dinner plate first, or I let her choose the brand of toothpaste because she was with me when I was shopping---crazy stuff) when I had been trying so hard to treat everyone the same and make a point to put his girls before my children is so many ways. It's like "hello" can you not see how hard I am trying and the effort I am making?
So for me it's not an issue of me relinguishing control to him...he took it over right from the beginning. Unfortunely it has hurt his relationship with my children. With my son I don't think he can ever get it back. My DD is pretty forgiving and gives him a lot of chances but eventually I think it's going to wear on her too (and me) if things don't change.
I do think he is having a hard time of not being "the man of the house" if you know what I mean. Step families are just an entirely different dynamic from a nuclear family and he has had a hard time adjusting to that. He did admit early on that he had expectations of things being "perfect" right off, regardless off all the info he's read about it taking 5-7 years. I suspect that the easiest targets for him to be that "man of the house" are my children and me. He cannot put this emotion towards his own daughters because of the guilt.
Orange Co. CA - I live your
Orange Co. CA -
I live your advice with his children actually and I do wish he would do the same. It's the only thing that gets me by--to disengage. I started once to ask that he do the same to mine, but I felt it would cause more problems. Knowing him, he in turn would be upset at me for being disengaged from his girls. I truely could not care less how they turn out, he can raise them as he sees fit and let them grow up to be entitled slobs for all I care. I just want him to stop treating my children in ways he would not treat his own. And the sad thing is that I like his girls, but because he seems to be in competition (his kids are better/more important than mine and constantly looking for ways to prove it) it's hard to want the best for them.
The only time I do bring things up is with the double standard. When I point out something he's upset about with me or my DD that he or his daughter's have done themselves. I always get a quick excuse...usually putting the blame on me.
He holds the mirror away from him and shines it on everyone else to avoid his own reflection.