So I thought everything was going great (as good as it can be having a blended family) between me, my SS and DH until BM calls to tell us that she thinks 11yr old SS is having difficulties adjusting between households. She always pulls this before we have him for a holiday or some long period of time. He is either sick, having some phantom sickness or she tries to plan out our agenda with SS. (The DH and BM have been divorced for 7 years now and DH and I have been married for just as long) So we ask SS what is bothering him and he says at our house he has too many chores, is bored and doesn't have his "privacy" like at his mother's house. (insert tears) But SS says he likes that at our house we have family time where he does not get that at his BM house. SS said that at his mom's he gets his privacy. (This child thinks privacy is just the parents and him, no cousins around, no brother, no friends, just him left alone to play his PS3 games.)

BM has recently remarried (Sept. 2011) and I just had a child (Feb. 2011) so we initially thought that these are some of the issues along with years of parental alienation and brainwashing on his BM side. Normal stuff, right? lol Well, we have started seeing a psychologist this past week and upon talking to her at the initial consultation together (yes all in the same room) with the BM, DH and I(BM's new hubby is MIA as always) me and my DH's conclusion is that the SS is spoiled and manipulating both parents. His BM and her family spoil SS rotten and at our house we have rules and consequences. SS is extremely self-centered and when he does not like what we make him do he will secretly text his mom telling on us. And to top it off the BM feeds into this.

But we do realize that any 11yr old will complain about chores and having to share the attention with a new sibling. BUT what makes me sick to my stomach is the passive aggressive way he goes about it. How does an 11yr know how to do this?? If you were to meet this child you would think he is a gift from heaven for any step-parent as he shy on the outside, and does what he is told. Confusing, right? He will do his chores and go on family outings with us. If he does not like what we are doing or if he is not getting his way he will not say a word. Just silence. But if he gets his way he is over the top sweet and bubbly. But when he does not get his way he tells his mom and then his mom comes to us and yells at us. He reports everything, good and bad to his mom. My guess is he exaggarates and lies some. He also tattles on his grandma (my mother in law) to my DH and I. For instance he has seen my MIL feed our dogs’ human food and runs to tell me, knowing this will tick me off, then sits back and watches while I confronted her about it!) He has lied and says his cousin pushed him to the ground when that never ever happened!!!

This kid is spoiled to the core and his dad and I have played a small part in that-him out of guilt for not being around and me out of wanting to be accepted by SS. Well this has changed up until a year and a half ago because we started making him take responsibility and pitch in. As he gets older we make him do more around the house. Mainly dishes, his laundry and walk the dogs. He has a maid clean his own room and his own bathroom. At his BM house he has absolutely no rules, responsibly, and structure. He gets whatever he wants. He needed $120 once for a game so his mom let him wash her car for the money to buy this game. He is 11yr old and has no manners, cannot cook a thing for himself and cannot do anything without being told what to do-needs constant direction. He is not self-sufficient at all. We think he needs to be in a sport or an outside activity but we cannot get BM to comply. She is so jealous of our new family she cannot handle to see us together so avoids all contact. So basically SS's social skills are non existant. He thinks the world revolves around him and does not know how to be a team player. Not by us but what 11yr old has $400 contacts, a TV in his room, his own computer, cell phone, PS3, Xbox, IPod, NUK, enough toys to put Toysrus out of business, you name it!!??

I am so blindsided with this issue as DH and I have treated SS so well and have fought for him and the visitation schedule we have and went out of our way to make sure he gets equal amounts of attention with the new brother and this is what we get! We don't spank or yell at him. My feelings are so hurt. If you see my and SS out you would think he is my son because we had such a good relationship. SS has told us he wants to spend more time with us but is afraid to press the issue with his mom because she will take away his playstation3 and Ipod time. (which is her punishment for him)

The psychologist at the first meeting told us that she can tell he is afraid of his dad. Well, he had his BM hanging on him the entire time. My guess is he is afraid to show emotion towards DH because of his mom's reaction. BM controls him by emotion....guilt, sadness etc. I know this is an erratic post and there are so many more things that come into play here but has anyone dealt with a similar issue? The mother sees no wrong in what she does and how she raises SS but it is putting a wrench into me and DH household. We plan to have more children too so I am nervous about it now. BUT this kid is controlling everyone around him and I’m not sure if he knows how serious this can be. I need advice to keep me two steps ahead of SS and his coddling mother. My DH is on my side and we are sticking to our rules.

Oh and by the way, at the meeting with the psychologist my SS cried the entire time because we "make him do chores and there are lots of dishes." Keep in mind there are three of us and we have a dishwashing machine! My SS sat across from me and kept giving me this pissed off look then at his parents he would give them the sad face. I am to the point I don't want him around anymore but in reality I know that is not right. What to do?