how to deal with x who uses child..no boundaries set up
I'm revently engaged to a wonderful man and father. We really do have a "fairytale" life except for his youngest son's mom. My fiance has custody of one son who is 5 and who I plan to adopt in the near future (his mother is nowhere to be found). Than he has a 2 yr old with a young girl (in her early 20's). The problem comes from the fact that she uses the 2 yr old to call him whenever she feels like it and even goes into his job to visit saying that the baby wanted to see him. We live about a block away from each other and he works about two blocks away. He sees the baby one day a week on his day off and on Sundays. When we have the baby on Sundays she calls and texts wanting to talk to him. He stops by her house sometimes on his lunch break during the day to see the baby. He is a wonderful father and continues to tell me he has nothing to do with her except for their son..
But she uses every excuse she can and tries to set him up all the time. One day she went to visit him at his job and invited him out to a bar and than she told me later that night that they were making plans to meet up behind my back. He admitted that she came into his job and asked him but that he told her no..problem is he never told me, he admitted it AFTER she called me and I confronted him...he denies speaking to her about it all after he said no even though she said they made plans. The fact that he never told me she came into store makes me wonder if he DID make plans to meet up with her.
Most of the time that she calls he doesn't even answer. I told him this bothered me too so he started answering her calls..but now she only calls and texts during day when she knows he is at work. We are fighting everyday about this. One day he went to drop off the baby at her house and he told her that I was jealous and mad which just infuriated me even more. Our business is NOT her business.
I just don't know how to handle this. I really do beleive he loves me..and alot of this stems from the fact that my X cheated on me with his baby's mom. I've shared this with my fiance and he just says "I'm not him" I don't know what to do..this is hurting me so bad inside and it's tearing us apart. I don't want to keep my fiance from the baby..but I dont' know what boundaries to set. Is it wrong I don't him going there on his lunch? She will take any chance she can to set him up and break us up.
No you are not wrong
His ex has no business stopping by his work with the baby acting like they are one big happy family. She is doing it because there are no boundaries set up. You are not jealous and you are not wrong - there is no room in your relationship for a 3rd person. It sounds like he really adores his son and he should just stick to the schedule of one day a week and sundays. They should only talk if the baby gets sick, drop off or pick-ups and that's it. When the child gets a little older then they will probably have to talk a little more (hopefully you can get him to use email with her because calling will drive you crazy). He needs to treat this like a business deal. The BM is trying to control him and she is playing games with you and trying to make trouble. The bigger problem here is your FH trying to turn the blame on you. He should have been absolutely furious that she tried to set him up like that and call you. Good luck hon.
You need boundries...
Believe me....you HAVE to have boundries! I would suggest that your FH get a cell phone and give her that number. That way you can turn it off and put in a drawer someplace and she can call/text all she wants! The only reason that he is blaming you is guilt...he knows that he is in the wrong. The only person he needs to worry about sticking up for and/or making happy is YOU. If he can't see that then he needs to G-O! I have been dealing with the EX crap for 3 years, it will only get worse. You have to have thick skin and realize that she is an EX for a reason.
Good Luck!
Unappreciated chauffer, chef, laundry lady, and event planner!
Thank you I feel a little
Thank you I feel a little bit better and stronger to stand my ground. He does have a cel phone and has to have it on basically all the time due to his position at his employment. I'm torn because he says he is seeing his son and that she is bringing his son to see him..that he's not seeing her,etc and that he won't refuse to see his son..he constantly tells me that no matter what she won't break us up..but after that incident with the "going out" that he never told me about..it just made me very mistrustful now. It only takes a moment to break down trust.
I totally forgot to add to
I totally forgot to add to my first post too that now she tries to use my SS too. She was with my FH when SS was 2 to about 4. After they broke up she babysat him after school (made my FH pay her) and than when she found out about me told him she couldn't watch him anymore..she must've thought he'd beg her since he wasn't paying that much ( but how can you charge to watch a child that at one time you called your own)..but he found another sitter. So now she constantly ask what SS is doing too! And even told FH that she bought a new bedroom set for their son and SS.! I was furious. She calls me on weekends sometimes wanting to take SS or asks my FH to take him. I told FH absolutely not! She gave up any rights to him..and it broke his heart when she told him "I'm not babysitting you anymore". I do ask him though as a mature individual if he wants to go over there and he says no.
he needs
to have a set schedule i understand he wants to see his son and all but come on is it really necessary to take him for visits at work? thats crazy!!!!So did she always do this or did she just start taking him for lunch visits and what is he doing going to see his baby at her house on lunch you are very strong let me tell you I would have completley flipped my lid!There is no need for all that he is not gonna die if he doesnt see his son every second
it was worse before I came along
She would show up at his house sometimes when he would have his son to see how he was doing or she would stop by his house because the "Baby" wanted to see him. Now she keeps it to his job.
thats ridiculous
come on how old is this kid? BM would pull the same shit on my H he didnt go for it just a way for her to try to piss me off there is no need for it if he is going to see his kid on a set day he doesnt need all these pop up visitations at work!
Umm... that's not normal
How many other men, divorced or married, have someone bring their child to work on any kind of frequent basis? I don't know a single one. Not one. That has to stop, if for no other reason, they are spoiling the child and not giving him the tools he NEEDS as a two year old to learn to separate from caregivers appropriately and become more independent. What happens when he's in middle school and misses dada? Is BM going to go pull him out of school and take him to dad's work?